Help with Mid-life Crisis: Will This Phase Last?

Sample E-mail Answer by Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

Dear M,

I can certainly understand your concern. It sounds as if your boyfriend has made some dramatic and radical changes in his life. Whenever you're in a relationship and your partner is making these kinds of transitions and changes you are also forced into a tremendous period of change. What makes this so difficult is that the changes were not of your initiation or desire. One of the things that make relationships so difficult is that people change and grow in different ways and this puts stress on the other partner. The hope of course is that in general both partners will change and grow in complementary ways and continue to have the same goals, interests, and desires.

In anyone's life there are several periods of transition where change and stress are greater than others. Some of these are when people get married, when they become parents, or when they retire. These times are always difficult and add stress, but they can also be very productive periods where reevaluation and growth can increase. The so called mid-life crisis is one of these.

During the time when a person enters their middle years they begin to realize that they will eventually get old and mortality becomes a reality. They begin to look back on their goals of youth and ascertain how much they have accomplished or not accomplished. Even if they have been very successful in traditional ways it could well feel quite hollow now. This often leads to a total revaluation of their life.

The mid-life crisis has a horrible reputation, but it doesn't have to be. If someone overreacts they can often run amok and attempt to relive their youth. The stereotype of middle aged men buying a sports car, changing the way they dress, and having an affair with a woman half their age certainly can and does happen. However, that certainly doesn't have to happen. It is just as likely that the person soberly reevaluates their life, makes certain life enhancing changes and rediscovers what is really important to them. If they really talk with their partner and reach an understanding of what they are going through, their present relationship can become much deeper and mature.

The popular notion is that these things only occur with men. The truth is that both sexes go through a mid-life crisis. Men certainly do seem to have more difficulty with it,, however. Part of this may have to do with how hard it is for most men to talk. They often try to go through it all on their own and therefore don't really get the help they need. It is very important to talk about what is happening so the relationship can develop even more.

Your boyfriend is certainly going through a lot of changes and if he is irritable and depressed then it sounds as if he isn't doing well with it. Try and discuss it with him and you might also suggest he get some professional help. Often people make the necessary changes and continue to mature on their own, but it would certainly be an easier transition with assistance.

Good luck.

Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC