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 Dear A,
It sounds like you are re-experiencing the loss of your mother, even though
the loss occurred when you were very young. You state that you lost your
mother at the age of 8 and have been able to deal with it fairly well
until now. You are 18 and at an age where many young adults feel a need
for their mother, so that may be what is triggering some of your grief
feelings now. You may be experiencing an anniversary reaction. This
is when we re-experience grief due to remembering the loss of a loved
one when special events happen in our lives. The age of 18 is an important
age for many young woman and seeing your friends with their moms as they
enter adulthood may trigger grief feelings for your mom and a sense of
wondering what you and Mom would be doing now. You may be wishing you
had the relationship with your mom that you see others your age experiencing.
Another possibility is that you have experienced the loss of significant
relationship such as a friendship or boyfriend and this is causing you
to miss and mourn for your mother. You state that you cannot talk about
this to others, yet this is something I encourage to you to do. Talking
about your Mom and the circumstances of her death will help you in the
grief process.
Experiencing an anniversary reaction to grief usually occurs within 2
years of the death of loved one. By the second year after the loss, the
initial social support is gone and that leaves the person more at risk
for depressive symptoms. However, anniversary reactions ot grief also
occur when we hit milestones in our lives such as entering adulthood and
seeing friends with their parents when we have suffered the loss of a
parent. A young woman entering adulthood feels a need for a mother as
this is a time when we are exploring our future and need guidance. Parent/child
relationships are important at this time and not having a mother present
can bring feelings of grief to the forefront again. All memories fade
with time, yet people relive trauma and tragedy when faced with changes
in life - such as entering adulthood, so this is normal. It is very difficult
for a young woman to enter adulthood without a mother figure to help with
this transition.
Humans are social creatures. Thus, we spend a huge period of our lives
living with and depending on our parents. We usually do this until about
the age of 18 -- so the age of 18 is often a pivotal age. Entering adulthood
without a parent (even a parent who died years before) can cause past
grief and trauma to resurface and lead us into depression. We depend on
people - especially our parents - and they hold a special place in our
hearts. Losing a mother is like losing a part of yourself that cannot
be replaced. When we remember someone that has been gone, we are reliving
that piece of us that has been torn away. However, grief is the process
that can heal this hurt.
Normal grief often includes preoccupation with the loss of a loved one
and it is normal to experience grief over (even years later) when significant
events occur in our lives. People often feel overwhelmed by loss and show
signs of depression such as sad mood, loss of interest in activities and
friends, restlessness. Grieving often causes us to withdraw from usual
activities and social contacts. It is important to talk about the deceased
person and the circumstances of the death. Re-experiencing grief often
means we need to go through portions of the grief cycle again. The cycle
consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. One
will need to express feeling about the loss all over - such as feelings
of sadness, guilt, anger. Recovery from grieving will take time and perhaps
reduction in commitments may be necessary - such as reductions in work
or social commitments until one feels comfortable doing these things again.
In addition to talking to others about the loss and grieving, journaling
is an effective tool for recording one's thoughts,emotions and feelings.
Journaling helps discover the self and is a good way to promote self-healing.
One can utilize the letter format in their personal grief journal -- writing
letters to the deceased, friends, oneself, God. Journaling can be gratifying
experience and also help one move toward the future.
Here are some further resources to help in dealing with loss - whether
it be from a recent death, an anniversary reaction or loss of a relationship:
Why Must We Grieve? by Glenn Brynes, Ph.d.,
M.D,
Death is Hard To Live With by J. Bode
Understanding Mourning; A Guide For Those Who Grieve
by Glen W. Davidson
Remarkable Recovery by Hirshberg and Barasch
I hope this has been helpful,
Joyce Willis, MC, CPC
© 2004 AskTheInternetTherapist.com. |
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