Archive for August 2009
There never seems to be a shortage of marriages having troubles these days. Hopefully we can work to change that! Maybe by sharing our stories and possible solutions we can make positive changes in our own relationships and keep them from falling apart.
Here is a listener question from my work on the radio.
Dear Carol,
I am 38 year old man who has been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys and a very busy lifestyle running them to practices and school, etc. Our marriage has had small struggles over the last several years and I know we have gotten too busy with the boys and have stopped paying attention to the marriage. Now when I try to talk to my wife all I get is the shove-off or “I’m tired right now, can it wait?”
Anyway, I noticed her taking some phone calls that she would go outside to talk and when I asked her about it and who it was, she seemed nervous. So I looked at her phone and found out it is a dad of one of the kids who plays ball with our son and they have been talking 30-45 minutes at a time almost every day! I confronted her about it and she denied anything going on, but when I caught her again, I confronted her again and she finally said they had been talking for a while, but nothing had happened. She says she wants to work on the relationship, but I am having such a hard time trusting her! What do I do?
Marriage falling apart fast!
Dear Marriage Falling apart Fast,
I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about not giving the relationship enough attention. It is a difficult thing to do, especially with 3 busy boys, plus work and all of the other requirements of life, but it really is absolutely essential if you want to stay married. It is always easier to get those needs for attention and those feelings of being wanted and needed from someone else than it is to work through all of the little things that irritate you about your spouse.
I think it is time for a major sit down with your wife. If you are serious about staying together it is time for some drastic changes. I think that starts with some couples counseling. Next I would recommend that you each start doing small things for the other person. Try to remember back to when you first got together and what you did to romance her. That is the stuff you need to rekindle. I know it is difficult to do when you are having trouble trusting her, but my guess is, if she can get those needs met at home, she won’t need to talk to that guy and she will refocus her attention back on you and at home. I do think you need the counselor though to help sort through things and help you find ways to reconnect. Working on your marriage needs to take #1 priority in both of your lives if you want it to work out.
Don’t forget, you are the role model relationship for your boys. How you work things out or don’t work things out with your wife will impact their relationships in the future, so try to take the high road. If either of you aren’t willing to do the work that is needed to save the relationship, please try not to be angry and vindictive at your wife. Try to work through those feelings so your boys don’t see it. Again, counseling could come in really handy here.
Good Luck, I hope things get better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
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As a therapist I get a lot of questions about ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) both in kids and in adults. It has become very commonly diagnosed over the last ten years and parents seems to be perplexed about what to do with it. I had a question from come in i wanted to share here:
Dear Carol,
My 8 year old son is having difficulty at school paying attention, not turning in assignments, losing assignments, and the teacher says he is very disruptive in class. He also has problems getting along with other kids because he is very impulsive. I have been diagnosed with ADD and wonder if my son has it too. Do you think 8 is too young to be diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or too young to try medication?
Concerned parent of possible ADHD child
Dear Concerned parent of possible ADHD child,
From your description and with your family history, it is very likely that your son does indeed have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and possibly ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The difference between the two is one is hyper, constant movement, out of his chair, can’t sit still, and the other is only the difficulty paying attention without the hyperactivity.
There are many different treatments available for ADD/ADHD and given the level of problems your son is having it sounds like a good time to start looking into what options you have for treatment. One option is to try medication like Ritalin or Adderall and if you decide to got that route, I would recommend you see a psychiatrist to get the medications though, at least initially, just to make sure it is not something else going on and to get the kind of medication that is right for your child.
The great thing about ADHD medication is that you will know relatively quickly if it is helping or not. These medications typically go through your system quickly. If the child becomes MORE hyper, then it is not the medication for them and they probably don’t have ADHD. If your child calms down or is better able to focus to get their work done, then the meds can be helpful. I do want to say that not every kid is the same and you may need to try different medications to see if one works better than another, so don’t be discouraged if your doctor wants to try different things.
Another option that is more homeopathic is a product known as ADD-Care(tm) SR. This supplement, like the stimulants, does not cure ADD. ADD-care SR may help contolr the symptoms that are consisten with those found with ADD/ADHD adn therefore the supplement must be taken on a daily basis to continue to be effective. ADD-Care(tm) SR doesn’t seem to have the side effects the stimulant medication has and it can be used in the later part of the day without disturbing sleep. You can find it and more info about it at www.ADD-care.com as well as through the home page at www.asktheinternettherapist.com.
Another option I have seen parents use that has had some benefits is by changing the diets of those with the symptoms of ADD/ADHD. You will want to do some additional research about which diet to use, but typically they are ones that take out simple carbohydrates like sugar or ones that take out gluten seem to have some positive results with these symptoms.
I do want to note that medication and supplements are not the only treatment for ADD and ADHD. There needs to be a behavioral component to the treatment where the child learns how to control his impulses, learns organizational skills, social skills, etc. The medication or supplements can help slow him down enough for him to be able to learn these new skills. Without the additional training, the medication probably won’t be enough. Sometimes, once the kids have learned these new skills it is possible to have them on a much lower dose of medication or even no medication at all.
I know some parents are very hesitant to put their child on medications, and with good reason. It is important to research all of your options before making any decisions.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
The Rocking Chair Continues…
Well, here I am again, in what is quickly becoming my best thinking space, my rocking chair in my son’s nursery. With just the dim light from the star on the wall, the baby asleep in my arms and my reluctance to put him down in the crib, I have uninterrupted quiet time to just sit and enjoy and think.
Tonight I am thinking about paradoxes and how the theme of “life is full of Paradoxes” is so true in so many aspects. The word ‘paradox’ means “a seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true,” (American Heritage Dictionary). So basically, it is when the best route to take is the opposite of the one our instinct says we should take. For example, in the Disney Pixar movie “Cars” Doc Hudson teaches Lightning McQueen that in order to make that fast curve on the dirt track he actually needs to turn the wheels the opposite way from what he thinks he should do in order to keep the car from spinning out of control. How many times in our lives do we feel like it is spinning out of control? And paradoxically, if we turn the wheel the other way we are able to get back on the road?
The biggest example of this that comes up in my therapy work is the paradox of intimacy. It is the thing we all crave, but the instinct to protect ourselves flares up and sends us running the opposite direction from each other. How many times have you “liked” someone and ended up avoiding contact with them, or as a teenager, sent your friend to talk to him? Or with your spouse, how many times have you had an opportunity for a close moment that you just allow to pass by for fear of being rejected? The paradox to great relationships is that you have to risk being vulnerable to achieve that kind of intimacy. You have to walk TOWARD the risk instead of away from it. You have to pursue those opportunities for closeness regardless of whether you will be rejected or not. That is the part called “work” when we talk about relationships taking “work”. It is the part that takes effort to go the opposite way than what your instinct (reacting to fear) is telling you to do. To truly connect with others you have to take those risks. Does that mean you won’t ever get hurt? No, of course not. You will get hurt. That is part of life. But if you don’t take those risks you will never feel true intimacy with someone and that is probably the best thing there is in this life.
The next most common one I encounter in therapy as well as in my personal life is about the healing process. Again, the instinct (reacting to fear) is to stay away from what hurts you. Yes, it is a survival skill that probably worked well in the stone ages and occasionally works well today, but a lot of the time it really gets in the way. People avoid their pain like the plague, whether it is physical or emotional pain. Say you break your leg. That is a pretty severe injury that really hurts every time you move it. So you tend not to move it, but if you never move it again, it won’t heal properly and you won’t be able to use your leg, or if you do, it won’t be as good as it was before you broke it. The same goes for emotional pain. If you are hurt emotionally, your instinct says to avoid it however you can, whether it is through numbing yourself, or diverting your attention or trying to numb yourself through external measures like drugs or alcohol. All of these things allow you not to think about the hurt, but it doesn’t allow the hurt to heal and the hurt doesn’t go away. So paradoxically, the best route to health is to work through the pain. For the leg, that means physical rehabilitation and for anyone who has been through that they will tell you that it is very painful to go through rehab. For the emotional hurt, that means working through the pain, allowing it to come out and dealing with it. For both, we have professionals who are trained to help people deal with their pain. We realize that working through pain is incredibly difficult regardless of the kind of pain it is and that we all need a helping hand from time to time, a guide, a support, someone to help us along the way. Even there, there is a paradox. The instinct is just to handle it yourself and the paradox is that it is better to have someone help you through that tough time, be it physical or emotional. There is trust that your guide/helper/support person can handle whatever kind and amount of pain you have. Believe me, it is not always an easy job for the guide/helper/support person, but we wouldn’t be doing the jobs we are doing if we couldn’t handle the pain. Plus, the risk you take to do what you need to do to heal will be worth it in the end.
So when you get to those tough decisions in your life or life isn’t working out the way you want it to, look and see if you are headed in the right direction. It could be you are in the middle of a paradox!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I recently found out that my boyfriend of four years has a baby with someone else. We split up for about a year and he hooked up with some other girl. I’ve accepted it and moved on. But recently he has been treating me like crap. I’ve moved all over to different states with him because of his job, and am having trouble finding a job due to the fact that I’ve only stayed at a job for at least four months tops in the past two years. It’s really taking affect on me financially. He acts like it’s all my fault that I’m having trouble. (all of this has taken place in the past month). We fight all the time and I feel myself growing further away from him. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even like him to touch me. So you can only imagine what our sex life is like. He thinks that I think about things too much. I think I have a lot to think about. I just found out this month that he has a baby, I can’t find a job, I can’t pay bills because I don’t have a job, etc. I talk to my friends, they tell me that I’m too good to have to deal with all of what’s been going on. Even if I wanted to leave, I can’t financially go anywhere. I’m so lost, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Please help. . .
Feeling Desperate
Dear Feeling Desperate,
It is hard when you feel like you have invested significant amounts of your time, money and energy into something that feels like it is falling apart. You have some big decisions to make and it sounds like you probably will need to make them sooner, rather than later. The biggest thing I want you to remember, though, is that you ALWAYS have options. You are not stuck here.
I am not sure what is going on with your boyfriend to just start being nasty to you. From your letter I am not clear if he knew all along that he had the baby or if he just found out too. Regardless of his reasons, I think you need to have some serious conversations about what has been going on and where your relationship is going. This baby is definitely going to impact your relationship. If he is a good man, he will want to (and need to) be involved in this child’s life. That means regular visitation and possibly moving closer to wherever the baby and its mom live. When the child is in your home, it means negotiating parenting duties and discipline as the baby grows. It means regular communication with this ex-girlfriend. It means paying child support and extra things for the baby. All of these are huge things that could take a toll on your relationship with him if you don’t talk about them ahead of time. You also need to decide what you want to put up with. Do you want to have to deal with always having a baby in the picture? What if you eventually get married to this guy? Do you want to be a step mom right away? Lots of things to think about.
Your feeling yourself growing further away from him is your anger. It sounds like you are very angry at him for the baby issue, for not being nice to you, for moving so much to make it difficult for you to get a job. However, I want to challenge you to take some responsibility for some of these. Obviously, you can’t for the whole baby situation, but you need to remember that you chose to follow him every time he moved. You chose to stay after finding out about the baby. I am definitely not saying all of this is your fault, but you need to take responsibility for you and your part in this. When you separate out what you have control over, I think your decisions that you will make about your relationship will become clear.
I know that financially things are tough right now. If you are thinking of leaving you may need to lean on some friends or family members to help you out temporarily. Maybe you need to widen your options for what kind of job you could do, just to get something to get started. Maybe you make a plan to go in a few months, after you have gotten some money together to be able to do it. Whether you stay or go, it is in your best interest to have some of your own money. The more dependent you are on him, the more trapped you become. So start your own bank account, get a small amount of credit in your name (try to keep it paid off!) It is always a good idea to have something to fall back on.
If you need help through this rough time in your life, counseling might be a good way to help you resolve of these issue.
Good Luck,
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
