Personal Boundaries: Relationship Fighting or Personal Boundary Violations

by Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

Definition of personal boundaries violation: The violation of a person's physical or mental state (personal boundaries, limits), which is different for every person.

Listed below are some of the characteristics of personal boundary violations.

• "Always" "Never"
• "You"
• Yelling voice
• Calling names
• Cussing
• Bringing up the past
• Categorizing / Comparing
• Doesn't listen to other person's side
• Turns away or walks away
• Sarcastic
• Laughs at other person
• Mocks other person
• Demands to talk at inappropriate times
• Passive Manipulative Behavior:
  A - Pout
  B - Slams door
  C - Whining
  D - Making faces
  E - Silent treatment
• Talks over last part of sentence
• Hits or throws things
• Using weak points
• Lecturing
• Interrogating
• Monopolizing conversation (monologues)
• Asking inappropriate questions - over the other person's boundaries
• Mad about one thing but talks about another
• Threatening statements or behavior
• Blackmail "or else" statements
• Ultimatum
  
• Attempting to "guilt trip" or "shame"
  
• Moving across physical boundary of other person
  
• Threatening physical gestures or movements
  
• Taking the others inventory
  
• Conditional love, "I'll marry you, if you..."
  
• Condescending
  
• Breaking confidences
  
• Third party communication
  
• Lying
  
• Breaking promises repeatedly
  
• Not supportive emotionally
  
• Critical:
  A - Calling names
  B - Bringing up the past to hurt you
  
• Neglecting your needs deliberately
  
• Pushing buttons
  
• Making fun of you
  
• Treating you like a child, or mother, or father - treats you as an inferior or superior
  
• Ignores - doesn't listen to you or your opinion
  
• Being disrespectful / rude
  
• Won't take "no" for an answer
  
• Pushiness
  
• Someone who gives you advice not asked for
  
• Demanding
  
• Judgmental
  
• Trying to "fix" or "save" you
  A - Manipulating
  B - Blaming
  
• Shotgun blasting - not staying on one subject
  
• Physical abuse
  
• Sexual abuse
  
• Strings attached to gifts
  
• Withholding behavior
  
• Inappropriate secrets or threats
  
• Excessive teasing

Appropriate counseling can assist an individual, couple, or family learn better personal limitations. Explore the ease of e-mail counseling or virtual counseling.

Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC