We generally see grief following five different stages: 1.Shock and Denial, 2.Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4.Depression, and 5.Acceptance.
- Shock/Denial: "This really isn't happening. I've been taking good care of myself" This shock is natures way of giving a person time to assimilate the enormity of the loss that has just occurred. We temporarily block the grief.
- Anger: "Why me? I must have done something to cause this. I wanted a baby so bad, this is not fair. I feel more sadness in my life now more then ever." This anger often turns on ourselves or even on God.
- Bargaining: Even though we know in our rational mind that there is nothing we can do to defeat death we still tend to fanaticize that if we just pray hard enough or if we are good enough somehow our loss will be taken away.
- Depression and Isolation: After we fully realize that we can not change the awful truth of the loss the real work of grief begins. People in this stage tend to need a lot of time alone and really begin to accept the enormity of their loss.
- Acceptance: "I have to deal with it; I'm not the only one who has experienced this. Other women have made it through this, maybe I should get some help." Often this stage involves increased growth. Generally a person who has incurred any major loss in their lives becomes more mature and often values what they have more completely. They often become more spiritual in the process.
Each step takes longer to go through than the previous one. There are unexpected and sometimes anticipated triggers that lead to setbacks. Examples of potential triggers include: thoughtless comments, holidays, and family reunions. You may find that you will experience what we call an “anniversary reaction” each year around the time of your losses. There is a tendency at these times to go through the stages of bereavement all over again, but in a much more shortened form.
By acknowledgingthe loss as real, and talking about it, you have established a starting point. Try to journal your thoughts, as this is often helpful to process your bereavement.
Make sure to give yourself time to cry and hurt over your loss. You have just suffered a life changing loss. It is natural to feel a great amount of pain emotionally. Letting yourself grieve helps the healing process.
Terre Buck, M.A.
© 2004 AskTheInternetTherapist.com
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Terre Buck M.A. is a National Certified Counselor (NCC), a Certified Addictions and Drug Counselor in the state of Illinois (CADC) as well as an Internationally Certified Alcohol and Drug Abuse and Codependence Counselor through ICRC - the International Certification and Reciprocity Consortium and a Certified Hypnotherapist. She is also licensed as a Psychologist in the State of Michigan. She is a graduate of Grand Valley State University with a Bachelor's Degree in Sociology and Psychology and she obtained her Master's Degree in Counseling Education and Counseling Psychology at Western Michigan University. With more than nineteen years of experience, Terre has worked with a variety of populations including incarcerates, sexual abuse survivors, foster children and their parents, substance abusers, battered women and men, Vietnam Era Veterans, and those clients experiencing depression, anxiety disorders, relationship problems, and adjustment disorders, codependency issues in relationships, and codependence in families. Terre currently divides her time between Chicago and Kalamazoo where she is doing research. |
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