Overcoming Perfectionism: How Do We Accept our Imperfections?

by Margaret "Gigi" Roe, LPC

How do we accept our imperfections or "imperfectness," which is actually our humanness? As I pondered this question on a long car ride, I turned to my sports-loving husband and asked, "Who's your favorite athlete to watch, that's perfect?"

"That's easy, Tiger Woods, he's as perfect as it gets," he replied. "If he's perfect, how come he doesn't always win?" I asked. He paused for a moment and said, "That's impossible. it's impossible to be perfect in golf, there's too many variables." Now we're getting somewhere! Let's establish the fact that no one can be perfect in any sort of way.

On the topic of perfectionism, most therapy guides suggest a technique called "paradoxical intention." It is the idea that because some are so fixated on not making a mistake, they should purposely make them, thus freeing themselves from it's grip. So it suggests to make a mistake on a project, perhaps an obvious one and a not so obvious one, or one that is only known to it's author. Seems like a simple answer to such a complex issue. A solution worth trying maybe, but let's explore a little deeper.

This illustration may ring a bell with some of you. Picture that you are sitting on one end of a see-saw. You are down and feel lousy about yourself. You feel like a failure, filled with self-doubt, worthlessness, and defeated. You look up and see that empty seat up in the air, shining in the sun. You can picture yourself there, successful, happy, without flaws: perfect. You manage to balance yourself precariously up on the see-saw and are determined to make it up to the top, this time. You make it over to the other side but again at some point it flops down and you're at the bottom all over again. I propose that you crawl to the middle and stay awhile; accepting for a moment or two who you are right now.

At what point do we allow ourselves to just be ourselves? Not what other's expectations are of us: parents, teachers, spouses, kids, even what our "ideal self" expects. The real self. The one we are at this exact moment; tattered and torn, brilliant and beautiful all at once. Who grants us that permission? (Asked the author with the loaded question).

Some of our flaws make us who we are, they set us apart and make us unique from others. About ten years ago or so I had a new supervisor come to me and say, "I hear from the director that the criticism of you is that you wear your heart out on your sleeve." Initially I viewed this as something I should try to change, try to become more hidden, less obvious.

What a mistake that would have been. I have always been sensitive and in touch with my feelings, pretty genuine and honest, almost to a fault if there is such a thing. I was and am passionate about my work, in helping people, trying my best to do a good job. Sometimes that went against the agency I worked for as I held client concerns higher than organizational ones.

Fritz Perls explained in his "onion" analogy that people need to shed their outer layers or "neurotic tendencies" in order to become a more authentic person. In working with a counselor using "Gestalt" techniques you work deeper and deeper into these layers until you get to the authentic self. The outer most layer is the "phony layer" in which people act under pretenses and game playing. I never quite understood or played the office politics game and would not fare well in the business world in general. My skills and personality are best suited to work helping people.

I picture myself doing well on Survivor. I'm generally a likable character, know a lot about group dynamics, and am a good swimmer. On the Apprentice however, Donald Trump would probably have me in the fetal-position in the corner of the board room. My point is to evaluate what your strengths and weaknesses are, what can be changed and what cannot.

Maybe more importantly, figure out what aspects are really a detriment or an asset. Who determines that?

Another way to deal with our imperfections is to face up to them. Accept them as part of the whole you and try to improve upon them. As humans we are far from "always" or "never" __________(fill in the blank). I would like to believe that I am always nice but that would be my ideal, perfectionist part of me talking. Let me share a little story.

Some months back my husband was recovering from minor stomach surgery. The first solid meal he wanted in days were hamburgers. I went to the local supermarket, purchased ground beef and grilled away. He was not recovering as planned, was sick, in pain, etc. The doctor didn't know what was wrong, but eventually he was alright. The supermarket tracked me down from my frequent buyer card and I received a recorded call that the meat I purchased that day was involved in a recall because it was tainted with e-coli. Mystery solved.

At the supermarket, the manager wasn't going to give me my five dollars back because I didn't have the meat to return. I explained the situation and he was unapologetic. Suffice to say the conversation deteriorated quickly. Fast forward a few months. I guess I was feeling lucky because I was back at the same supermarket in the meat section ("the scene of the crime"). I was shopping and eavesdropping when I heard that same manager talking to some other staff about how he liked his job. He said, "I like the job but some people can be very mean, very mean, like that one." Gigi: Exit Stage Left.

How preposterous! The kind, caring, empathic, counselor was mean? I have to say that part of me thought it was pretty funny. I was able to step outside myself in the moment and see the humor in the whole situation and how I'd enjoy retelling the story as few people in this world I believe, consider me mean. Part of me wanted to defend myself and explain to those people the story. But then there it was. A small voice that was saying, "You know what G, you really didn't handle yourself right that day." As right or wrong I thought I was, how justified or whatever, I could have done a much better job in dealing with that situation.

It is in those realizations that growth can occur. I didn't go to the extreme of self-degradation into thinking I was an awful person but I didn't dismiss it either. Evaluating what triggered my poor response, what I was feeling when things started to get heated, and what I could have done better is productive. I will need to work on anticipating those types of situations with better attitudes altogether. The test will be when I'm faced with a similar situation and I start to feel that surge of adrenaline and the anger swelling. I will need to make better choices and handle myself better.

We need to accept who we are now, but then we need to set some realistic goals. Do not make your goal perfection, make it improvement. We are always a work in progress, at any age, any place on the road on your journey. There is always room for improvement. If you set your goals too high, you are no doubt going to fail. If you don't have goals you will go nowhere. It is important to find out what is realistic and doable. There are always going to be obstacles, setbacks and discouragements that will impede your progress. You will most likely need others to help you. Learn to accept that help from others as we are all interdependent upon each other.

Find people who encourage you and believe in you, and most importantly find the courage to believe in yourself.

Margaret "Gigi" Roe, LPC