Divorce or Not: When to Quit a Marriage

Sample E-mail Question and Answer by Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Question:
Dear Carol,

After 8 years of marriage, I just found out my husband has been cheating on me for the last year with a woman he works with. We have 3 kids, 6, 4, and 2. I had my suspicions, but always doubted myself. I found out when the other woman announced it in a public restaurant, where we were all out for dinner! I was mortified.

Now my husband claims he wants to work things out. He has done some sweet things to try and make up for his betrayal, but he continues to work with this woman and I am just so angry. When do I know that it is time to just give up and file for divorce?

Angry and Hurt

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Answer:
Dear Angry and Hurt,

Wow, how awful for you to have your husband hurt you so deeply and to have found out so publicly! I can only imagine the enormous amount of pain you are in.

I know that it seems like divorce is the obvious answer, but with 3 young children to think about, I encourage you to try and do some work first. When those children ask you down the road why you didn’t stay together, you will want to be able to say that you tried everything possible and gave it all of your effort. Divorce has such damaging effects on children that you should really try to avoid it if at all possible. The exception to that is if your partner is abusive. In those cases, it is better for both you and the children to not live with an abusive person.

Obviously, there are some deeper issues in your relationship that could use some serious couples counseling. You also need to assess his willingness to re-commit to the relationship. Is he willing to do what he needs to do to help rebuild your trust in him? For example, getting another job so that he doesn’t have to be around the other woman every day. Committing to not seeing or being with her ever again.

I would suggest sitting down (after you have yourself another good cry) and making a list of things that you need from him in order to stay in the relationship. Specific things that will show you he is committed to changing his behavior and working to make things better between you. Then I would share this list with him and set a time frame for him to start making these changes by.

When you think you are at wits end and divorce is the only answer, try giving it another year. Yes, another year. A year of really working on the relationship and working on your self. Worse case scenario, if you do end up divorcing, you will have worked out some of your issues so that you won’t repeat them with the next guy. Many, many people go on to remarry the same type of person and have the same type of problems all over again.

Also remember, that many people have to hit bottom before they can make the changes they need to make, so if it feels horrific, you are in a great position for change to happen.

I am available for couples counseling online through the chat room or on the phone at www.asktheinternettherapist.com.

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT