Sample Email Answer: Marriage Counseling: Marriage and Communication

by Carol Agnew, M.A., LMFT

Carol,

My husband and I just got married in February of this year, but we have been a couple for 2 years. I feel like I am at my wits end with him because he refuses to talk to me about things. I have tried being patient and tried being pushy and about anything you can think of in the middle. I don't know what to do anymore. We are going to have a baby in September and I don't know if things are going to work out with us. I am scared that he married me for the wrong reasons and that we are not on the same page. What should I do?

Yours truly,

Out of Patience in Missouri

__________________

Dear Out of Patience,

I am sorry to hear you are already fed up so early on in your married life. Even though you have been a couple for two years, there is something different about being married. Hopefully you didn't say "I do" hoping that your relationship would automatically get better because you are married now! (Some people actually think that!)

You have had two years to set patterns into place that might take a bit of effort to change, but alas, there is hope! First, you need to remember that men and women communicate differently. Women tend to want to talk everything through and need reassurance from their partner. Then they expect their partner to do the same. Men, however, typically don't like to talk about things, especially feelings, or how they think the relationship is going. They will do their daily routine, try to have some fun and call it a day, leaving the woman feeling left in the dark.

The solution? Time to train the man to talk more! Actually, you both have to make some adjustments to try and meet somewhere in the middle. Sitting down with him and explaining what you need from him is a good second step. The first step is to sit down with yourself and figure out what it is you really want from him. Is it someone to just listen to you vent and validate your feelings? Or do you want him to fix it? His tendency will be to try to fix whatever it is you are complaining about, so if you don't want him to fix it you need to be very clear on that and probably repeat it over and over and over.

It sounds like you would like to hear what he is thinking and feeling. This will be hard for him, as he will feel very vulnerable talking about these topics. You have to make a safe environment for him to do this in and not get defensive or angry about what you hear or don't hear. Also, you may have to change your expectations about how much you want to hear. It sounds like he is not used to doing this, so any little progress will be a big deal for him.

One last thought, you are pregnant, and pregnancy does intensify all of your feelings. (believe me, I just gave birth and the emotions are still not back to normal!) So, just remember as you approach him to try to tone it back and see things through his eyes, validating him along the way. If you need more help getting through to him, I would be more than willing to work with you either individually or together through my counseling website, www.asktheinternettherapist.com

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

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