TAG | domestic violence
Dear Carol,
I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs. We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc… I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management. This all happened in front of my 4 yr old! He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better. He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class. My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again? I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help. He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff. I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice. My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite. He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!) He’s not the “typical” abuser. I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again. Please I need some advice. Thanks
The wife
Dear Wife,
I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.
Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Domestic Violence happens so much more than we realize. It really needs to be taken seriously and we ALL need to realize the NONE of US DESERVE it, no matter what has happened in our lives. We also need to recognize that both men and women are prepetrators of domestic violence. Your typical scenario is the man hitting the woman, but it definitely happens the other way around as well, and that doesn’t make the abused man any less “manly” to admit that it is happening. Domestic violence can also take the form of the person being violent with stuff, breaking things, throwing things, etc. They may think it is ok because they aren’t actually hitting the other person, but there is still the message of power and fear and control being conveyed.
Here is a letter I answered this week about domestic violence.
Dear Carol,
I’ve been with the same man for 6 and 1/2 years; we have been married for a year and half of that time. Since we’ve been married we have split up five times, as for now we are separated again. When my husband gets mad he breaks anything and everything he can get his hands on. Just this weekend he got mad came to my house and punched my window out of my door and also punch my mail box and broke it. I’m not afraid of him, but I know this is not a healthy marriage. I don’t know what to do go ahead and file for a divorce or keep trying to work things out. In our last fight he promised me he wouldn’t break anymore of my things, but this weekend was proof he lied. I love him for all of the things we’ve been through but I hate that we keep separating and I know things have to change. Please help me.
Unsure of my next move
Dear Unsure,
When we hear about stories about other people in violent situations it seems easy to just say “why don’t you just leave?” but when it is us in the middle of it and there are mixed up feelings of love and loyalty and fear, it gets a whole lot more complicated.
I think you are in a very serious situation here that could end up with you getting hurt, if not killed. I think you are smart to be separated from him for now and I would recommend you not let him come over. You have to be the one to make the decision on whether to divorce or give it one more try, but I would recommend a few things to consider when you make that decision.
First, I want you to make a list/description of the kind of guy you want to be with for the next 50 years. Try not to think about your husband, just think of “the perfect man”. Then I want you to think of how life would be if you stayed with this man and he didn’t change at all over the next 50 years. What would you be like by then? What would he be like? What kind of father would he be? Is that the kind of father you want for your kids? Is that the kind of husband you want for you?
If you decide you need to give this relationship one last shot you will need to set some hard and fast ground rules for him where the deal is if he doesn’t follow them to the T, you are done and file for divorce. The ground rules should include at minimum weekly individual therapy for him (not a bad idea for you as well); Absolutely no violence around you; there may be Anger Management classes in your area that would also be a good idea. The next time there is violence, you call the police, no excuses on your part. If you want to have any chance at a healthy relationship here, you have to be firm and draw your line of what is acceptable and what is not. He continues this pattern because he can, because you let him. There may be a part of you that thinks you deserve this or don’t deserve any better than this, but you are wrong and that is where I think the counseling for you is a good idea. That way the next guy isn’t the same song, second verse.
It is time for you to take a stand for yourself, for your safety, for your health, for your sanity. There is no reason for you to continue to live with this violence. That is unacceptable.
Good luck, you have some hard work to do!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
