TAG | self-esteem
Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.
The following is a letter from a radio listener:
Good Morning Carol.
I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?
Struggling with being single again!
Dear Struggling,
It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.
I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.
I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.
You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.
It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
“People Pleasers” as they are so often referred to, are people that we all know and very possibly are even ourselves. These are people that spend their lives doing for others. Now normally, doing for others is a good thing. All of the charity organizations count on people doing good things for others and it does tie into the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. So when is doing for others a bad thing? Where is the line and how do you know if you have crossed it?
The answer is both simple and complex. The line is crossed when you sacrifice yourself for the other person. However, (here is the complex part) there are always situations in which you have to, or need to sacrifice your way to make decisions. This is called compromise. You will know if you have gone too far if all you are EVER doing is giving in, if you can’t form an opinion about anything without checking with someone else first, if you feel taken advantage of, or if you have lost who you are in the process of trying to please someone else.
People Pleasers usually get the way they are because their parents were either not available, stingy with their praise, or condescending. Basically the child spent their entire childhood trying to get their parent’s approval without success. Thus, the child learned that they were worthless unless they were doing something for their parent. So they would sacrifice any and everything in hopes of being accepted and ultimately loved. This need to please carries over into adulthood and these people are easy targets for people to take advantage of. This is because they are so afraid of rejection, thinking that any rejection translates into their not being worthwhile or lovable, that they are unable to set appropriate healthy boundaries with people. These people also, for the same reason have a hard time finding TRUE friends. It is easy for them to find friends, but it is usually a one-way relationship with the people pleaser doing everything for the other and getting nothing in return.
So what do you do if you are a People Pleaser? How do you fix this? First you identify your urge to please and recognize how that links to feelings of inferiority. Then you have to remind yourself that you really are worthwhile and lovable and that you don’t have to do everything their way in order for them to like you and respect you. (this is usually a hard thing to convince yourself of after so many years of thinking the opposite, so be gentle with yourself if you don’t get it immediately, just keep trying!) If you can interrupt the process that goes from the urge to please to the action of pleasing you are making headway! The goal is to be able to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for yourself so that you can have an opinion and start to get to know who you really are without all that need to please. Healthy boundaries may mean that you still want to do things for others, but it will be on your terms because you want to, not because you need their approval for doing it. You need to start doing things for yourself as well. Taking care of ourselves is very hard, but vital for our well-being.
It is usually best if people pleasers get some help from a counselor in this process, simply because it is so ingrained in their way of thinking it can be really hard to do this on your own. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is time you mattered to you.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
