Dear Carol,

I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs.  We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc…  I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management.  This all happened in front of my 4 yr old!  He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better.  He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class.  My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again?  I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help.  He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff.  I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice.  My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite.  He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!)  He’s not the “typical” abuser.  I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again.  Please I need some advice. Thanks

The wife

Dear Wife,

I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.

Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

anger management, child, children, counseling, couples counseling, domestic violence, family, marriage, marriage counseling