Sample Email - Parenting Help

My 18 year old daughter is dating a 22 year old college man that I don't approve of. How do I handle this without ruining my relationship with her?

by Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

I first want to say, I am proud of you for looking for some parenting help. It is not always an easy thing to do, asking for help, especially about parenting. This can be a tricky situation and I hear how frustrated you are that her new decisions don't match what you had hoped you had taught her. The first thing to do is take a deep breath and look at the choice she has actually made. What is it you don't approve of? Is it just his age or is there more to the story? Is this a decent guy? Does he respect you and your daughter? Is he making something of himself? Does he have similar values/morals as you have tried to teach your daughter? Even though he is older, this doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad influence on your daughter. Once you get to know him, if you like him, try to be supportive of your daughter, while talking with her about responsibilities and consequences of getting too serious too soon.

If you still don't like him, you have to tread carefully. This is a man your daughter has chosen and she will take any criticism of him as a personal attack against her. You don't want to set yourself up to make her choose between him and you, because in all likelihood at 18, she will choose him. Arguing with her, or trying to forbid her from seeing him will simply make it all that more attractive to her TO see him. Parenting at this age is like walking in a field of land mines. You have to tread very carefully, while trying to maintain your own integrity. Probably your best bet is what I call the back door approach. You stop arguing about him, you may even stop talking about him altogether. If she brings him up, you simply ignore the subject or work VERY HARD not to argue about him. Your daughter probably wants you to simply listen to her without trying to fix the situation or force her to make a decision. It is a time in her life that she needs to be making decisions on her own and learning from her mistakes. Your role at this point is to both allow her the space to make those decisions, but also be there to pick her up when she falls (and she probably will fall, at one time or another).

This doesn't mean abandon the rules of your home or let her get away with anything she wants. There are still responsibilities she has and consequences she must endure. You are not her friend, yet, you are still parenting her, even as you allow her more and more freedom to make her own choices. If she is still living in your home, she still has to follow your rules (although you may want to make sure your rules aren't for a girl who is 12 and not 18). Enforcing your rules in a calm and a matter of fact way is the best approach. The more you argue with her, the more power you give her to rebel and the more you sink to her level and become 18 again. You need to remain the adult in the household and not get into a power struggle with her. Again, the idea is to find a balance between maintaining your home and rules and giving her a little freedom to begin to make choices. If you resist her making her own choices for fear that she will make a wrong one, or get hurt, chances are even higher that she will rebel and make even more wrong decisions simply to go against you.

This is a very hard age for the both of you to go through. She wants to grow up and become more independent and you are struggling with still wanting to protect her and keep her safe. Try to remember you are not parenting a 12 year old anymore. She probably still wants your approval and support, but may be too embarrassed or scared to openly ask for it. If you give her the opportunity to talk openly and honestly without judgment, she may confide in you her own fears and worries about her future. You can also express your concerns for her safety and her future, but try not to lecture or demand that she do it your way. Try really hard not to get defensive or argue about it as this will not solve anything. The calmer and less attacking you are, the better chance you have at maintaining your relationship and still having an influence on your daughter.

Good Luck and let me know how things turn out!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

www.asktheinternettherapist.com

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