Boundaries: Unfair of Abusive Fighting or Personal Boundary Violations

by Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

Definition of abusive boundaries: The violation of a person's physical or mental state (personal boundaries, limits), which is different for every person.

1. "Always""Never"
2. "You"
3. Yelling voice
4. Calling names
5. Cussing
6. Bringing up the past
7. Catagorizing / Comparing
8. Doesn't listen to other person's side
9. Turns away or walks away
10. Sarcastic
11. Laughs at other person
12. Mocks other person
13. Demands to talk at inappropriate times
14. Passive Manipulative Behavior:
    A - Pout
    B - Slams door
    C - Whining
    D - Making faces
    E - Silent treatment
15. Talks over last part of sentence
16. Hits or throws things
17. Using weak points
18. Lecturing
19. Interrogating
20. Monopolizing conversation ( monologues )
21. Asking inappropriate questions - over the other person's boundaries
22. Mad about one thing but talks about another thing
23. Threatening statements or behavior
24. Blackmail "or else " statements
25. Ultimatum
26. Attempting to "guilt trip" or "shame"
27. Moving across physical boundary of other person
28. Threatening physical gestures or movements
29. Taking the others inventory
30. Conditional love, "I'll marry you, if you . . . . "
31. Condescending
32. Breaking confidences
33. Third party communication
34. Lying
35. Breaking promises repeatedly
36. Not supportive emotionally
37. Critical:
    A - Calling names
    B - Bringing up the past to hurt you
38. Neglecting your needs deliberately
39. Pushing buttons
40. Making fun of you
41. Treating you like a child, or mother, or father - treats you as an inferior or superior
42. Ignores - doesn't listen to you or your opinion
43. Being disrespectful / rude
44. Won't take "no" for an answer
45. Pushiness
46. Someone who gives you advice not asked for
47. Demanding
48. Judgmental
49. Trying to "fix" or "save" you
    A - Manipulating
    B - Blaming
50. Shotgun blasting - not staying on one subject
51. Physical abuse
52. Sexual abuse
53. Strings attached to gifts
54. Withholding behavior
55. Inappropriate secrets or threats
56. Excessive teasing

Appropriate counseling can assist an individual, couple, or family learn better limitations. Explore the ease of e-mail counseling or the virtual counseling offered through audiovisual equipment.

Copyright © 2004 Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

Return to the Mental Health Counseling Tips Archives Page