First let me say that I'm glad you're seeking help. It is never easy to ask for help or to admit that you are having difficulty finding ways to discipline your child. That being said, you're right, disciplining a child can be difficult. There are countless different theories and approaches out there and parents can get lost in all the different advice they hear. What's most important is that the approach you choose is one that works for you and your family and that you will stick with, consistency is critical for success.

One area that parents often struggle with is rewarding positive behavior. It is easy to overlook what our children are doing right and spend our energy consequencing them for their negative or inappropriate behaviors. It can be difficult to re-focus our attention and praise positive, desirable behavior. It takes practice, and the best parents slip up. The key is to keep working on it. It sounds simple, but it really does work. As parents, we often do a great job of telling our children what not to do, but often forget to tell them what we would like them to do instead. We often assume that the child can replace this undesirable behavior on his or her own, and that they will do what we want them to do. The problem is, our children can't read minds any more than we can. We need to tell them what we want them to do, rather than simply hope they will guess correctly. These two points actually go together quite nicely. It is helpful to get into the practice of saying what we want, instead of what we don't want. For example, if you want your child to put the dishes in the dishwasher and not on the counter, say "Sue, put your dishes in the dishwasher please", rather than "Sue, don't put your dishes on the counter." Again, this may sound simple, but it is another way to bring in the positives.

With regard to specific behaviors, it can be helpful to list the behaviors you would like to change and then pick one or two to start with. You've heard the phrase "choose your battles", it applies here too. If you are fighting with your child on every little thing you will be exhausted and less likely to be consistent in your parenting. Choose the things that are most important to you or that are safety issues for your child. When you are looking at any behavior it can be helpful to use the "So What?" test. Basically, this is where you ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter, "So What?". For example, if your child is getting into fights at school, using drugs or getting into trouble with the law, does it really matter that he throws his dirty clothes on the floor? This may seem silly, but it is easy to get into power struggles and for things like this to become huge issues. That is where the "So What?" test comes in handy.

It is also important to think about things that are important to your child. These things can be used as rewards for positive behavior. Remember, food, clothes, shelter, school, these are rights, but, television, friends, sports, video games, these are privileges. These are tools you have to help manage behavior. However, be careful how you use them as this is an area that can quickly turn into a power struggle, with the child having no privileges at all and thus feeling that they have nothing to loose. This is not a pretty picture for either of you.

Finally, look at what you have done to manage your child's behaviors in the past. Look at what has worked and what hasn't. Parents are often surprised to find that they have had successes, no matter how small, and these can sometimes be a place to start. When you are choosing consequences, remember it is better to use natural consequences, i.e. having the punishment fit the crime. For example, if your teenager comes home late from going out with his friends, a natural consequence would be that he is not allowed to go out the following weekend. The offense and the consequences are directly related.

I hope this has given you some ideas and will help you choose a new direction. As I said earlier, there are a number of different approaches out there, many of which you could explore at your local library or bookstore. A few examples are 123 Magic, Family Rules and Love and Logic. Again these are just a few. These, and other approaches, are often meant to be used with a particular age group. Keep this in mind if you research parenting plans. I am also available for further questions.

Good luck,

Melissa Ellison, MA