Archive for February 2009
Dear Carol,
My husband of 7 years has a history of not being able to keep a job. In the beginning it didn’t bother me because it was just us, but we have a 3 year old daughter and it still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t act like it even phases him. Most of the time he gets Fired, but, and I quote, “it’s Never His Fault” there is always an excuse as to why he got fired, but the blame is never his. I confronted him about it almost 2 years ago. He walked out. He actually got upset with me and walked out on me and our daughter. He was gone for about a week, I let him come back home and he did it again. He walked out on us again and was gone for about a month. I filed for divorce. In the end I stopped the divorce and let him come home and things have been bad ever since. He still can’t keep a job. He has been out of work on Workman’s Comp for 6 months due to an injury. When he was released he didn’t have a job to go back to because he didn’t read the paper work. I am working 2 jobs and 50-70 hour weeks trying to make ends meet. My house looked like a pig sty until a few weeks ago when I cam home from a 12 hour shift and had had it. I screamed and yelled and threw a fit. I didn’t talk to him the rest of the night and left for work in the morning, still without saying a word to him. He finally got the hint that I was upset and got the house clean and has kept it clean. I was all ready to divorce him, but the kicker is I do love him, just not his habits and I am scared as Heck to be a single mom, and financially I would be out of luck because why would I think he would keep a job and pay child support if he doesn’t even contribute now. I am lost in marriage and don’t know where to turn. I love him and I am just fed up with the things he pulls. Please help me.
Lost in Marriage
Dear Lost in Marriage,
My question for you is Why do you love him when he treats you this way? My next question is Why do you let him back time and again when you know he hasn’t and isn’t going to change? You working 50-70 hour weeks only enables him to remain jobless and not take any responsibility. He has a good thing going. He gets to stay home, be a bum and you will take care of him. Can I move in to your house? I need someone to take care of me too!
The things that you say are standing in your way of doing what you know you need to do are as bad of excuses as he has for not keeping a job. You ARE already financially supporting yourself and your daughter, and him as well! I am sure you have some kind of support network to help you be a single mom and if you don’t, start creating one. Look for playgroups, start going to church, look online for other single moms in your area. If you put yourself out there, you will find all kinds of people in the same situation as yourself. Start building your support network so you will have someone to lean on when the time comes that you need it.
Somewhere in the back of your mind is the faulty assumption that you somehow deserve him and that having anyone is better than having no one. This is NOT TRUE! You will be Much better off being on your own than supporting this guy for the rest of your life, and that is what it will be, the rest of your life. He has had multiple opportunities to make changes and hasn’t. He isn’t going to until you make some changes where you put you and your daughter first.
You made a mistake in marrying this guy. It is time to fix that and find some self-esteem and give yourself credit for what you have already accomplished.
Getting some individual counseling might help you find the strength you need to pull your self out of this.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counseling
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
When you are searching for someone to spend your life with don’t underestimate the importance of having common thoughts and beliefs about religion and spirituality. It may seem like not a big deal when you are dating, but when you have children, it WILL come up about what religion to bring them up in. It is important to have that figured out before you have kids.
here is a letter from a listener on this subject:
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and in the last few months I am having second thoughts about us being together. My family is very close and very religious and his is not. His mother lives 30 miles away and only sees our three children every 6 months or so, and bad mouths everything that has to do with religion. He will go to church with me every once in a while but not with any enthusiasm. I usually end up going by myself with the children and spending the day with my family without him. I am thinking that we are too different to be together and I am thinking about leaving him. No one knows what I am thinking not even him I am just not sure that there is any way to get around this big block in the road.
Wanting more religious unity
Dear Wanting,
Oftentimes when people first get together they underplay the importance of sharing religious beliefs, probably thinking the difference is no big deal, which it may not be at the time. Then couples have kids and all of a sudden it carries much more importance.
The other thing about religion/spirituality is that it is very personal and you can’t really make someone believe or not believe. It has to be their choice. He may feel like he needs to go with you to please you, but you can’t make him do it enthusiastically unless he really feels it.
I do think this is and can be a very big issue between couples, but it should have been a deal breaker 7 years ago, not after 3 kids. I think you need to have a serious conversation about this with your husband. You need to explain how you feel about it and your wish (I am assuming this) to share more of a religious experience with him. If it is more of you wanting him to join in with your family afterward, maybe that is a compromise. He doesn’t go to church, but comes with you to the family time afterward. I am not sure what his mother has to do with this and I suspect there is a lot more to the story than you are sharing and maybe with more information you may have a better case for leaving at this point. Because you have 3 kids I think you owe it to them to try everything you can to make this work. If you can’t have the kind of conversation you need to have with him, I would recommend getting some couples counseling to help you express yourself better to him and open up the lines of communication.
Good Luck
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
