Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.

The following is a letter from a radio listener:

Good Morning Carol.

I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?

Struggling with being single again!

Dear Struggling,

It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.

I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.

I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.

You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.

It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

child, children, counseling, depression, kids, relationships, self-esteem, single parenting, therapy Hide

Dear Carol,

I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs.  We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc…  I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management.  This all happened in front of my 4 yr old!  He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better.  He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class.  My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again?  I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help.  He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff.  I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice.  My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite.  He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!)  He’s not the “typical” abuser.  I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again.  Please I need some advice. Thanks

The wife

Dear Wife,

I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.

Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

anger management, child, children, counseling, couples counseling, domestic violence, family, marriage, marriage counseling Hide