Facebook Parenting: A troubled teen or troubled parent?


The main reaction I had to watching “the troubled teen video” was profound sadness. Things do not happen in isolation. There is no doubt that this teen has a huge sense of entitlement and has been spoiled in many ways, however no one pops out of the womb that way – they are trained by the culture and especially by the parents. So although this obviously hurt parent models disrespect and violence in response to his child’s disrespect, abuse, disrespect, and violence begets abuse, disrespect, and violence in its turn.

Shooting a computer in order to teach their child respect simply shows that the parent is on the same level of immaturity as the teen herself. You can bet that the parent’s behavior is not a random event, and that his parenting style has always been characterized by immaturity and disrespect. His daughter has returned his behavior in kind and will do so again. Violence never fixes anything. This is the way children of dysfunctional families learn how to treat their kids with dysfunction – and this act will result in the same.

The overwhelming response of the comments to this video hailed this immature parent as a “hero” for “teaching” this child a lesson. That type of response is what keeps this kind of power struggle in existence. It would have been much more powerful and healing if the parent had modeled appropriate maturity and gave her appropriate and firm consequences. Taking the computer away would be fine, taking privileges away would help, but when parents lose their cool and act like children they receive and deserve no respect at all.

You can learn more about dysfunctional families and effective parenting from our online psychology videos page.

Valentine’s Day. A Love Addiction Awareness Day

Valentine's Day and Love AddictionFebruary 14th.  Valentine’s Day:  A time when relationships start; many couples get engaged and many start their “steady” relationships this very same day.  And even though the norm is that it is a very happy and romantic day, many other, less fortunate couples end their relationships on this date as well.  This is the best time to write about break ups and love addiction. Love addiction, as Jef Gazley writes, “is about starvation, and desperation… It’s about self-love, rather than really seeing the other person for who they are.”  The love that the love-addicted person feels is not healthy.  It is a hunger, “a need to be fed.”  It doesn’t value the other person either.  The person suffering from love addiction doesn’t see intangible things that make people fall in love; the qualities of the other person.  Addicted love is intense and it is almost not love in itself; it is “self-love” and it is egocentric.

In a perfect world each one of us can find the perfect partner. But this is only feasible in a utopia; there is no perfect world, and there isn’t a perfect partner and, consequently, there isn’t a perfect relationship.  Nonetheless, there is someone in the world that will understand our imperfections and accept most of them; someone that we can communicate with, and give and receive the caring love we properly deserve, without expecting anything in return.  Sometimes this person could be a friend, a relative, a parent, and not necessarily our life partner.

Here are some characteristics of people that are addicted to love that can be compared with healthy love:

  • They feel consumed
  • They cannot define ego boundaries
  • They exhibit sadomasochism
  • They fear letting go
  • They fear risk, change, and the unknown
  • They experience little individual growth
  • They do not experience true intimacy
  • They play psychological games
  • They give to get something back
  • They attempt to change the other person
  • They need the other person to feel complete when together
  • They seek solutions outside the self
  • They demand and expect unconditional love
  • They refuse to commit themselves
  • They look to others for affirmation and worth
  • They fear abandonment when routinely separated
  • They recreate old negative feelings
  • They desire, yet fear, closeness
  • They attempt to take care of others’ feelings
  • They play power games

To find more information about love addiction and how to have healthy relationships, you can visit our mental health and psychology videos section.  We also have a self-improvement book section that can help you attain your mental health goals.  This month only we will be offering the Love Addiction DVD for $34.99 and the “Is that the reason my relationships fail?” eBook for $5.00.  But we will only have them at this price for a limited time.  Get your Love Addiction Video  or Love Addiction eBook today!

Smartphone Addiction – Really?!

Smartphone addictionI love technology! I hate technology! Innovation and change is not only inevitable but usually comes about because of a real societal need. However, often these game changers fix one problem and then create numerous other ones. Smartphones are no exception.

Who can argue with a hand held device that allows you to speak to someone at anytime without being connected to a specific locality as is the case with land line phones? Being able to connect with someone while traveling because of an emergency such as a blown tire is magnificent. The GPS component in these smartphones makes perfect sense. The ability to search the internet for addresses and other information is not only a time saver, but a logical necessity. I can even see the sense of the ability to listen to music on these devices. However, since I am not a photographer the camera component leaves me a bit cold.

The social aspect of smartphones is much more complicated. Human beings are social. Like bees, ants, and chimpanzees we have complicated group structures that require complex communication in order to bond us. Even gossip seems to help provide more group cohesiveness so I guess Oprah does provide a real benefit to society although she did saddle us with “Dr. Phil” who is one of the most toxic people on the planet. I do deny the social good of Geraldo or “reality” TV though.

The question is do smartphones bring us more together or create distance? I believe they do both! How many times have you seen a family or a couple in a restaurant and noticed how many of them were on their phones? Sometimes they are texting, sometimes talking, and sometimes playing games or surfing the internet. What they are not doing is looking or talking to each other. This type of non-interaction is now becoming the norm.

I have noticed at several concerts I have attended that many couples are now texting other people while they are on a date. So much for connection and intimacy! I have also seen numerous couples who are sitting at the same table and texting each other instead of really talking directly. Several of my clients have reported that someone they were dating broke up with them via email or text.

As someone who has been an internet pioneer –www.asktheinternettherapist.com has been online since 1998– I have great respect for technology and know its power. I am still a proponent of technological change, but it is important for us to be in charge of the technology and not to let the ease of the device warp what the goal of the device was intended for. Smartphone TV ads underline this fact. In a commercial for the Microsoft Windows 7 an attractive woman in a negligee is looking at her husband who is in bed with his smartphone. He doesn’t even notice she is there. All she says is “REALLY?” I am asking the same question.