Archive for October 2008
The following was listed as a comment and I wanted to follow up to it.
I have been with a wonderful man for 1 1/2 years. He just recently has told me that he wants to date other woman and that I was just an infatuation. All this has taken place since I moved in with him 8 months ago. We starting growing apart right from the beginning, and now it is like we are strangers. Is there anything I can do to bring him back to me. I love him and know he is what I need and want in my life. Please help me understand.
It is interesting that things started falling apart when you moved in together. It is the same problem married people have. The novelty and excitement seems to disappear when you are with eachother so much. You think that by moving in together you would be increasing your romance, but in fact, the opposite happens. It happens because now that you have access to each other, you aren’t as desired by the other. The idea of the “hunt” or the “chase” is gone, so you have to find other ways to make things exciting.
One way to do that is to find ways to “play” together. Studies have shown that couples who actively play together, whether it is a sport outside or at the gym or just having tickle time in the bedroom, are happier and stay together longer. So make an effort to add playful time to your daily routine.
Love notes and phone calls just to say “I love you” also are a big way to keep the flame going.
In this particular case, i think you need to have a serious heart to heart conversation with him about what he isn’t liking anymore and what is exciting about the new girl. Could be that he just likes the thrill of the chase and if that is the case, he isn’t emotionally ready to settle down with you and your best bet is to move on and learn from this experience. There are lots of men out there, even if it doesn’t seem like it.
Check out my web page at
www.http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Domestic Violence happens so much more than we realize. It really needs to be taken seriously and we ALL need to realize the NONE of US DESERVE it, no matter what has happened in our lives. We also need to recognize that both men and women are prepetrators of domestic violence. Your typical scenario is the man hitting the woman, but it definitely happens the other way around as well, and that doesn’t make the abused man any less “manly” to admit that it is happening. Domestic violence can also take the form of the person being violent with stuff, breaking things, throwing things, etc. They may think it is ok because they aren’t actually hitting the other person, but there is still the message of power and fear and control being conveyed.
Here is a letter I answered this week about domestic violence.
Dear Carol,
I’ve been with the same man for 6 and 1/2 years; we have been married for a year and half of that time. Since we’ve been married we have split up five times, as for now we are separated again. When my husband gets mad he breaks anything and everything he can get his hands on. Just this weekend he got mad came to my house and punched my window out of my door and also punch my mail box and broke it. I’m not afraid of him, but I know this is not a healthy marriage. I don’t know what to do go ahead and file for a divorce or keep trying to work things out. In our last fight he promised me he wouldn’t break anymore of my things, but this weekend was proof he lied. I love him for all of the things we’ve been through but I hate that we keep separating and I know things have to change. Please help me.
Unsure of my next move
Dear Unsure,
When we hear about stories about other people in violent situations it seems easy to just say “why don’t you just leave?” but when it is us in the middle of it and there are mixed up feelings of love and loyalty and fear, it gets a whole lot more complicated.
I think you are in a very serious situation here that could end up with you getting hurt, if not killed. I think you are smart to be separated from him for now and I would recommend you not let him come over. You have to be the one to make the decision on whether to divorce or give it one more try, but I would recommend a few things to consider when you make that decision.
First, I want you to make a list/description of the kind of guy you want to be with for the next 50 years. Try not to think about your husband, just think of “the perfect man”. Then I want you to think of how life would be if you stayed with this man and he didn’t change at all over the next 50 years. What would you be like by then? What would he be like? What kind of father would he be? Is that the kind of father you want for your kids? Is that the kind of husband you want for you?
If you decide you need to give this relationship one last shot you will need to set some hard and fast ground rules for him where the deal is if he doesn’t follow them to the T, you are done and file for divorce. The ground rules should include at minimum weekly individual therapy for him (not a bad idea for you as well); Absolutely no violence around you; there may be Anger Management classes in your area that would also be a good idea. The next time there is violence, you call the police, no excuses on your part. If you want to have any chance at a healthy relationship here, you have to be firm and draw your line of what is acceptable and what is not. He continues this pattern because he can, because you let him. There may be a part of you that thinks you deserve this or don’t deserve any better than this, but you are wrong and that is where I think the counseling for you is a good idea. That way the next guy isn’t the same song, second verse.
It is time for you to take a stand for yourself, for your safety, for your health, for your sanity. There is no reason for you to continue to live with this violence. That is unacceptable.
Good luck, you have some hard work to do!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
