TAG | kids
Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.
The following is a letter from a radio listener:
Good Morning Carol.
I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?
Struggling with being single again!
Dear Struggling,
It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.
I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.
I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.
You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.
It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
When you are searching for someone to spend your life with don’t underestimate the importance of having common thoughts and beliefs about religion and spirituality. It may seem like not a big deal when you are dating, but when you have children, it WILL come up about what religion to bring them up in. It is important to have that figured out before you have kids.
here is a letter from a listener on this subject:
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and in the last few months I am having second thoughts about us being together. My family is very close and very religious and his is not. His mother lives 30 miles away and only sees our three children every 6 months or so, and bad mouths everything that has to do with religion. He will go to church with me every once in a while but not with any enthusiasm. I usually end up going by myself with the children and spending the day with my family without him. I am thinking that we are too different to be together and I am thinking about leaving him. No one knows what I am thinking not even him I am just not sure that there is any way to get around this big block in the road.
Wanting more religious unity
Dear Wanting,
Oftentimes when people first get together they underplay the importance of sharing religious beliefs, probably thinking the difference is no big deal, which it may not be at the time. Then couples have kids and all of a sudden it carries much more importance.
The other thing about religion/spirituality is that it is very personal and you can’t really make someone believe or not believe. It has to be their choice. He may feel like he needs to go with you to please you, but you can’t make him do it enthusiastically unless he really feels it.
I do think this is and can be a very big issue between couples, but it should have been a deal breaker 7 years ago, not after 3 kids. I think you need to have a serious conversation about this with your husband. You need to explain how you feel about it and your wish (I am assuming this) to share more of a religious experience with him. If it is more of you wanting him to join in with your family afterward, maybe that is a compromise. He doesn’t go to church, but comes with you to the family time afterward. I am not sure what his mother has to do with this and I suspect there is a lot more to the story than you are sharing and maybe with more information you may have a better case for leaving at this point. Because you have 3 kids I think you owe it to them to try everything you can to make this work. If you can’t have the kind of conversation you need to have with him, I would recommend getting some couples counseling to help you express yourself better to him and open up the lines of communication.
Good Luck
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
