The Plant of Your Relationship
(in Mt. Mail Heartbeat Sept. ’04 and Crestone Eagle 2/05)
by Abba Jepsen, M.A., NCC
 “Traditionally there are two paths of the spiritual practitioner: the ascetic who meditates in seclusion or the householder who leads a married life. To be married is more difficult.” These words were spoken in a wooded glen at my own wedding eight years ago. Marriage is, no doubt, hard work, perhaps the most difficult thing some of us will ever do.
When the honeymoon phase of our relationship is over, we experience that our partner no longer makes us happy. The romantic ideal we’ve held our partner to crumbles into a real relationship between real people with hopes and fears, wisdom and neuroses, needs and expectations. At this point we have three choices: we can break up; we can live together with resentment and little intimacy; or we can use the relationship as a means of growth and transformation. When we choose growth, we have the opportunity to transform the “garbage” of our relationship into compost. We can learn from the difficulties, keeping ourselves open to possibilities and pain, our partner, and ourselves.
Our intimate relationships are like plants. They need sunshine and rain and good soil. They need work. When pain and difficulties arise we can touch into our commitment and willingly feel our emotional weather. We can remain open to the winds and rains, as well as the sunshine and sweet breezes of the relationship. It takes tremendous courage to stop and simply feel the pain that arises, to let it wash over us like a wave. When we do this, it is not as bad as we anticipated. And like all weather, it passes.
Cultivating this larger awareness of the emotional storm allows us to notice the transient nature of conflict. Through this process we can learn to own and heal our pain, and glean some wisdom from it. It is a courageous and generous endeavor to not blame our partner for our unhappiness or not fulfilling our ideal.
Being present and honest with ourselves will provide space for understanding and growth. There is tremendous reward for stretching ourselves to open, taking responsibility for our side of the story, and transforming our negative habits into acts of integrity. The reward is that our plant begins to flower. Love returns and blossoms. Joy and lightness dawn with a newfound workability.
Tips for nurturing your relationship:
- Acknowledge your partner for something every day. This could be something little or significant about what they do, who they are or how they look.
- Treat your partner like a friend. Be considerate and respectful. Laugh at their jokes and listen to their stories. Lighten up together and be kind to one another.
- Spend quality time together. If you have small children and not much alone time, extend yourself and make that time precious.
- Give what you want. If you want more love, offer love. If you want more affection, offer affection. If you want more intimacy, create an intimate environment.
- Study what “works” between you and do more of that. Do not keep repeating the same negative patterns.
- Sit down with your spouse and each make a list of what makes you feel loved and cared for. Exchange lists. Study your partner’s list and make a commitment to do some of those things.
- Apologize. In every conflict you play a part. Be responsible for it.
- Honor your partner’s freedom. Wish them well as they do things separate from you. Celebrate your differences. Chances are, you do not want to be in a relationship with someone exactly like you!
- Do not react. When your partner gives you negative feedback, reply that you will think about it - and do.
- See a counselor when you run into difficulties or want more from your relationship. All relationships run into hard times. Counseling is a wonderful way to give your relationship time and nurturing. Even one or two sessions can be a great benefit. Also know that shifts in the relationship can occur with only one person in counseling.
Abba Jepsen, MA is a Nationally Certified Counselor in private practice in Crestone and Salida. She works with couples, individuals and groups and can be reached at (719) 256-4838 or at abba@asktheinternettherapist.com.
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