TAG | people pleaser
“People Pleasers” as they are so often referred to, are people that we all know and very possibly are even ourselves. These are people that spend their lives doing for others. Now normally, doing for others is a good thing. All of the charity organizations count on people doing good things for others and it does tie into the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. So when is doing for others a bad thing? Where is the line and how do you know if you have crossed it?
The answer is both simple and complex. The line is crossed when you sacrifice yourself for the other person. However, (here is the complex part) there are always situations in which you have to, or need to sacrifice your way to make decisions. This is called compromise. You will know if you have gone too far if all you are EVER doing is giving in, if you can’t form an opinion about anything without checking with someone else first, if you feel taken advantage of, or if you have lost who you are in the process of trying to please someone else.
People Pleasers usually get the way they are because their parents were either not available, stingy with their praise, or condescending. Basically the child spent their entire childhood trying to get their parent’s approval without success. Thus, the child learned that they were worthless unless they were doing something for their parent. So they would sacrifice any and everything in hopes of being accepted and ultimately loved. This need to please carries over into adulthood and these people are easy targets for people to take advantage of. This is because they are so afraid of rejection, thinking that any rejection translates into their not being worthwhile or lovable, that they are unable to set appropriate healthy boundaries with people. These people also, for the same reason have a hard time finding TRUE friends. It is easy for them to find friends, but it is usually a one-way relationship with the people pleaser doing everything for the other and getting nothing in return.
So what do you do if you are a People Pleaser? How do you fix this? First you identify your urge to please and recognize how that links to feelings of inferiority. Then you have to remind yourself that you really are worthwhile and lovable and that you don’t have to do everything their way in order for them to like you and respect you. (this is usually a hard thing to convince yourself of after so many years of thinking the opposite, so be gentle with yourself if you don’t get it immediately, just keep trying!) If you can interrupt the process that goes from the urge to please to the action of pleasing you are making headway! The goal is to be able to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for yourself so that you can have an opinion and start to get to know who you really are without all that need to please. Healthy boundaries may mean that you still want to do things for others, but it will be on your terms because you want to, not because you need their approval for doing it. You need to start doing things for yourself as well. Taking care of ourselves is very hard, but vital for our well-being.
It is usually best if people pleasers get some help from a counselor in this process, simply because it is so ingrained in their way of thinking it can be really hard to do this on your own. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is time you mattered to you.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
