TAG | marriage
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. It has been a pretty rocky 12 years with him cheating physically and me cheating emotionally. We have finally got everything on the table and are trying to make things work. I am still really angry about his affair (with several different people and once in MY bed!) and he says he can’t trust what I say because of my emotional connection to another guy. I want us to re-do our vows and he says he isn’t ready yet. He says how can he trust that I really mean my vows when I lied to him. He refuses to go to counseling, saying he has said his piece and there is nothing else to talk about.
Where do I go from here?
Dear Where do I go from here,
Sounds like you have been through some really rough patches in your marriage. I am impressed that you are even still together. For couples that have been through as much infidelity as you have, I really think it is important to do some counseling to help you heal the wounds that have been created. Rebuilding trust is an incredibly hard thing to do and even harder when you don’t have someone guiding that process.
Recovering from an affair in the relationship is like going through the grieving process. Essentially you are grieving the loss of what your relationship used to be. It can no longer be the same as it was originally. It has to grow and become something new in order for it to survive. And thus, you need to go through those grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and sadness before you get to accepting that a new relationship has to be born out of the old. Things will never be what they were before, but maybe, with time and help, it can be even better. Obviously there were things that weren’t working before, so with the new relationship, hopefully those things have gotten better.
So don’t give up on trying to get him to get some counseling. Don’t forget that there are less scary options like phone or internet counseling available so he doesn’t even have to leave the house. If you just can’t get him to budge, I think you really should get some for yourself. Put it into the budget, even once a month, so that you have some support as you go through this rocky time.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
There never seems to be a shortage of marriages having troubles these days. Hopefully we can work to change that! Maybe by sharing our stories and possible solutions we can make positive changes in our own relationships and keep them from falling apart.
Here is a listener question from my work on the radio.
Dear Carol,
I am 38 year old man who has been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys and a very busy lifestyle running them to practices and school, etc. Our marriage has had small struggles over the last several years and I know we have gotten too busy with the boys and have stopped paying attention to the marriage. Now when I try to talk to my wife all I get is the shove-off or “I’m tired right now, can it wait?”
Anyway, I noticed her taking some phone calls that she would go outside to talk and when I asked her about it and who it was, she seemed nervous. So I looked at her phone and found out it is a dad of one of the kids who plays ball with our son and they have been talking 30-45 minutes at a time almost every day! I confronted her about it and she denied anything going on, but when I caught her again, I confronted her again and she finally said they had been talking for a while, but nothing had happened. She says she wants to work on the relationship, but I am having such a hard time trusting her! What do I do?
Marriage falling apart fast!
Dear Marriage Falling apart Fast,
I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about not giving the relationship enough attention. It is a difficult thing to do, especially with 3 busy boys, plus work and all of the other requirements of life, but it really is absolutely essential if you want to stay married. It is always easier to get those needs for attention and those feelings of being wanted and needed from someone else than it is to work through all of the little things that irritate you about your spouse.
I think it is time for a major sit down with your wife. If you are serious about staying together it is time for some drastic changes. I think that starts with some couples counseling. Next I would recommend that you each start doing small things for the other person. Try to remember back to when you first got together and what you did to romance her. That is the stuff you need to rekindle. I know it is difficult to do when you are having trouble trusting her, but my guess is, if she can get those needs met at home, she won’t need to talk to that guy and she will refocus her attention back on you and at home. I do think you need the counselor though to help sort through things and help you find ways to reconnect. Working on your marriage needs to take #1 priority in both of your lives if you want it to work out.
Don’t forget, you are the role model relationship for your boys. How you work things out or don’t work things out with your wife will impact their relationships in the future, so try to take the high road. If either of you aren’t willing to do the work that is needed to save the relationship, please try not to be angry and vindictive at your wife. Try to work through those feelings so your boys don’t see it. Again, counseling could come in really handy here.
Good Luck, I hope things get better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have two boys, ages 7 and 5, both with differing levels of Autism. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars and had countless problems dealing with their situation, but seem to be pulling out of the worst of it. My older son is mainstreamed and doing well (considering). We believe 100% that the boys’ conditions are a result of vaccine injury. I want to have another baby, as I think we could have a “normal” child, but my husband is against it. What do you think?
Wanting One More
Dear Wanting,
Having one child with Autism is incredibly difficult, I admire your strength to not only deal with two, but want another baby as well!
Even with the complications of the Autistic boys, the answer to the baby question is the same regardless. When making plans to bring a baby into the world, the decision needs to be unanimous. If one party says no, then the answer is no. If you go ahead and get pregnant without having your husband on board, there will always be an underlying resentment (probably toward you, not the baby, but possibly the baby as well) and your actions will eat away at the trust between you and your husband.
You also need to consider how you would feel if there was something wrong with the third child, whether it is Autism or something else. Would you resent your decision? You also need to think about if you have the personal resources (financially, energetically, and emotionally) to take on another child. Babies take a lot of work and energy and you are already expending a lot of energy with the boys you have. I know these are hard questions, but ones you need to think about before making such a big decision
The main point is the welfare of the child. When one parent doesn’t want the baby that message gets conveyed to the child, whether verbally or nonverbally. That kind of message can be very damaging to a child’s sense of self and importance.
But, if you can get your husband on board and think you can handle the above questions, then by all means, go for it!
Good luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I am in a relationship with the most wonderful guy in the world. I moved almost 1400 miles away from my family and friends to be with him. He has 2 children and I have one. He is a wonderful dad. He is one of my closest friends. I love him more than I ever thought was possible. Here’s is my problem. I have gained about 40-50 pounds since moving out here to be with him. We have been together for about 4 years now. I am ready for more of a commitment. We get into discussions about marriage and he just doesn’t understand why I feel we need to do that. I finally got him to admit that I had put on a few pounds and he is worried about my health and doesn’t want to marry me because I could get either bigger afterwards or my health could start to fade. So as a woman all I heard was you are too fat to marry, but good enough to live with and raise my kids and take care of my house. I don’t want to leave him but what to I do? Thanks!
Feeling Fat and Confused
Dear Feeling Fat,
It sounds like there are a couple of issues here. The first is why you would move yourself and your child 1400 miles WITHOUT the commitment of marriage in the first place. Did you think you weren’t good enough for him to marry you back then?
The second is your denial about his behavior. You spoke so highly of him in the beginning of your letter that it sounds like you don’t want to admit he could do something so cruel and heartless, which is exactly what he did: Something CRUEL and HEARTLESS to the woman he is supposed to love. OF COURSE you heard that you are too fat to marry, but not too fat to do everything else for him, that is they way women are programmed in this society. We are programmed to be so self conscious about how we look that it overrides normal, rational thought. If he really is such a good guy, then my guess is there is something else going on here. It sounds like fear of commitment, the reason for which you will have to do some digging. My guess is that it was easier to him to put the blame on you (since you were so ready to take that blame) than it was for him to admit that he was afraid of something. It could be he got burned the first time around with his kids’ mom and doesn’t want to do that again. Or, it could just be that he is a shallow jerk that is more concerned about appearances than about who you are as a person. Whatever his reasons, he wasn’t being such a great guy when he let you take the blame.
It is time for some confrontation with him about what is really going on and if he truly won’t marry you because of your weight or if there is something else. It is also time for you to gain some self-esteem. You have to believe that you ARE worth marrying before anyone will want to marry you. You need to do some soul searching and find that awesome, beautiful woman inside you. It may help you to talk with a counselor to figure out what gets in your way of feeling good about yourself.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs. We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc… I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management. This all happened in front of my 4 yr old! He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better. He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class. My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again? I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help. He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff. I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice. My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite. He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!) He’s not the “typical” abuser. I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again. Please I need some advice. Thanks
The wife
Dear Wife,
I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.
Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
My husband of 7 years has a history of not being able to keep a job. In the beginning it didn’t bother me because it was just us, but we have a 3 year old daughter and it still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t act like it even phases him. Most of the time he gets Fired, but, and I quote, “it’s Never His Fault” there is always an excuse as to why he got fired, but the blame is never his. I confronted him about it almost 2 years ago. He walked out. He actually got upset with me and walked out on me and our daughter. He was gone for about a week, I let him come back home and he did it again. He walked out on us again and was gone for about a month. I filed for divorce. In the end I stopped the divorce and let him come home and things have been bad ever since. He still can’t keep a job. He has been out of work on Workman’s Comp for 6 months due to an injury. When he was released he didn’t have a job to go back to because he didn’t read the paper work. I am working 2 jobs and 50-70 hour weeks trying to make ends meet. My house looked like a pig sty until a few weeks ago when I cam home from a 12 hour shift and had had it. I screamed and yelled and threw a fit. I didn’t talk to him the rest of the night and left for work in the morning, still without saying a word to him. He finally got the hint that I was upset and got the house clean and has kept it clean. I was all ready to divorce him, but the kicker is I do love him, just not his habits and I am scared as Heck to be a single mom, and financially I would be out of luck because why would I think he would keep a job and pay child support if he doesn’t even contribute now. I am lost in marriage and don’t know where to turn. I love him and I am just fed up with the things he pulls. Please help me.
Lost in Marriage
Dear Lost in Marriage,
My question for you is Why do you love him when he treats you this way? My next question is Why do you let him back time and again when you know he hasn’t and isn’t going to change? You working 50-70 hour weeks only enables him to remain jobless and not take any responsibility. He has a good thing going. He gets to stay home, be a bum and you will take care of him. Can I move in to your house? I need someone to take care of me too!
The things that you say are standing in your way of doing what you know you need to do are as bad of excuses as he has for not keeping a job. You ARE already financially supporting yourself and your daughter, and him as well! I am sure you have some kind of support network to help you be a single mom and if you don’t, start creating one. Look for playgroups, start going to church, look online for other single moms in your area. If you put yourself out there, you will find all kinds of people in the same situation as yourself. Start building your support network so you will have someone to lean on when the time comes that you need it.
Somewhere in the back of your mind is the faulty assumption that you somehow deserve him and that having anyone is better than having no one. This is NOT TRUE! You will be Much better off being on your own than supporting this guy for the rest of your life, and that is what it will be, the rest of your life. He has had multiple opportunities to make changes and hasn’t. He isn’t going to until you make some changes where you put you and your daughter first.
You made a mistake in marrying this guy. It is time to fix that and find some self-esteem and give yourself credit for what you have already accomplished.
Getting some individual counseling might help you find the strength you need to pull your self out of this.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counseling
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
I recently answered an email question about a woman who felt very disrespected by her husband. We need to remember in marriage/couples that we need to continuously communicate with each other, or people start making assumptions that aren’t necessarily true. If you don’t keep your partner in the loop, you may not have a loop to keep!
Here is the letter and my answer below:
Dear Carol,
Tonight my husband came home late & didn’t let me know he was going out after work. I had supper ready as usual & got worried that something had happened to him after it got past our daughter’s bedtime. His student finished a defense, so it was a customary thing to go out, but I’m really hurt & can’t figure out why he wouldn’t call & let me know. !! He comes home starving every night & knows I always have dinner ready. How do I handle this? I am so mad. >:(
Angry at Husband
Dear Angry at Husband,
It sounds like your husband was VERY insensitive when he didn’t call to let you know he was going to be late. My first thought was that maybe he was feeling he had to look “manly” in front of his student and would have been embarrassed to have to check in or get permission from his wife. I could be completely off base, he could have just been a jerk, but I think it is worth finding out if there was any kind of explanation for it (good or bad).
I really think you need to share with him how his not communicating with you really hurt and impacted you. You are supposed to be working as a team and when one member of that team does something without telling the other members, it affects everyone involved. Like when you throw a rock into the pond, the ripples touch the whole pond, not just the spot where you threw it.
Really, it is also a matter of common courtesy. You made dinner, put in effort and then had anxiety all night. Not very polite on any account. So it is time for another sit down and make him talk session. It is time to get some junk on the table. Remember, do it when he isn’t distracted with the game on the tv or too tired and ready for bed, but don’t wait forever, either. Sometimes you have to create your opportunities.
If he doesn’t have a good explanation or isn’t open to hearing your feelings on this matter, I think it is time for some couples counseling to help you both communicate better.
Good luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.AskTheInternetTherapist.com
Once you have been in a relationship for awhile, it is really easy to forget that we need to continue to actually put effort and WORK on the relationship. We do so much work at the beginning, getting things established, that we forget we need to continue the work to keep it going. Add in a kid or two, a full time job or two, a mortgage, housework, a yard to mow, and all of a sudden you become roommates who are just trying to get through the day.
How do you put the romance back into your relationship? How do you get reconnected? It takes some effort and some focus on your relationship from both parties. It may be awkward at first, especially if it has been a long time since you really connected emotionally. But everyone’s relationship needs some sparks. That is the fun part of being in a relationship. So lets bring back the fun! The more you play with your partner, the more connected you will be.
I wrote an email answer about this that i have posted below.
Hi Carol,
I feel I need suggestions to spice up our relationship. I give my husband affection and don’t get much response. I get a kiss in the morning and at bed and I love you. But I want more affection and sex. I feel we are in a rut and I don’t want to say I’m giving up but I don’t know what else to do. I try talking about it and we have even gone on a vacation. I feel we don’t even know what to talk about when we are alone. I have read you don’t always want to talk about the kids when you are alone but I catch myself doing that for conversation.
Thanks,
Wishing for Romance
Dear Wishing,
It is so easy to get into these ruts with our spouses. It seems like life gets in the way of keeping that romantic part of our relationships alive. I do think it is a good sign, though, that he is still kissing you and saying that he loves you. It is better than nothing and gives me a clue that he is still interested in being together with you. My guess is that he doesn’t realize that he needs to do more, or doesn’t know how or what he should be doing to show you he loves you.
I give you credit for at least attempting to do something about this. Talking is definitely the first step. However, it can be very awkward when you aren’t used to talking about this sort of stuff. When you have been disconnected for so long, it is like having to get to know each other all over again. That is why it is so hard to find things to talk about when you are alone. You don’t have life interrupting to take your focus off of each other and you are left with the feelings of being disconnected, even when you are sitting right next to each other. That is also why the vacation didn’t work, because even though it seemed like a good idea to go away together, you weren’t forced to confront your relationship. You had the traveling and sites to see and logistics get in the way of actually spending time connecting.
A heart to heart conversation is the place to start and it should be one without the distractions, where you can express how serious you are and how much you love him and want to reconnect with him. He may not realize how disconnected you have become and may need ideas on how to reconnect. He may need instructions on how to give you more affection. Try to talk more for other reasons than what we are having for dinner. When you feel yourself itching to talk about the kids or what needs to be done at home, catch yourself and try to focus only on him and on your relationship. Again, it will feel awkward because you are used to filling that blank space with other topics that ease the tension between you. But what you are really doing is letting the both of you off the hook from having to deal with that vulnerable space. If you allow yourself to sit in that uncomfortable place you might be surprised what you find. It will help you push through that wall that has developed between you and your husband.
Some other things to try is to pretend that you don’t know each other and need to get to know each other all over again. Try to forget that you know everything about his childhood and try to forget that his mother hates you (J) and try to relearn things about him and him about you. Try to remember what attracted you to him in the first place. Flirt with him. Call him at work just to say hi, leave him little notes to say “I love you”. Find ways to show him how much you appreciate him and all of his hard work. Start touching him more, not in a sexual way, but in a connecting way. Touch his arm when you talk to him, give him a hug when he comes home, brush up against him in a fun playful way. Finding ways to have fun together will increase your sense of connection with him. If you do this after you have talked with him about wanting to reconnect, he will be much more likely to respond positively.
Find ways to express your commitment to him and your trust in him. The more you either verbalize or show your commitment to him, the more comfortable he will be and the more vulnerable you can both become. The more vulnerability between a couple in their relationship, the more connection and bonding will occur.
You can’t wait for him to take the initiative on these things. You have a lot of power in this relationship to make things different. Don’t underestimate the impact little changes can make. It can be the difference between a happily married couple and divorce. If you get stuck in any of the above or aren’t getting the results you think you should be getting, I would recommend some couples counseling to help you over the rough spots so that you can reconnect again. Marriage takes work, but its rewards are well worth it!
Good Luck and Happy Marriage to YOU!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
