TAG | couples
When you are searching for someone to spend your life with don’t underestimate the importance of having common thoughts and beliefs about religion and spirituality. It may seem like not a big deal when you are dating, but when you have children, it WILL come up about what religion to bring them up in. It is important to have that figured out before you have kids.
here is a letter from a listener on this subject:
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and in the last few months I am having second thoughts about us being together. My family is very close and very religious and his is not. His mother lives 30 miles away and only sees our three children every 6 months or so, and bad mouths everything that has to do with religion. He will go to church with me every once in a while but not with any enthusiasm. I usually end up going by myself with the children and spending the day with my family without him. I am thinking that we are too different to be together and I am thinking about leaving him. No one knows what I am thinking not even him I am just not sure that there is any way to get around this big block in the road.
Wanting more religious unity
Dear Wanting,
Oftentimes when people first get together they underplay the importance of sharing religious beliefs, probably thinking the difference is no big deal, which it may not be at the time. Then couples have kids and all of a sudden it carries much more importance.
The other thing about religion/spirituality is that it is very personal and you can’t really make someone believe or not believe. It has to be their choice. He may feel like he needs to go with you to please you, but you can’t make him do it enthusiastically unless he really feels it.
I do think this is and can be a very big issue between couples, but it should have been a deal breaker 7 years ago, not after 3 kids. I think you need to have a serious conversation about this with your husband. You need to explain how you feel about it and your wish (I am assuming this) to share more of a religious experience with him. If it is more of you wanting him to join in with your family afterward, maybe that is a compromise. He doesn’t go to church, but comes with you to the family time afterward. I am not sure what his mother has to do with this and I suspect there is a lot more to the story than you are sharing and maybe with more information you may have a better case for leaving at this point. Because you have 3 kids I think you owe it to them to try everything you can to make this work. If you can’t have the kind of conversation you need to have with him, I would recommend getting some couples counseling to help you express yourself better to him and open up the lines of communication.
Good Luck
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
I recently answered an email question about a woman who felt very disrespected by her husband. We need to remember in marriage/couples that we need to continuously communicate with each other, or people start making assumptions that aren’t necessarily true. If you don’t keep your partner in the loop, you may not have a loop to keep!
Here is the letter and my answer below:
Dear Carol,
Tonight my husband came home late & didn’t let me know he was going out after work. I had supper ready as usual & got worried that something had happened to him after it got past our daughter’s bedtime. His student finished a defense, so it was a customary thing to go out, but I’m really hurt & can’t figure out why he wouldn’t call & let me know. !! He comes home starving every night & knows I always have dinner ready. How do I handle this? I am so mad. >:(
Angry at Husband
Dear Angry at Husband,
It sounds like your husband was VERY insensitive when he didn’t call to let you know he was going to be late. My first thought was that maybe he was feeling he had to look “manly” in front of his student and would have been embarrassed to have to check in or get permission from his wife. I could be completely off base, he could have just been a jerk, but I think it is worth finding out if there was any kind of explanation for it (good or bad).
I really think you need to share with him how his not communicating with you really hurt and impacted you. You are supposed to be working as a team and when one member of that team does something without telling the other members, it affects everyone involved. Like when you throw a rock into the pond, the ripples touch the whole pond, not just the spot where you threw it.
Really, it is also a matter of common courtesy. You made dinner, put in effort and then had anxiety all night. Not very polite on any account. So it is time for another sit down and make him talk session. It is time to get some junk on the table. Remember, do it when he isn’t distracted with the game on the tv or too tired and ready for bed, but don’t wait forever, either. Sometimes you have to create your opportunities.
If he doesn’t have a good explanation or isn’t open to hearing your feelings on this matter, I think it is time for some couples counseling to help you both communicate better.
Good luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.AskTheInternetTherapist.com
Once you have been in a relationship for awhile, it is really easy to forget that we need to continue to actually put effort and WORK on the relationship. We do so much work at the beginning, getting things established, that we forget we need to continue the work to keep it going. Add in a kid or two, a full time job or two, a mortgage, housework, a yard to mow, and all of a sudden you become roommates who are just trying to get through the day.
How do you put the romance back into your relationship? How do you get reconnected? It takes some effort and some focus on your relationship from both parties. It may be awkward at first, especially if it has been a long time since you really connected emotionally. But everyone’s relationship needs some sparks. That is the fun part of being in a relationship. So lets bring back the fun! The more you play with your partner, the more connected you will be.
I wrote an email answer about this that i have posted below.
Hi Carol,
I feel I need suggestions to spice up our relationship. I give my husband affection and don’t get much response. I get a kiss in the morning and at bed and I love you. But I want more affection and sex. I feel we are in a rut and I don’t want to say I’m giving up but I don’t know what else to do. I try talking about it and we have even gone on a vacation. I feel we don’t even know what to talk about when we are alone. I have read you don’t always want to talk about the kids when you are alone but I catch myself doing that for conversation.
Thanks,
Wishing for Romance
Dear Wishing,
It is so easy to get into these ruts with our spouses. It seems like life gets in the way of keeping that romantic part of our relationships alive. I do think it is a good sign, though, that he is still kissing you and saying that he loves you. It is better than nothing and gives me a clue that he is still interested in being together with you. My guess is that he doesn’t realize that he needs to do more, or doesn’t know how or what he should be doing to show you he loves you.
I give you credit for at least attempting to do something about this. Talking is definitely the first step. However, it can be very awkward when you aren’t used to talking about this sort of stuff. When you have been disconnected for so long, it is like having to get to know each other all over again. That is why it is so hard to find things to talk about when you are alone. You don’t have life interrupting to take your focus off of each other and you are left with the feelings of being disconnected, even when you are sitting right next to each other. That is also why the vacation didn’t work, because even though it seemed like a good idea to go away together, you weren’t forced to confront your relationship. You had the traveling and sites to see and logistics get in the way of actually spending time connecting.
A heart to heart conversation is the place to start and it should be one without the distractions, where you can express how serious you are and how much you love him and want to reconnect with him. He may not realize how disconnected you have become and may need ideas on how to reconnect. He may need instructions on how to give you more affection. Try to talk more for other reasons than what we are having for dinner. When you feel yourself itching to talk about the kids or what needs to be done at home, catch yourself and try to focus only on him and on your relationship. Again, it will feel awkward because you are used to filling that blank space with other topics that ease the tension between you. But what you are really doing is letting the both of you off the hook from having to deal with that vulnerable space. If you allow yourself to sit in that uncomfortable place you might be surprised what you find. It will help you push through that wall that has developed between you and your husband.
Some other things to try is to pretend that you don’t know each other and need to get to know each other all over again. Try to forget that you know everything about his childhood and try to forget that his mother hates you (J) and try to relearn things about him and him about you. Try to remember what attracted you to him in the first place. Flirt with him. Call him at work just to say hi, leave him little notes to say “I love you”. Find ways to show him how much you appreciate him and all of his hard work. Start touching him more, not in a sexual way, but in a connecting way. Touch his arm when you talk to him, give him a hug when he comes home, brush up against him in a fun playful way. Finding ways to have fun together will increase your sense of connection with him. If you do this after you have talked with him about wanting to reconnect, he will be much more likely to respond positively.
Find ways to express your commitment to him and your trust in him. The more you either verbalize or show your commitment to him, the more comfortable he will be and the more vulnerable you can both become. The more vulnerability between a couple in their relationship, the more connection and bonding will occur.
You can’t wait for him to take the initiative on these things. You have a lot of power in this relationship to make things different. Don’t underestimate the impact little changes can make. It can be the difference between a happily married couple and divorce. If you get stuck in any of the above or aren’t getting the results you think you should be getting, I would recommend some couples counseling to help you over the rough spots so that you can reconnect again. Marriage takes work, but its rewards are well worth it!
Good Luck and Happy Marriage to YOU!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
