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 Dear A,
It sounds like you are re-experiencing the loss of your mother, even though the loss occurred when you were very young. You state that you lost your mother at the age of 8 and have been able to deal with it fairly well until now. You are 18 and at an age where many young adults feel a need for their mother, so that may be what is triggering some of your grief feelings now. You may be experiencing an anniversary reaction. This is when we re-experience grief due to remembering the loss of a loved one when special events happen in our lives. The age of 18 is an important age for many young woman and seeing your friends with their moms as they enter adulthood may trigger grief feelings for your mom and a sense of wondering what you and Mom would be doing now. You may be wishing you had the relationship with your mom that you see others your age experiencing. Another possibility is that you have experienced the loss of significant relationship such as a friendship or boyfriend and this is causing you to miss and mourn for your mother. You state that you cannot talk about this to others, yet this is something I encourage to you to do. Talking about your Mom and the circumstances of her death will help you in the grief process.
Experiencing an anniversary reaction to grief usually occurs within 2 years of the death of loved one. By the second year after the loss, the initial social support is gone and that leaves the person more at risk for depressive symptoms. However, anniversary reactions ot grief also occur when we hit milestones in our lives such as entering adulthood and seeing friends with their parents when we have suffered the loss of a parent. A young woman entering adulthood feels a need for a mother as this is a time when we are exploring our future and need guidance. Parent/child relationships are important at this time and not having a mother present can bring feelings of grief to the forefront again. All memories fade with time, yet people relive trauma and tragedy when faced with changes in life - such as entering adulthood, so this is normal. It is very difficult for a young woman to enter adulthood without a mother figure to help with this transition.
Humans are social creatures. Thus, we spend a huge period of our lives living with and depending on our parents. We usually do this until about the age of 18 -- so the age of 18 is often a pivotal age. Entering adulthood without a parent (even a parent who died years before) can cause past grief and trauma to resurface and lead us into depression. We depend on people - especially our parents - and they hold a special place in our hearts. Losing a mother is like losing a part of yourself that cannot be replaced. When we remember someone that has been gone, we are reliving that piece of us that has been torn away. However, grief is the process that can heal this hurt.
Normal grief often includes preoccupation with the loss of a loved one and it is normal to experience grief over (even years later) when significant events occur in our lives. People often feel overwhelmed by loss and show signs of depression such as sad mood, loss of interest in activities and friends, restlessness. Grieving often causes us to withdraw from usual activities and social contacts. It is important to talk about the deceased person and the circumstances of the death. Re-experiencing grief often means we need to go through portions of the grief cycle again. The cycle consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. One will need to express feeling about the loss all over - such as feelings of sadness, guilt, anger. Recovery from grieving will take time and perhaps reduction in commitments may be necessary - such as reductions in work or social commitments until one feels comfortable doing these things again. In addition to talking to others about the loss and grieving, journaling is an effective tool for recording one's thoughts,emotions and feelings. Journaling helps discover the self and is a good way to promote self-healing. One can utilize the letter format in their personal grief journal -- writing letters to the deceased, friends, oneself, God. Journaling can be gratifying experience and also help one move toward the future.
Here are some further resources to help in dealing with loss - whether it be from a recent death, an anniversary reaction or loss of a relationship:
Why Must We Grieve? by Glenn Brynes, Ph.D., M.D.
Death is Hard To Live With by J. Bode
Understanding Mourning; A Guide For Those Who Grieve by Glen W. Davidson
Remarkable Recovery by Hirshberg and Barasch
I hope this has been helpful,
Joyce Willis, MC, CPC
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