Bereavement and Loss: How to Deal with a Sudden or Accidental Death

Sample E-mail Answer by Marilyn Pat Bogash, LPC

Grief is probably one of the most painful experiences we have to deal with. Throughout our lives we work through many small losses that can pave the way for the losses that are most significant to us. When someone we hold dear who has been ill for a lengthy time dies, we feel tremendous sorrow. When there has not been a period of anticipation and the death is sudden, our world feels topsy-turvy. We may feel confused and deny the death until their passing can no longer be denied. This is what we call a complicated grief reaction because there was no time to emotionally prepare ourselves for the death.

You and your husband were married for a long time. When the car accident occurred six months ago, you were certainly stunned and grief stricken with the initial shock. What seems to have happened is that you had a lot of support from your family and friends for the first couple months, but now that has decreased as they seem to be going on with their lives. You said you were confused as to why you cannot do the same.

There are several answers to your question. First of all I want to reassure you that your reactions are normal considering the trauma you have been dealing with. People grieve as long as they need to grieve, there is no time table. Sometimes others seem impatient with their loved one's sadness because it reminds them of their own pain.

You and your husband were together for a long time and loved each other deeply. That alone would cause all your sadness up to this point. That was the initial loss; but that loss causes so many other losses that we call secondary losses. You have to adjust to a world without your husband, morning, noon and evening. Think about how you connected with him in a thousand different ways during one day, and then you will begin to understand how you have to learn in a thousand other ways how to live each day without him. This takes a very long time. A grief reaction like yours can take up to five years to completely heal.

It is important to remember that your husband will always be a part of you but in a different way. There is no closure, like some believe, because that speaks of not being connected to the deceased. The healing comes when you can remember your husband with smiles and maybe a few tears, but you can go on with your life without him being beside you anymore. This is the process that takes awhile, so be patient with yourself. I would also suggest that you try a bereavement group that is close by. Finding them is not difficult. Hospice, hospitals, funeral homes, churches, mental health sites usually have referral lists for these groups. A support group can be helpful at this time and will enable you to see that you are normal in your responses to your husband's death.

Marilyn Pat Bogash, LPC