TAG | parenting
When talking with parents over the years, one word seems to always come into the discussion. “CONSISTENCY” Why is this so important when dealing with children, of all ages? Our children depend on us as parents to establish the routine, even if the stubborn adolescent complains about all the “rules”. I believe that consistent parenting with follow-through gives our children a safety net that catches them when they stumble. If we can outline clear expectations and our children understand the consequences, good or bad, they are able to learn safe and effective boundaries. Without such boundaries, they could feel lost and distrustful. So, I encourage all parents to be consistent because it pays off in a well-adjusted, self-confident child.
As a therapist I get a lot of questions about ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) both in kids and in adults. It has become very commonly diagnosed over the last ten years and parents seems to be perplexed about what to do with it. I had a question from come in i wanted to share here:
Dear Carol,
My 8 year old son is having difficulty at school paying attention, not turning in assignments, losing assignments, and the teacher says he is very disruptive in class. He also has problems getting along with other kids because he is very impulsive. I have been diagnosed with ADD and wonder if my son has it too. Do you think 8 is too young to be diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or too young to try medication?
Concerned parent of possible ADHD child
Dear Concerned parent of possible ADHD child,
From your description and with your family history, it is very likely that your son does indeed have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and possibly ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The difference between the two is one is hyper, constant movement, out of his chair, can’t sit still, and the other is only the difficulty paying attention without the hyperactivity.
There are many different treatments available for ADD/ADHD and given the level of problems your son is having it sounds like a good time to start looking into what options you have for treatment. One option is to try medication like Ritalin or Adderall and if you decide to got that route, I would recommend you see a psychiatrist to get the medications though, at least initially, just to make sure it is not something else going on and to get the kind of medication that is right for your child.
The great thing about ADHD medication is that you will know relatively quickly if it is helping or not. These medications typically go through your system quickly. If the child becomes MORE hyper, then it is not the medication for them and they probably don’t have ADHD. If your child calms down or is better able to focus to get their work done, then the meds can be helpful. I do want to say that not every kid is the same and you may need to try different medications to see if one works better than another, so don’t be discouraged if your doctor wants to try different things.
Another option that is more homeopathic is a product known as ADD-Care(tm) SR. This supplement, like the stimulants, does not cure ADD. ADD-care SR may help contolr the symptoms that are consisten with those found with ADD/ADHD adn therefore the supplement must be taken on a daily basis to continue to be effective. ADD-Care(tm) SR doesn’t seem to have the side effects the stimulant medication has and it can be used in the later part of the day without disturbing sleep. You can find it and more info about it at www.ADD-care.com as well as through the home page at www.asktheinternettherapist.com.
Another option I have seen parents use that has had some benefits is by changing the diets of those with the symptoms of ADD/ADHD. You will want to do some additional research about which diet to use, but typically they are ones that take out simple carbohydrates like sugar or ones that take out gluten seem to have some positive results with these symptoms.
I do want to note that medication and supplements are not the only treatment for ADD and ADHD. There needs to be a behavioral component to the treatment where the child learns how to control his impulses, learns organizational skills, social skills, etc. The medication or supplements can help slow him down enough for him to be able to learn these new skills. Without the additional training, the medication probably won’t be enough. Sometimes, once the kids have learned these new skills it is possible to have them on a much lower dose of medication or even no medication at all.
I know some parents are very hesitant to put their child on medications, and with good reason. It is important to research all of your options before making any decisions.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I recently found out that my boyfriend of four years has a baby with someone else. We split up for about a year and he hooked up with some other girl. I’ve accepted it and moved on. But recently he has been treating me like crap. I’ve moved all over to different states with him because of his job, and am having trouble finding a job due to the fact that I’ve only stayed at a job for at least four months tops in the past two years. It’s really taking affect on me financially. He acts like it’s all my fault that I’m having trouble. (all of this has taken place in the past month). We fight all the time and I feel myself growing further away from him. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even like him to touch me. So you can only imagine what our sex life is like. He thinks that I think about things too much. I think I have a lot to think about. I just found out this month that he has a baby, I can’t find a job, I can’t pay bills because I don’t have a job, etc. I talk to my friends, they tell me that I’m too good to have to deal with all of what’s been going on. Even if I wanted to leave, I can’t financially go anywhere. I’m so lost, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Please help. . .
Feeling Desperate
Dear Feeling Desperate,
It is hard when you feel like you have invested significant amounts of your time, money and energy into something that feels like it is falling apart. You have some big decisions to make and it sounds like you probably will need to make them sooner, rather than later. The biggest thing I want you to remember, though, is that you ALWAYS have options. You are not stuck here.
I am not sure what is going on with your boyfriend to just start being nasty to you. From your letter I am not clear if he knew all along that he had the baby or if he just found out too. Regardless of his reasons, I think you need to have some serious conversations about what has been going on and where your relationship is going. This baby is definitely going to impact your relationship. If he is a good man, he will want to (and need to) be involved in this child’s life. That means regular visitation and possibly moving closer to wherever the baby and its mom live. When the child is in your home, it means negotiating parenting duties and discipline as the baby grows. It means regular communication with this ex-girlfriend. It means paying child support and extra things for the baby. All of these are huge things that could take a toll on your relationship with him if you don’t talk about them ahead of time. You also need to decide what you want to put up with. Do you want to have to deal with always having a baby in the picture? What if you eventually get married to this guy? Do you want to be a step mom right away? Lots of things to think about.
Your feeling yourself growing further away from him is your anger. It sounds like you are very angry at him for the baby issue, for not being nice to you, for moving so much to make it difficult for you to get a job. However, I want to challenge you to take some responsibility for some of these. Obviously, you can’t for the whole baby situation, but you need to remember that you chose to follow him every time he moved. You chose to stay after finding out about the baby. I am definitely not saying all of this is your fault, but you need to take responsibility for you and your part in this. When you separate out what you have control over, I think your decisions that you will make about your relationship will become clear.
I know that financially things are tough right now. If you are thinking of leaving you may need to lean on some friends or family members to help you out temporarily. Maybe you need to widen your options for what kind of job you could do, just to get something to get started. Maybe you make a plan to go in a few months, after you have gotten some money together to be able to do it. Whether you stay or go, it is in your best interest to have some of your own money. The more dependent you are on him, the more trapped you become. So start your own bank account, get a small amount of credit in your name (try to keep it paid off!) It is always a good idea to have something to fall back on.
If you need help through this rough time in your life, counseling might be a good way to help you resolve of these issue.
Good Luck,
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
“People Pleasers” as they are so often referred to, are people that we all know and very possibly are even ourselves. These are people that spend their lives doing for others. Now normally, doing for others is a good thing. All of the charity organizations count on people doing good things for others and it does tie into the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. So when is doing for others a bad thing? Where is the line and how do you know if you have crossed it?
The answer is both simple and complex. The line is crossed when you sacrifice yourself for the other person. However, (here is the complex part) there are always situations in which you have to, or need to sacrifice your way to make decisions. This is called compromise. You will know if you have gone too far if all you are EVER doing is giving in, if you can’t form an opinion about anything without checking with someone else first, if you feel taken advantage of, or if you have lost who you are in the process of trying to please someone else.
People Pleasers usually get the way they are because their parents were either not available, stingy with their praise, or condescending. Basically the child spent their entire childhood trying to get their parent’s approval without success. Thus, the child learned that they were worthless unless they were doing something for their parent. So they would sacrifice any and everything in hopes of being accepted and ultimately loved. This need to please carries over into adulthood and these people are easy targets for people to take advantage of. This is because they are so afraid of rejection, thinking that any rejection translates into their not being worthwhile or lovable, that they are unable to set appropriate healthy boundaries with people. These people also, for the same reason have a hard time finding TRUE friends. It is easy for them to find friends, but it is usually a one-way relationship with the people pleaser doing everything for the other and getting nothing in return.
So what do you do if you are a People Pleaser? How do you fix this? First you identify your urge to please and recognize how that links to feelings of inferiority. Then you have to remind yourself that you really are worthwhile and lovable and that you don’t have to do everything their way in order for them to like you and respect you. (this is usually a hard thing to convince yourself of after so many years of thinking the opposite, so be gentle with yourself if you don’t get it immediately, just keep trying!) If you can interrupt the process that goes from the urge to please to the action of pleasing you are making headway! The goal is to be able to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for yourself so that you can have an opinion and start to get to know who you really are without all that need to please. Healthy boundaries may mean that you still want to do things for others, but it will be on your terms because you want to, not because you need their approval for doing it. You need to start doing things for yourself as well. Taking care of ourselves is very hard, but vital for our well-being.
It is usually best if people pleasers get some help from a counselor in this process, simply because it is so ingrained in their way of thinking it can be really hard to do this on your own. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is time you mattered to you.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I am the mother of two young children, 3 and 1 and have been married for 10 years. I work part time and am home with the kids the rest of the week. I have been feeling extremely depressed for the last few months. I have put on about 50 pounds in the last few years with having kids. My marriage is ok, my husband is a great support (most of the time) and my work is stressful at times, but I like it and excel at it. I know I don’t eat well and am usually up a minimum of once per night with one or the other child. Some days I struggle with basic self-care tasks like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I am tired of feeling this way and it scares me to see my depression affecting my kids. I was crying today when I was home with them and my 3 year old said, while rubbing my head, that she was sorry and it would be ok. So I know it affects them and that kills me. What do I do?
Depressed in Arizona
Dear Depressed in Arizona,
Trying to maintain a job, a household, a marriage, AND raise two young kids is a HUGE job for anyone. Believe me, I know! I am in the same situation! It can be VERY overwhelming trying to juggle all of those things and take care of yourself too. It sounds to me like you are definitely depressed and need to do something about that right now.
You definitely have some strengths going for you. A good, helping, supportive husband is a huge benefit for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on his shoulder from time to time. Let him know how you are feeling and that you need him to help you. Whether it is more help around the house, taking the kids out of the house for a few hours so you can have some “me” time, or just holding you while you cry. Try to use the resources you already have available. He could even help encourage you to maintain your basic self-care tasks like showering and brushing your teeth.
Tomorrow, I want you to call your family doctor and talk about getting on an antidepressant. Then I want you to make an appointment to talk with a therapist. It can be me, or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It will take some effort to make these calls, but I think you understand how important it is to do this right away. You need to be able to talk to a professional about what is going on here, before you get to the point that you give up or hurt the kids. I know you don’t want to think about that, but it sounds like you are headed in that direction and could get there pretty quickly.
Next, it is time to teach the kids to sleep through the night. I know, I know, easier said than done. Believe me, I know! Sleep deprivation can take down even the most stable of people. This is something you need to do for your own good, as well as for the children. They will be better off if they get a good night’s sleep too. Telling your 3 year old when they go to bed that you expect them to stay in their bed all night and that they are safe and that you will see them in the morning when it is time to get up. I usually tell my daughter what we are planning to do for the next day and that she has to go to sleep and stay in bed all night in order to do that thing. It also gives her time to adjust to the idea so there are less fights in the morning. I call this “front loading”, meaning giving her the information ahead of time so she can feel some control over it and doesn’t feel tricked into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Three year olds like to feel like they have some power in their lives and finding ways for them to have an appropriate amount is very useful.
If the baby is still waking up you need to figure out if you have taught her to not sleep through the night, or if she was sleeping through the night and isn’t anymore, what has changed. Is she/he teething or have an ear infection? Are they congested and can’t breathe? If it isn’t her teeth or ears, then you need to find a method that fits for you (there are several out there) and stick to it. Studies have shown that the method doesn’t really matter as long as you pick one and stick to it consistently. Get your husband to help you and make it a priority. It is time for you to get some sleep!
Once you get these few things into place you can start looking at making your lifestyle healthier. Adding some exercise and eating better will help you feel better and give you more energy to do all that you need to do.
Lastly, you need to give yourself credit for doing everything you are doing. You are raising loving kids (as evidenced by their empathy), holding together a 10 year marriage to a great guy, and excelling at your job! You deserve an award just for that! Try to remember that we weren’t made to be “Superwoman”, even though we try to live up to that. You have to give yourself some kudos for doing the best you can and being ok with that. It is time to put away the perfectionistic ideas and start taking care of you. I know, no small order. If you want to work more with me, I am more than willing to do chat, email or phone sessions with you through my website www.asktheinternettherapist.com.
Good Luck and let me know if I can help you more.
Hang in there!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Parenting is probably one of the hardest jobs out there. Not only is it 24/7, but it is for the remainder of your life. You never really stop being a parent. Your job duties may change along the way, as they should, as your child gets older, but you never really stop being a parent.
Having said that, all of you parents out there know how exhausting it can be to be a parent. Whether you are a single parent, married, divorced, widowed, whatever, it can be truly exhausting. On the flip side, the benefits are amazing as well.
Currently, in my home we are dealing with the “terrible twos” from my youngest daughter. “Terrible Twos” should really be called terrible 1-4’s because they can happen anywhere in that time frame. My oldest daughter started at 18 months, and my youngest didn’t start til she was almost 3. It really is a time when they are starting to assert their independence and realizing that they do have some power in their surrounds. It is incredibly easy to get frustrated with the whole process, especially after you have said “put on your shoes, please” for the hundredth time and she stares at you blankly, or puts her hand on her hip and says “no! I don’t want to!”
The trick is to not explode on your child as well as not to take their resistance personnally, both of which are much easier said than done. Exploding on your child simply reinforces the behavior you want to get rid of. It is role modeling a grown up temper tantrum as well as probably scaring her to death, creating more crying/whining, creating a bigger mess than the one you had before. If you take it personally that she is being disrespectful to you and that triggers stuff for you (most of us have that trigger!) it gets really easy to blow things out of porportion, which really is exactly what she is doing and you get into a tug of war of who is going to give in first and it will be painful whatever the outcome.
What I have discovered, through trial and error and doing all of the above with little success, is once i take a step back from the situation, what i really see is a small child wanting to be heard. She wants to be acknowledged that she has feelings and emotions and is more than something to be bossed around. Granted, she seems to pick the most inopportune times to be heard, but when i take the 30 extra seconds (and that really is all it takes) to get down on her level and reflect back that i know she is angry, upset, or whatever, she is much more likely to hear what I need to say. Plus, my taking that time (honestly, 30 seconds) gives her the opportunity to learn how to put her feelings into words so that she can learn how to express herself in more positive, healthy ways, which will serve her for her entire life. It also reminds me that I am not a dictator (although, there are occasions where this is necessary) and that all of these little everyday instances are what shapes my daughter’s life. It gives me pause to remember that I am a crucial part of the creation of her reality, more than just giving birth to her, but helping her learn how to cope in a healthy manner in this world. That is really what makes parenting so amazingly and profoundly important and rewarding.
So the next time your 2 year old, or your 8 year old, or your 12 year old (if they didn’t learn it at 2, they keep having them!) has their own temper tantrum, remember to stop and actually listen to what they are complaining about. They may just need to be validated that their feelings and emotions are ok and that they are an important part of the family.
Go home and hug your kids!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
My son is 8 yrs. old. He has been sleep walking and talking for several years. He started when he was about 2yrs. old. It has gradually gotten worse. He cries most of the time when he is doing this. He talks about crazy things not necessarily scary stuff but sometimes he is very terrified. He normally has actions with his speech. I don’t know what to do for him. I used to be able to wake him up when he is doing this, but anymore He won’t wake up, He does not remember a bit of it the next morning. I have heard not wake up sleep walkers. Is this true? Is this something I need to talk with his doctor about? If you could suggest something that would be great.
Thank You
Mom of a Sleepwalker
Dear Mom,
Sleep walking is fairly common, in fact I do it myself from time to time! Research has said that up to 15% of kids are sleepwalkers. Some do it more when they are sick, have a fever, are overtired, or are stressed about something. It sounds like your son has an extreme case of it and I would recommend a trip to the Doctor’s just to make sure it isn’t anything more serious.
In the meantime, there are a few things you can do that might help. Create a soothing bedtime ritual that helps him calm down. This could include soft music, soft light, singing quiet songs, etc. Just make sure you aren’t doing things to energize him (like tickling, wrestling, etc). Once you create a ritual, stick to it as well as a regular bedtime. The more you fluctuate his bedtime, the more you interrupt his sleep cycles. For me, I have to have a small light (nightlight) on in my room. I have found for myself that I sleepwalk more when it is pitch black. You may want to experiment with things like this to see what works best for you son. Sometimes doctors also recommend waking your son up on a regular schedule, at the same time every night to change his sleep routine.
When you find him sleepwalking, don’t freak out, just know he is still sleeping and dreaming. Don’t worry if you can’t wake him up, just steer him back to bed. I don’t think it is harmful if you do wake him up, but he may be more startled and confused, so just expect that. It may be a good idea to keep the floor of his room clean and the hallway, etc., so when he does wander around he doesn’t hurt himself. If you have stairs that he could go down, get a gate to keep him from falling down the stairs. Also, if he is spending the night at anyone’s home, you need to warn them of his sleepwalking so they are prepared for middle of the night action.
As for his crying and being terrified, you might spend some time exploring what he is afraid of when he is awake. You may also want to monitor how many scary movies and violent television or video games he is exposed to. Typically the sleepwalker is dreaming while they are walking/doing things and dreams are influenced by what is in our brain. Things may not seem scary when we are awake, but your brain has a way of mixing things up and creating new scenarios when we are sleeping that can be really frightening.
Hope this helps and I hope you can get a full night’s sleep!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Parenting is such a hugh topic. There are so many things and questions you can have about parenting. Parenting is something you really learn as you do it. It doesn’t matter how many books you have read or trainings you have been to, there are always going to be situations where you aren’t sure what to do. Then when you think you have a handle on things the child continues to grow and you are onto whole new issues, or you have another child and they are completely different and respond completely differently than your first child.
I think the best we can do is to try our best, which includes asking for help when we get stuck. Read books, go to trainings, learn as much as you can about other people’s experiences. Those things will definitely help. But also don’t be afraid to bounce things off of someone else. Things from your childhood usually get triggered when parenting, which can skew how you look at the situation. You may differ in parenting styles from your partner, which can cause much stress and problems in your marriage. Parenting is such an important job. We are creating the future leaders and followers and peacemakers and terrorists (hopefully not! That is probably what happenes when people don’t care about their kids). It is worth it to give it our best effort and do the best job we can.
Therapists can be great resources for advice about parenting. The huge percentage of my everyday work is dealing with parenting issues, of babies, kids, teenagers, even grown children may still need parenting. The parent’s job is never done! So the next time you get stuck in trying to decide how to handle that temper tantrum, or can’t get your kid to stay in bed, or your son is getting bullied at school, or your teenager is using drugs, or you have stepfamily issues, or your grown son won’t move out, please take the time and make the investment in the most important job you will ever have. Ask for help.
You can find my webpage at
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
