When talking with parents over the years, one word seems to always come into the discussion.  “CONSISTENCY”  Why is this so important when dealing with children, of all ages?  Our children depend on us as parents to establish the routine, even if the stubborn adolescent complains about all the “rules”.  I believe that consistent parenting with follow-through gives our children a safety net that catches them when they stumble.  If we can outline clear expectations and our children understand the consequences, good or bad, they are able to learn safe and effective boundaries.  Without such boundaries, they could feel lost and distrustful.  So, I encourage all parents to be consistent because it pays off in a well-adjusted, self-confident child.

children, consistency, parenting, support Hide

Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.

The following is a letter from a radio listener:

Good Morning Carol.

I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?

Struggling with being single again!

Dear Struggling,

It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.

I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.

I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.

You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.

It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

child, children, counseling, depression, kids, relationships, self-esteem, single parenting, therapy Hide

Dear Carol,

I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs.  We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc…  I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management.  This all happened in front of my 4 yr old!  He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better.  He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class.  My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again?  I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help.  He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff.  I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice.  My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite.  He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!)  He’s not the “typical” abuser.  I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again.  Please I need some advice. Thanks

The wife

Dear Wife,

I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.

Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

anger management, child, children, counseling, couples counseling, domestic violence, family, marriage, marriage counseling Hide

Dear Carol,

My son is 8 yrs. old. He has been sleep walking and talking for several years. He started when he was about 2yrs. old. It has gradually gotten worse. He cries most of the time when he is doing this. He talks about crazy things not necessarily scary stuff but sometimes he is very terrified. He normally has actions with his speech. I don’t know what to do for him. I used to be able to wake him up when he is doing this, but anymore He won’t wake up, He does not remember a bit of it the next morning. I have heard not wake up sleep walkers. Is this true?  Is this something I need to talk with his doctor about? If you could suggest something that would be great.

 Thank You   

Mom of a Sleepwalker   

Dear Mom,

Sleep walking is fairly common, in fact I do it myself from time to time! Research has said that up to 15% of kids are sleepwalkers. Some do it more when they are sick, have a fever, are overtired, or are stressed about something. It sounds like your son has an extreme case of it and I would recommend a trip to the Doctor’s just to make sure it isn’t anything more serious.

In the meantime, there are a few things you can do that might help. Create a soothing bedtime ritual that helps him calm down. This could include soft music, soft light, singing quiet songs, etc. Just make sure you aren’t doing things to energize him (like tickling, wrestling, etc). Once you create a ritual, stick to it as well as a regular bedtime. The more you fluctuate his bedtime, the more you interrupt his sleep cycles. For me, I have to have a small light (nightlight) on in my room. I have found for myself that I sleepwalk more when it is pitch black. You may want to experiment with things like this to see what works best for you son.  Sometimes doctors also recommend waking your son up on a regular schedule, at the same time every night to change his sleep routine.

When you find him sleepwalking, don’t freak out, just know he is still sleeping and dreaming. Don’t worry if you can’t wake him up, just steer him back to bed. I don’t think it is harmful if you do wake him up, but he may be more startled and confused, so just expect that. It may be a good idea to keep the floor of his room clean and the hallway, etc., so when he does wander around he doesn’t hurt himself. If you have stairs that he could go down, get a gate to keep him from falling down the stairs. Also, if he is spending the night at anyone’s home, you need to warn them of his sleepwalking so they are prepared for middle of the night action.

As for his crying and being terrified, you might spend some time exploring what he is afraid of when he is awake. You may also want to monitor how many scary movies and violent television or video games he is exposed to. Typically the sleepwalker is dreaming while they are walking/doing things and dreams are influenced by what is in our brain. Things may not seem scary when we are awake, but your brain has a way of mixing things up and creating new scenarios when we are sleeping that can be really frightening.

Hope this helps and I hope you can get a full night’s sleep!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

children, parenting, sleep rituals, sleepwalking Hide

Parenting is such a hugh topic. There are so many things and questions you can have about parenting. Parenting is something you really learn as you do it. It doesn’t matter how many books you have read or trainings you have been to, there are always going to be situations where you aren’t sure what to do. Then when you think you have a handle on things the child continues to grow and you are onto whole new issues, or you have another child and they are completely different and respond completely differently than your first child.

I think the best we can do is to try our best, which includes asking for help when we get stuck. Read books, go to trainings, learn as much as you can about other people’s experiences. Those things will definitely help. But also don’t be afraid to bounce things off of someone else. Things from your childhood usually get triggered when parenting, which can skew how you look at the situation. You may differ in parenting styles from your partner, which can cause much stress and problems in your marriage. Parenting is such an important job. We are creating the future leaders and followers and peacemakers and terrorists (hopefully not! That is probably what happenes when people don’t care about their kids). It is worth it to give it our best effort and do the best job we can.

Therapists can be great resources for advice about parenting. The huge percentage of my everyday work is dealing with parenting issues, of babies, kids, teenagers, even grown children may still need parenting. The parent’s job is never done! So the next time you get stuck in trying to decide how to handle that temper tantrum, or can’t get your kid to stay in bed, or your son is getting bullied at school, or your teenager is using drugs, or you have stepfamily issues, or your grown son won’t move out, please take the time and make the investment in the most important job you will ever have. Ask for help.

You can find my webpage at

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor

children, counseling, parenting, teenagers Hide