1. Waiting until the other person is finished before you begin speaking.
2. Paraphrasing the point back to the person, asking "Is that what you are trying to say?" This type of communication is not only respectful, but allows the person you are speaking with to know you understand what they are saying. It allows you to track if you are listening correctly.
3. Using "I feel" statements. "I feel" statements accept ownership and responsibility for our feelings. It usually promotes a less defensive attitude by the person you are trying to communicate with.
4. Not blaming. Even if the person realizes that you are right about the particular issue they will feel resentful about the way you went about it.
5. Avoid name calling. Any abusive actions or statements should be avoided. Remember that the purpose of any communication is to be assertive and to try and get your point across. It is not about winning or proving that you are right.
6. Asking for information from the other person. This allows the other person to know that you are truly interested in what they think and how they feel. It is a way to show a willingness to resolve an issue fairly.
7. Avoiding words such as "always," and/or "never."
8. Avoiding threats.
9. Never shout and/or yell.
10. Maintaining eye contact. This form of non verbal behavior promotes equality and respect. It also commands respect. Be careful however not to stare the person down.
11. Validating the other person's right to their feelings. Often people are more concerned with whether you respect and care for them as individuals more than the particular issue in discussion.
12. Truly listening to what they are saying. Be willing to gladly admit that the other person might have a good point or may even be correct. Resolution of the issue is much more important than being right for the sake of being right.

For for more detailed help with assertivess schedule a chat counseling or audiovisual online counseling appointment or check out the Mental Health DVD related to this topic by Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

© 2004 Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC