Archive for May 2009
With a newborn, I spend a lot of time in my rocking chair, feeding him, rocking him, singing to him, etc. Granted, it is less time now than with my first child as I am chasing after my 3 and 5 year old as well, but it is still a considerable amount of time. While I am sitting in this chair I have a lot of time to think. I actually enjoy the excuse to be able to sit down and be still for a while. This life I have created where I think I have to be superwoman and do EVERYTHING there possibly is to do and if I don’t accomplish it with greatness, I am a failure, can be very taxing and overwhelming at times. This opportunity to just sit and think and “be” actually helps me handle all of the other duties and responsibilities I have taken on in this life.
Today I was thinking about the difference between simply living life and living life to its fullest. Simply going about day to day activities, just getting from one thing to the next and hoping that you can survive whatever life throws at you is not living your life to its fullest. Usually you are just numb and just surviving. You may be functioning well and accomplishing the tasks you set out to do, but you are not experiencing your life like you could be. People who are depressed are often numb. They aren’t feeling anything and when that depression lifts, it is like the sun coming out and everything is brighter and prettier and more amazing than you had ever noticed before.
Living life to its fullest is about experiencing everything in the moment. It is about not worrying about the past or being anxious about the future, but being fully awake and aware of the moment you are in right now. It is about experiencing the beauty of your surroundings, appreciating the complexities of nature and the miracles that are your children. It is about noticing the ordinary and being grateful for what you do have. It is about breathing and having an awareness that you are feeling your emotional states and being OK with whatever emotional state you are in. It is about accepting who you are, as you are, without reservation.
Sometimes it takes slowing down and taking stock of where you are in your life and what you want to get out of it, more than just what tasks you want to accomplish, but how you want to live, even how you want to feel. I know I am grateful for the opportunity to be “forced” to slow down and remember what is really important to me and where my energy should be focused. I am grateful for the blessings I have in my life and look forward to the many years of amazing moments ahead.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
With Memorial Day here and remembering those who have fought for us, it seemed like a good time to talk about grief. Whenever we lose someone close to us, whether it is through death or separation or even the breakup of a relationship we need to remember that it takes time and that it is ok to grieve. We need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we feel and to go through the stages of grief at whatever pace we go through it. There is no set time frame for how long grief should last. For some it takes only a short while, for others the process is much longer. Only when you have completed a stage are you ready to move on to the next one. The stages are a natural process and one can’t judge another about how fast or slow they go through the process. The thing to watch for though, is if you get stuck in one of the stages. If it seems like you just can’t get past that particular point, it may be the perfect time to get some short term counseling to help you move to the next stage.
Here are the stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”
1.Denial- This is when we don’t want to admit that we have lost someone. We keep going as if nothing has changed. Not crying, feeling numb.
2. Anger- Feelings of wanting to fight back, yell and scream, get even. Blaming the deceased or ex-spouse is part of this stage. “Why is this happening to ME?” Or “it is so unfair!”
3. Bargaining-trying to make deals with God or your ex to put things back the way they were. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. Sometimes this stage happens before the person is gone.
4. Depression- otherwise known as Sadness, overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. This is the time, especially if you are feeling suicidal, to get help.
5. Acceptance- where you accept the reality of the loss and are able to move on with your life. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of the loss and being able to grow and move forward again.
Grief is difficult, whatever the situation. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Therapy doesn’t have to be a long time commitment. It can be a few sessions just to get you over that hump. Be gentle with yourself through this process. It is hard and painful and human to feel the loss so deeply.
Happy Memorial Day!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
“People Pleasers” as they are so often referred to, are people that we all know and very possibly are even ourselves. These are people that spend their lives doing for others. Now normally, doing for others is a good thing. All of the charity organizations count on people doing good things for others and it does tie into the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. So when is doing for others a bad thing? Where is the line and how do you know if you have crossed it?
The answer is both simple and complex. The line is crossed when you sacrifice yourself for the other person. However, (here is the complex part) there are always situations in which you have to, or need to sacrifice your way to make decisions. This is called compromise. You will know if you have gone too far if all you are EVER doing is giving in, if you can’t form an opinion about anything without checking with someone else first, if you feel taken advantage of, or if you have lost who you are in the process of trying to please someone else.
People Pleasers usually get the way they are because their parents were either not available, stingy with their praise, or condescending. Basically the child spent their entire childhood trying to get their parent’s approval without success. Thus, the child learned that they were worthless unless they were doing something for their parent. So they would sacrifice any and everything in hopes of being accepted and ultimately loved. This need to please carries over into adulthood and these people are easy targets for people to take advantage of. This is because they are so afraid of rejection, thinking that any rejection translates into their not being worthwhile or lovable, that they are unable to set appropriate healthy boundaries with people. These people also, for the same reason have a hard time finding TRUE friends. It is easy for them to find friends, but it is usually a one-way relationship with the people pleaser doing everything for the other and getting nothing in return.
So what do you do if you are a People Pleaser? How do you fix this? First you identify your urge to please and recognize how that links to feelings of inferiority. Then you have to remind yourself that you really are worthwhile and lovable and that you don’t have to do everything their way in order for them to like you and respect you. (this is usually a hard thing to convince yourself of after so many years of thinking the opposite, so be gentle with yourself if you don’t get it immediately, just keep trying!) If you can interrupt the process that goes from the urge to please to the action of pleasing you are making headway! The goal is to be able to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for yourself so that you can have an opinion and start to get to know who you really are without all that need to please. Healthy boundaries may mean that you still want to do things for others, but it will be on your terms because you want to, not because you need their approval for doing it. You need to start doing things for yourself as well. Taking care of ourselves is very hard, but vital for our well-being.
It is usually best if people pleasers get some help from a counselor in this process, simply because it is so ingrained in their way of thinking it can be really hard to do this on your own. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is time you mattered to you.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I am in a relationship with the most wonderful guy in the world. I moved almost 1400 miles away from my family and friends to be with him. He has 2 children and I have one. He is a wonderful dad. He is one of my closest friends. I love him more than I ever thought was possible. Here’s is my problem. I have gained about 40-50 pounds since moving out here to be with him. We have been together for about 4 years now. I am ready for more of a commitment. We get into discussions about marriage and he just doesn’t understand why I feel we need to do that. I finally got him to admit that I had put on a few pounds and he is worried about my health and doesn’t want to marry me because I could get either bigger afterwards or my health could start to fade. So as a woman all I heard was you are too fat to marry, but good enough to live with and raise my kids and take care of my house. I don’t want to leave him but what to I do? Thanks!
Feeling Fat and Confused
Dear Feeling Fat,
It sounds like there are a couple of issues here. The first is why you would move yourself and your child 1400 miles WITHOUT the commitment of marriage in the first place. Did you think you weren’t good enough for him to marry you back then?
The second is your denial about his behavior. You spoke so highly of him in the beginning of your letter that it sounds like you don’t want to admit he could do something so cruel and heartless, which is exactly what he did: Something CRUEL and HEARTLESS to the woman he is supposed to love. OF COURSE you heard that you are too fat to marry, but not too fat to do everything else for him, that is they way women are programmed in this society. We are programmed to be so self conscious about how we look that it overrides normal, rational thought. If he really is such a good guy, then my guess is there is something else going on here. It sounds like fear of commitment, the reason for which you will have to do some digging. My guess is that it was easier to him to put the blame on you (since you were so ready to take that blame) than it was for him to admit that he was afraid of something. It could be he got burned the first time around with his kids’ mom and doesn’t want to do that again. Or, it could just be that he is a shallow jerk that is more concerned about appearances than about who you are as a person. Whatever his reasons, he wasn’t being such a great guy when he let you take the blame.
It is time for some confrontation with him about what is really going on and if he truly won’t marry you because of your weight or if there is something else. It is also time for you to gain some self-esteem. You have to believe that you ARE worth marrying before anyone will want to marry you. You need to do some soul searching and find that awesome, beautiful woman inside you. It may help you to talk with a counselor to figure out what gets in your way of feeling good about yourself.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I am the mother of two young children, 3 and 1 and have been married for 10 years. I work part time and am home with the kids the rest of the week. I have been feeling extremely depressed for the last few months. I have put on about 50 pounds in the last few years with having kids. My marriage is ok, my husband is a great support (most of the time) and my work is stressful at times, but I like it and excel at it. I know I don’t eat well and am usually up a minimum of once per night with one or the other child. Some days I struggle with basic self-care tasks like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I am tired of feeling this way and it scares me to see my depression affecting my kids. I was crying today when I was home with them and my 3 year old said, while rubbing my head, that she was sorry and it would be ok. So I know it affects them and that kills me. What do I do?
Depressed in Arizona
Dear Depressed in Arizona,
Trying to maintain a job, a household, a marriage, AND raise two young kids is a HUGE job for anyone. Believe me, I know! I am in the same situation! It can be VERY overwhelming trying to juggle all of those things and take care of yourself too. It sounds to me like you are definitely depressed and need to do something about that right now.
You definitely have some strengths going for you. A good, helping, supportive husband is a huge benefit for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on his shoulder from time to time. Let him know how you are feeling and that you need him to help you. Whether it is more help around the house, taking the kids out of the house for a few hours so you can have some “me” time, or just holding you while you cry. Try to use the resources you already have available. He could even help encourage you to maintain your basic self-care tasks like showering and brushing your teeth.
Tomorrow, I want you to call your family doctor and talk about getting on an antidepressant. Then I want you to make an appointment to talk with a therapist. It can be me, or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It will take some effort to make these calls, but I think you understand how important it is to do this right away. You need to be able to talk to a professional about what is going on here, before you get to the point that you give up or hurt the kids. I know you don’t want to think about that, but it sounds like you are headed in that direction and could get there pretty quickly.
Next, it is time to teach the kids to sleep through the night. I know, I know, easier said than done. Believe me, I know! Sleep deprivation can take down even the most stable of people. This is something you need to do for your own good, as well as for the children. They will be better off if they get a good night’s sleep too. Telling your 3 year old when they go to bed that you expect them to stay in their bed all night and that they are safe and that you will see them in the morning when it is time to get up. I usually tell my daughter what we are planning to do for the next day and that she has to go to sleep and stay in bed all night in order to do that thing. It also gives her time to adjust to the idea so there are less fights in the morning. I call this “front loading”, meaning giving her the information ahead of time so she can feel some control over it and doesn’t feel tricked into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Three year olds like to feel like they have some power in their lives and finding ways for them to have an appropriate amount is very useful.
If the baby is still waking up you need to figure out if you have taught her to not sleep through the night, or if she was sleeping through the night and isn’t anymore, what has changed. Is she/he teething or have an ear infection? Are they congested and can’t breathe? If it isn’t her teeth or ears, then you need to find a method that fits for you (there are several out there) and stick to it. Studies have shown that the method doesn’t really matter as long as you pick one and stick to it consistently. Get your husband to help you and make it a priority. It is time for you to get some sleep!
Once you get these few things into place you can start looking at making your lifestyle healthier. Adding some exercise and eating better will help you feel better and give you more energy to do all that you need to do.
Lastly, you need to give yourself credit for doing everything you are doing. You are raising loving kids (as evidenced by their empathy), holding together a 10 year marriage to a great guy, and excelling at your job! You deserve an award just for that! Try to remember that we weren’t made to be “Superwoman”, even though we try to live up to that. You have to give yourself some kudos for doing the best you can and being ok with that. It is time to put away the perfectionistic ideas and start taking care of you. I know, no small order. If you want to work more with me, I am more than willing to do chat, email or phone sessions with you through my website www.asktheinternettherapist.com.
Good Luck and let me know if I can help you more.
Hang in there!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
