TAG | relationship
There never seems to be a shortage of marriages having troubles these days. Hopefully we can work to change that! Maybe by sharing our stories and possible solutions we can make positive changes in our own relationships and keep them from falling apart.
Here is a listener question from my work on the radio.
Dear Carol,
I am 38 year old man who has been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys and a very busy lifestyle running them to practices and school, etc. Our marriage has had small struggles over the last several years and I know we have gotten too busy with the boys and have stopped paying attention to the marriage. Now when I try to talk to my wife all I get is the shove-off or “I’m tired right now, can it wait?”
Anyway, I noticed her taking some phone calls that she would go outside to talk and when I asked her about it and who it was, she seemed nervous. So I looked at her phone and found out it is a dad of one of the kids who plays ball with our son and they have been talking 30-45 minutes at a time almost every day! I confronted her about it and she denied anything going on, but when I caught her again, I confronted her again and she finally said they had been talking for a while, but nothing had happened. She says she wants to work on the relationship, but I am having such a hard time trusting her! What do I do?
Marriage falling apart fast!
Dear Marriage Falling apart Fast,
I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about not giving the relationship enough attention. It is a difficult thing to do, especially with 3 busy boys, plus work and all of the other requirements of life, but it really is absolutely essential if you want to stay married. It is always easier to get those needs for attention and those feelings of being wanted and needed from someone else than it is to work through all of the little things that irritate you about your spouse.
I think it is time for a major sit down with your wife. If you are serious about staying together it is time for some drastic changes. I think that starts with some couples counseling. Next I would recommend that you each start doing small things for the other person. Try to remember back to when you first got together and what you did to romance her. That is the stuff you need to rekindle. I know it is difficult to do when you are having trouble trusting her, but my guess is, if she can get those needs met at home, she won’t need to talk to that guy and she will refocus her attention back on you and at home. I do think you need the counselor though to help sort through things and help you find ways to reconnect. Working on your marriage needs to take #1 priority in both of your lives if you want it to work out.
Don’t forget, you are the role model relationship for your boys. How you work things out or don’t work things out with your wife will impact their relationships in the future, so try to take the high road. If either of you aren’t willing to do the work that is needed to save the relationship, please try not to be angry and vindictive at your wife. Try to work through those feelings so your boys don’t see it. Again, counseling could come in really handy here.
Good Luck, I hope things get better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I recently found out that my boyfriend of four years has a baby with someone else. We split up for about a year and he hooked up with some other girl. I’ve accepted it and moved on. But recently he has been treating me like crap. I’ve moved all over to different states with him because of his job, and am having trouble finding a job due to the fact that I’ve only stayed at a job for at least four months tops in the past two years. It’s really taking affect on me financially. He acts like it’s all my fault that I’m having trouble. (all of this has taken place in the past month). We fight all the time and I feel myself growing further away from him. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even like him to touch me. So you can only imagine what our sex life is like. He thinks that I think about things too much. I think I have a lot to think about. I just found out this month that he has a baby, I can’t find a job, I can’t pay bills because I don’t have a job, etc. I talk to my friends, they tell me that I’m too good to have to deal with all of what’s been going on. Even if I wanted to leave, I can’t financially go anywhere. I’m so lost, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Please help. . .
Feeling Desperate
Dear Feeling Desperate,
It is hard when you feel like you have invested significant amounts of your time, money and energy into something that feels like it is falling apart. You have some big decisions to make and it sounds like you probably will need to make them sooner, rather than later. The biggest thing I want you to remember, though, is that you ALWAYS have options. You are not stuck here.
I am not sure what is going on with your boyfriend to just start being nasty to you. From your letter I am not clear if he knew all along that he had the baby or if he just found out too. Regardless of his reasons, I think you need to have some serious conversations about what has been going on and where your relationship is going. This baby is definitely going to impact your relationship. If he is a good man, he will want to (and need to) be involved in this child’s life. That means regular visitation and possibly moving closer to wherever the baby and its mom live. When the child is in your home, it means negotiating parenting duties and discipline as the baby grows. It means regular communication with this ex-girlfriend. It means paying child support and extra things for the baby. All of these are huge things that could take a toll on your relationship with him if you don’t talk about them ahead of time. You also need to decide what you want to put up with. Do you want to have to deal with always having a baby in the picture? What if you eventually get married to this guy? Do you want to be a step mom right away? Lots of things to think about.
Your feeling yourself growing further away from him is your anger. It sounds like you are very angry at him for the baby issue, for not being nice to you, for moving so much to make it difficult for you to get a job. However, I want to challenge you to take some responsibility for some of these. Obviously, you can’t for the whole baby situation, but you need to remember that you chose to follow him every time he moved. You chose to stay after finding out about the baby. I am definitely not saying all of this is your fault, but you need to take responsibility for you and your part in this. When you separate out what you have control over, I think your decisions that you will make about your relationship will become clear.
I know that financially things are tough right now. If you are thinking of leaving you may need to lean on some friends or family members to help you out temporarily. Maybe you need to widen your options for what kind of job you could do, just to get something to get started. Maybe you make a plan to go in a few months, after you have gotten some money together to be able to do it. Whether you stay or go, it is in your best interest to have some of your own money. The more dependent you are on him, the more trapped you become. So start your own bank account, get a small amount of credit in your name (try to keep it paid off!) It is always a good idea to have something to fall back on.
If you need help through this rough time in your life, counseling might be a good way to help you resolve of these issue.
Good Luck,
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have two boys, ages 7 and 5, both with differing levels of Autism. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars and had countless problems dealing with their situation, but seem to be pulling out of the worst of it. My older son is mainstreamed and doing well (considering). We believe 100% that the boys’ conditions are a result of vaccine injury. I want to have another baby, as I think we could have a “normal” child, but my husband is against it. What do you think?
Wanting One More
Dear Wanting,
Having one child with Autism is incredibly difficult, I admire your strength to not only deal with two, but want another baby as well!
Even with the complications of the Autistic boys, the answer to the baby question is the same regardless. When making plans to bring a baby into the world, the decision needs to be unanimous. If one party says no, then the answer is no. If you go ahead and get pregnant without having your husband on board, there will always be an underlying resentment (probably toward you, not the baby, but possibly the baby as well) and your actions will eat away at the trust between you and your husband.
You also need to consider how you would feel if there was something wrong with the third child, whether it is Autism or something else. Would you resent your decision? You also need to think about if you have the personal resources (financially, energetically, and emotionally) to take on another child. Babies take a lot of work and energy and you are already expending a lot of energy with the boys you have. I know these are hard questions, but ones you need to think about before making such a big decision
The main point is the welfare of the child. When one parent doesn’t want the baby that message gets conveyed to the child, whether verbally or nonverbally. That kind of message can be very damaging to a child’s sense of self and importance.
But, if you can get your husband on board and think you can handle the above questions, then by all means, go for it!
Good luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
When you are searching for someone to spend your life with don’t underestimate the importance of having common thoughts and beliefs about religion and spirituality. It may seem like not a big deal when you are dating, but when you have children, it WILL come up about what religion to bring them up in. It is important to have that figured out before you have kids.
here is a letter from a listener on this subject:
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and in the last few months I am having second thoughts about us being together. My family is very close and very religious and his is not. His mother lives 30 miles away and only sees our three children every 6 months or so, and bad mouths everything that has to do with religion. He will go to church with me every once in a while but not with any enthusiasm. I usually end up going by myself with the children and spending the day with my family without him. I am thinking that we are too different to be together and I am thinking about leaving him. No one knows what I am thinking not even him I am just not sure that there is any way to get around this big block in the road.
Wanting more religious unity
Dear Wanting,
Oftentimes when people first get together they underplay the importance of sharing religious beliefs, probably thinking the difference is no big deal, which it may not be at the time. Then couples have kids and all of a sudden it carries much more importance.
The other thing about religion/spirituality is that it is very personal and you can’t really make someone believe or not believe. It has to be their choice. He may feel like he needs to go with you to please you, but you can’t make him do it enthusiastically unless he really feels it.
I do think this is and can be a very big issue between couples, but it should have been a deal breaker 7 years ago, not after 3 kids. I think you need to have a serious conversation about this with your husband. You need to explain how you feel about it and your wish (I am assuming this) to share more of a religious experience with him. If it is more of you wanting him to join in with your family afterward, maybe that is a compromise. He doesn’t go to church, but comes with you to the family time afterward. I am not sure what his mother has to do with this and I suspect there is a lot more to the story than you are sharing and maybe with more information you may have a better case for leaving at this point. Because you have 3 kids I think you owe it to them to try everything you can to make this work. If you can’t have the kind of conversation you need to have with him, I would recommend getting some couples counseling to help you express yourself better to him and open up the lines of communication.
Good Luck
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
