Struggling with Styles of Parenting

Sample E-mail Question and Answer by Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Question:
Hi Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years. We had a pretty quick courtship, engaged after 3 months, married 8 months later. We are opposites in a lot of ways, but it really seems to work for us, a good balance. He is the parent of four children and one step-son from two previous relationships. He did get a vasectomy, but before we were even engaged we discussed the fact that I desperately want children and he agreed to get a reversal. We also decided not to become parents right away, so that we were sure to have some just us time first. Between then and now, we are the proud parents of a puppy and spent 5 1/2 weeks with his children last summer at our house. We have become very aware of some major differences in our parenting styles, differences to the point of very heated arguments, which don't happen often with us. Is it possible to come to a compromise on our parenting styles? How do we work through this?

Struggling with Parenting Styles

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Answer:
Dear Struggling with Parenting Styles,

After making quick decisions about getting married I am impressed that you decided to wait a minute before having (more for him) kids. You really have been given a unique opportunity to find out the issue of your parenting styles and address it before having kids of your own.

Typically our initial parenting styles mirror that with which we grew up, good, bad, or ugly. So with you and your husband being opposites in a lot of ways, my guess is that you grew up with two different parenting styles. Because it is so ingrained in what you grew up with, it really takes a conscious effort to make changes, but it definitely is possible.

First, you need to sit down together when you are both calm, without the current kids around and talk about your different views on parenting. Throw out some scenarios and talk about what your thinking is behind your actions. That way each of you can start to understand why you each do what you do. Is it out of reaction or is there a logical reason behind it. If you can come to an agreement about what Should happen, great! Then work to start to implement it. Help each other find ways to remember to do the new parenting skill, so that you don't blow up at each other. The biggest thing about parenting is to be on the same page and you can't be on the same page without discussing it.

If you have trouble coming to agreements I would recommend getting some kind of parenting program that you can learn and follow. There are many on the market, just pick one that is relatively simple (the more complicated, the harder to follow) and learn everything you can about it and then implement. A counselor can help you talk it through, give you suggestions and even help you figure out what you are doing wrong when it isn't working, so don't be afraid to ask for some help. Probably 75% of my business is teaching parenting skills and helping parents figure out how to make it work.

I do recommend that you come to an agreement on parenting styles and practice it a little more before you venture into having your own. That way you will be really ready for your new little one.

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor