Dear Carol,

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. It has been a pretty rocky 12 years with him cheating physically and me cheating emotionally. We have finally got everything on the table and are trying to make things work. I am still really angry about his affair (with several different people and once in MY bed!) and he says he can’t trust what I say because of my emotional connection to another guy. I want us to re-do our vows and he says he isn’t ready yet. He says how can he trust that I really mean my vows when I lied to him. He refuses to go to counseling, saying he has said his piece and there is nothing else to talk about.

Where do I go from here?

Dear Where do I go from here,

Sounds like you have been through some really rough patches in your marriage. I am impressed that you are even still together. For couples that have been through as much infidelity as you have, I really think it is important to do some counseling to help you heal the wounds that have been created. Rebuilding trust is an incredibly hard thing to do and even harder when you don’t have someone guiding that process.

Recovering from an affair in the relationship is like going through the grieving process. Essentially you are grieving the loss of what your relationship used to be. It can no longer be the same as it was originally. It has to grow and become something new in order for it to survive. And thus, you need to go through those grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining,  and sadness before you get to accepting that a new relationship has to be born out of the old. Things will never be what they were before, but maybe, with time and help, it can be even better. Obviously there were things that weren’t working before, so with the new relationship, hopefully those things have gotten better.

So don’t give up on trying to get him to get some counseling. Don’t forget that there are less scary options like phone or internet counseling available so he doesn’t even have to leave the house. If  you just can’t get him to budge, I think you really should get some for yourself. Put it into the budget, even once a month, so that you have some support as you go through this rocky time.

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

affair, counseling, couples counseling, grief, honesty, marriage, relationships, stages of grief, trust, vows Hide