My Boyfriend Wants to Rape Me. What Should I Do?

Sample E-mail Answer by Ugochukwu Uche MS., LPC

My Boyfriend Wants to Rape Me.  What can I do about it?Dear Ugo,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years now. He has always been a little dominant in the bedroom, but now I think he might have crossed the line. He wants to rape me, but I’m not so sure I am comfortable with this. What does that mean? What should I say to him?

Thank you,
- Scared in Sacramento

Ugo explains how to deal with an abusive relationship with a boyfriendDear Scared in Sacramento,

In this situation, your boyfriend's arousal from rough sex and "stimulated rape" is called a paraphilia. Paraphilia can be described as a powerful and persistent sexual interest, from which arousal is derived through unconventional measures.

It sounds like your boyfriend might have unresolved sexual issues. The problem with some people who have paraphilias is that their paraphilia is an extension of a sex addiction. (Please note: I don't know who your boyfriend is, nor am I certain he is a sex addict). Sex addiction like other addictions can be characterized as a never ending cycle of pleasure seeking behavior that people can't seem to fulfill. Most addictions typically start with an interest and behavior of something seemingly trivial and evolve into other time consuming and sometimes dangerous interests. A good example (outside sex) would be someone who starts out smoking marijuana, and later becomes heavily addicted to heroin.

From my professional experience I have found that most sex addicts, particularly those with a pension for rough sex, have endured some moderate to severe degree of sexual trauma during their early life experiences. While there are survivors of sexual trauma who go on to live healthy lives, there are those (due to the unhealthy meanings they attach to their trauma), who act out on others, in an attempt to regain some type of control of what they feel they lost.

At this point, I will turn the focus to you. You mention that he has always been dominant in the bedroom, and now you think he might have crossed the line with his request? The question you should be asking is if you realistically believe there is a "line" your boyfriend should never cross.

This is a situation where you should honor your personal comforts and share with your boyfriend your true feelings on the issue. This is also an opportunity for you to address your personal issues and how they influence your relationship with others. I get the feeling that you feel uncomfortable saying no to your boyfriend? If this is true, I wonder if your discomfort in addressing this issue with your boyfriend is due to a fear you may have of him, or how you routinely behave in regards to getting your needs met in personal relationships and your ability to set healthy boundaries with others. If any of this applies to areas you might need help in, this will be a good opportunity for you to practice healthier emotional self care, and setting firm and healthy boundaries with others.

If you are interested, I can teach you how to address this sensitive issue with your boyfriend. However, if your discomfort has to do with a curiosity and interest you have developed to the idea of being "raped", then we can further process what about this fetish you are curious about and help you truly understand what needs you seek to meet in a sexual relationship.

Take care,

Ugochukwu Uche MS, LPC


Ugo is a psychotherapist and professional life coach.