Dear Carol,

I am the mother of two young children, 3 and 1 and have been married for 10 years.  I work part time and am home with the kids the rest of the week. I have been feeling extremely depressed for the last few months. I have put on about 50 pounds in the last few years with having kids. My marriage is ok, my husband is a great support (most of the time) and my work is stressful at times, but I like it and excel at it. I know I don’t eat well and am usually up a minimum of once per night with one or the other child. Some days I struggle with basic self-care tasks like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I am tired of feeling this way and it scares me to see my depression affecting my kids. I was crying today when I was home with them and my 3 year old said, while rubbing my head, that she was sorry and it would be ok. So I know it affects them and that kills me. What do I do?

Depressed in Arizona

Dear Depressed in Arizona,

Trying to maintain a job, a household, a marriage, AND raise two young kids is a HUGE job for anyone. Believe me, I know! I am in the same situation! It can be VERY overwhelming trying to juggle all of those things and take care of yourself too. It sounds to me like you are definitely depressed and need to do something about that right now.

You definitely have some strengths going for you. A good, helping, supportive husband is a huge benefit for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on his shoulder from time to time. Let him know how you are feeling and that you need him to help you. Whether it is more help around the house, taking the kids out of the house for a few hours so you can have some “me” time, or just holding you while you cry. Try to use the resources you already have available. He could even help encourage you to maintain your basic self-care tasks like showering and brushing your teeth.

Tomorrow, I want you to call your family doctor and talk about getting on an antidepressant. Then I want you to make an appointment to talk with a therapist. It can be me, or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It will take some effort to make these calls, but I think you understand how important it is to do this right away. You need to be able to talk to a professional about what is going on here, before you get to the point that you give up or hurt the kids. I know you don’t want to think about that, but it sounds like you are headed in that direction and could get there pretty quickly.

Next, it is time to teach the kids to sleep through the night. I know, I know, easier said than done. Believe me, I know! Sleep deprivation can take down even the most stable of people. This is something you need to do for your own good, as well as for the children. They will be better off if they get a good night’s sleep too.   Telling your 3 year old when they go to bed that you expect them to stay in their bed all night and that they are safe and that you will see them in the morning when it is time to get up. I usually tell my daughter what we are planning to do for the next day and that she has to go to sleep and stay in bed all night in order to do that thing. It also gives her time to adjust to the idea so there are less fights in the morning. I call this “front loading”, meaning giving her the information ahead of time so she can feel some control over it and doesn’t feel tricked into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Three year olds like to feel like they have some power in their lives and finding ways for them to have an appropriate amount is very useful.

If the baby is still waking up you need to figure out if you have taught her to not sleep through the night, or if she was sleeping through the night and isn’t anymore, what has changed. Is she/he teething or have an ear infection? Are they congested and can’t breathe? If it isn’t her teeth or ears, then you need to find a method that fits for you (there are several out there) and stick to it. Studies have shown that the method doesn’t really matter as long as you pick one and stick to it consistently. Get your husband to help you and make it a priority. It is time for you to get some sleep!

Once you get these few things into place you can start looking at making your lifestyle healthier. Adding some exercise and eating better will help you feel better and give you more energy to do all that you need to do.

Lastly, you need to give yourself credit for doing everything you are doing. You are raising loving kids (as evidenced by their empathy), holding together a 10 year marriage to a great guy, and excelling at your job!  You deserve an award just for that! Try to remember that we weren’t made to be “Superwoman”, even though we try to live up to that. You have to give yourself some kudos for doing the best you can and being ok with that.  It is time to put away the perfectionistic ideas and start taking care of you. I know, no small order. If you want to work more with me, I am more than willing to do chat, email or phone sessions with you through my website www.asktheinternettherapist.com.

Good Luck and let me know if I can help you more.

Hang in there!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

depression, mom, motherhood, parenting, self care, sleep Hide