TAG | grief
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. It has been a pretty rocky 12 years with him cheating physically and me cheating emotionally. We have finally got everything on the table and are trying to make things work. I am still really angry about his affair (with several different people and once in MY bed!) and he says he can’t trust what I say because of my emotional connection to another guy. I want us to re-do our vows and he says he isn’t ready yet. He says how can he trust that I really mean my vows when I lied to him. He refuses to go to counseling, saying he has said his piece and there is nothing else to talk about.
Where do I go from here?
Dear Where do I go from here,
Sounds like you have been through some really rough patches in your marriage. I am impressed that you are even still together. For couples that have been through as much infidelity as you have, I really think it is important to do some counseling to help you heal the wounds that have been created. Rebuilding trust is an incredibly hard thing to do and even harder when you don’t have someone guiding that process.
Recovering from an affair in the relationship is like going through the grieving process. Essentially you are grieving the loss of what your relationship used to be. It can no longer be the same as it was originally. It has to grow and become something new in order for it to survive. And thus, you need to go through those grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and sadness before you get to accepting that a new relationship has to be born out of the old. Things will never be what they were before, but maybe, with time and help, it can be even better. Obviously there were things that weren’t working before, so with the new relationship, hopefully those things have gotten better.
So don’t give up on trying to get him to get some counseling. Don’t forget that there are less scary options like phone or internet counseling available so he doesn’t even have to leave the house. If you just can’t get him to budge, I think you really should get some for yourself. Put it into the budget, even once a month, so that you have some support as you go through this rocky time.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
With Memorial Day here and remembering those who have fought for us, it seemed like a good time to talk about grief. Whenever we lose someone close to us, whether it is through death or separation or even the breakup of a relationship we need to remember that it takes time and that it is ok to grieve. We need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we feel and to go through the stages of grief at whatever pace we go through it. There is no set time frame for how long grief should last. For some it takes only a short while, for others the process is much longer. Only when you have completed a stage are you ready to move on to the next one. The stages are a natural process and one can’t judge another about how fast or slow they go through the process. The thing to watch for though, is if you get stuck in one of the stages. If it seems like you just can’t get past that particular point, it may be the perfect time to get some short term counseling to help you move to the next stage.
Here are the stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”
1.Denial- This is when we don’t want to admit that we have lost someone. We keep going as if nothing has changed. Not crying, feeling numb.
2. Anger- Feelings of wanting to fight back, yell and scream, get even. Blaming the deceased or ex-spouse is part of this stage. “Why is this happening to ME?” Or “it is so unfair!”
3. Bargaining-trying to make deals with God or your ex to put things back the way they were. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. Sometimes this stage happens before the person is gone.
4. Depression- otherwise known as Sadness, overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. This is the time, especially if you are feeling suicidal, to get help.
5. Acceptance- where you accept the reality of the loss and are able to move on with your life. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of the loss and being able to grow and move forward again.
Grief is difficult, whatever the situation. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Therapy doesn’t have to be a long time commitment. It can be a few sessions just to get you over that hump. Be gentle with yourself through this process. It is hard and painful and human to feel the loss so deeply.
Happy Memorial Day!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
