TAG | couples counseling
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. It has been a pretty rocky 12 years with him cheating physically and me cheating emotionally. We have finally got everything on the table and are trying to make things work. I am still really angry about his affair (with several different people and once in MY bed!) and he says he can’t trust what I say because of my emotional connection to another guy. I want us to re-do our vows and he says he isn’t ready yet. He says how can he trust that I really mean my vows when I lied to him. He refuses to go to counseling, saying he has said his piece and there is nothing else to talk about.
Where do I go from here?
Dear Where do I go from here,
Sounds like you have been through some really rough patches in your marriage. I am impressed that you are even still together. For couples that have been through as much infidelity as you have, I really think it is important to do some counseling to help you heal the wounds that have been created. Rebuilding trust is an incredibly hard thing to do and even harder when you don’t have someone guiding that process.
Recovering from an affair in the relationship is like going through the grieving process. Essentially you are grieving the loss of what your relationship used to be. It can no longer be the same as it was originally. It has to grow and become something new in order for it to survive. And thus, you need to go through those grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and sadness before you get to accepting that a new relationship has to be born out of the old. Things will never be what they were before, but maybe, with time and help, it can be even better. Obviously there were things that weren’t working before, so with the new relationship, hopefully those things have gotten better.
So don’t give up on trying to get him to get some counseling. Don’t forget that there are less scary options like phone or internet counseling available so he doesn’t even have to leave the house. If you just can’t get him to budge, I think you really should get some for yourself. Put it into the budget, even once a month, so that you have some support as you go through this rocky time.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
There never seems to be a shortage of marriages having troubles these days. Hopefully we can work to change that! Maybe by sharing our stories and possible solutions we can make positive changes in our own relationships and keep them from falling apart.
Here is a listener question from my work on the radio.
Dear Carol,
I am 38 year old man who has been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys and a very busy lifestyle running them to practices and school, etc. Our marriage has had small struggles over the last several years and I know we have gotten too busy with the boys and have stopped paying attention to the marriage. Now when I try to talk to my wife all I get is the shove-off or “I’m tired right now, can it wait?”
Anyway, I noticed her taking some phone calls that she would go outside to talk and when I asked her about it and who it was, she seemed nervous. So I looked at her phone and found out it is a dad of one of the kids who plays ball with our son and they have been talking 30-45 minutes at a time almost every day! I confronted her about it and she denied anything going on, but when I caught her again, I confronted her again and she finally said they had been talking for a while, but nothing had happened. She says she wants to work on the relationship, but I am having such a hard time trusting her! What do I do?
Marriage falling apart fast!
Dear Marriage Falling apart Fast,
I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about not giving the relationship enough attention. It is a difficult thing to do, especially with 3 busy boys, plus work and all of the other requirements of life, but it really is absolutely essential if you want to stay married. It is always easier to get those needs for attention and those feelings of being wanted and needed from someone else than it is to work through all of the little things that irritate you about your spouse.
I think it is time for a major sit down with your wife. If you are serious about staying together it is time for some drastic changes. I think that starts with some couples counseling. Next I would recommend that you each start doing small things for the other person. Try to remember back to when you first got together and what you did to romance her. That is the stuff you need to rekindle. I know it is difficult to do when you are having trouble trusting her, but my guess is, if she can get those needs met at home, she won’t need to talk to that guy and she will refocus her attention back on you and at home. I do think you need the counselor though to help sort through things and help you find ways to reconnect. Working on your marriage needs to take #1 priority in both of your lives if you want it to work out.
Don’t forget, you are the role model relationship for your boys. How you work things out or don’t work things out with your wife will impact their relationships in the future, so try to take the high road. If either of you aren’t willing to do the work that is needed to save the relationship, please try not to be angry and vindictive at your wife. Try to work through those feelings so your boys don’t see it. Again, counseling could come in really handy here.
Good Luck, I hope things get better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs. We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc… I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management. This all happened in front of my 4 yr old! He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better. He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class. My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again? I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help. He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff. I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice. My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite. He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!) He’s not the “typical” abuser. I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again. Please I need some advice. Thanks
The wife
Dear Wife,
I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.
Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Couples counseling can be so beneficial to so many people. The problem is that people often wait to long before asking for help. Often by the time they start thinking about couples counseling, they are often headed for divorce. I think that if people would take advantage of the wonderful services of couples counseling BEFORE they hurt and wound eachother beyond recognition, there would be a lot less divorce.
Men and women really do think and act differently and so many times it is tough to understand why your partner does the things they do. Couples counseling can help you both understand what motivates the other to say and do the things they do. It can also help you both learn to communicate so that the other hears you better and more clearly. So many issues and emotions get wrapped up in a couples’ communication pattern that it is really easy to get stuck and really difficult to get unstuck. Without help, people end up in ruts where they get so frustrated they want to pull out their hair. That is when they start thinking “Why am I doing this?” and that is the first step toward divorce.
So take the time, make the investment in your relationship. Couples counseling is way cheaper than a divorce or alimony or child support and much less truamatic to all involved.
You can even do couples counseling online! It works great on the phone or in the chat room, or even with video (web cam)!
I wrote an email response for ABC’s radio website Todays Best hits about a wife talking with her husband about how she felt about his behavior toward her.
You can check it out at http://www.todaysbesthits.com/thetherapistisin.asp
My webpage is http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
