Parenting is probably one of the hardest jobs out there. Not only is it 24/7, but it is for the remainder of your life. You never really stop being a parent. Your job duties may change along the way, as they should, as your child gets older, but you never really stop being a parent.

Having said that, all of you parents out there know how exhausting it can be to be a parent. Whether you are a single parent, married, divorced, widowed, whatever, it can be truly exhausting. On the flip side, the benefits are amazing as well.

Currently, in my home we are dealing with the “terrible twos” from my youngest daughter. “Terrible Twos” should really be called terrible 1-4’s because they can happen anywhere in that time frame. My oldest daughter started at 18 months, and my youngest didn’t start til she was almost 3. It really is a time when they are starting to assert their independence and realizing that they do have some power in their surrounds. It is incredibly easy to get frustrated with the whole process, especially after you have said “put on your shoes, please” for the hundredth time and she stares at you blankly, or puts her hand on her hip and says “no! I don’t want to!”

The trick is to not explode on your child as well as not to take their resistance personnally, both of which are much easier said than done. Exploding on your child simply reinforces the behavior you want to get rid of. It is role modeling a grown up temper tantrum as well as probably scaring her to death, creating more crying/whining, creating a bigger mess than the one you had before. If you take it personally that she is being disrespectful to you and that triggers stuff for you (most of us have that trigger!) it gets really easy to blow things out of porportion, which really is exactly what she is doing and you get into a tug of war of who is going to give in first and it will be painful whatever the outcome.

What I have discovered, through trial and error and doing all of the above with little success, is once i take a step back from the situation, what i really see is a small child wanting to be heard. She wants to be acknowledged that she has feelings and emotions and is more than something to be bossed around. Granted, she seems to pick the most inopportune times to be heard, but when i take the 30 extra seconds (and that really is all it takes) to get down on her level and reflect back that i know she is angry, upset, or whatever, she is much more likely to hear what I need to say. Plus, my taking that time (honestly, 30 seconds) gives her the opportunity to learn how to put her feelings into words so that she can learn how to express herself in more positive, healthy ways, which will serve her for her entire life. It also reminds me that I am not a dictator (although, there are occasions where this is necessary) and that all of these little everyday instances are what shapes my daughter’s life. It gives me pause to remember that I am a crucial part of the creation of her reality, more than just giving birth to her, but helping her learn how to cope in a healthy manner in this world. That is really what makes parenting so amazingly and profoundly important and rewarding.

So the next time your 2 year old, or your 8 year old, or your 12 year old (if they didn’t learn it at 2, they keep having them!) has their own temper tantrum, remember to stop and actually listen to what they are complaining about. They may just need to be validated that their feelings and emotions are ok and that they are an important part of the family.

Go home and hug your kids!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

counseling, emotions, parenting, temper tantrums, two year olds, validation Hide

Dear Carol,

I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs.  We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc…  I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management.  This all happened in front of my 4 yr old!  He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better.  He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class.  My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again?  I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help.  He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff.  I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice.  My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite.  He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!)  He’s not the “typical” abuser.  I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again.  Please I need some advice. Thanks

The wife

Dear Wife,

I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.

Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

anger management, child, children, counseling, couples counseling, domestic violence, family, marriage, marriage counseling Hide