Dear L,
Marriage is important,
marriage
is love, marriage is sacred, but most importantly marriage is a practical
relationship, business, and partnership. We have all been taught that
the important thing is love. If we love someone then we were meant to
be with them. Love makes all things better. Love will find a way. “All
you need is love.”
It really would be
nice if that were the case. Marriage would be so much easier. The feeling
of romantic love is certainly the initial attraction and glue to a budding
relationship. It brings people together, makes them care, and promotes
the desire to mate. It is important stuff.
However, mature love
is something that comes later. It can only develop if a person loves themselves.
It also can only develop by knowing someone for a long time. It is more
action and less feeling. It is something that is very rare in marriage.
Most marriages are about the feeling of love, which often means selfishness.
A person loves another person because it makes them feel good more than
caring about the person and their needs and feelings.
What makes a marriage
work is maturity and self-love. If we take care of ourselves for the most
part and we care about ourselves we need very little from our respective
partners. When that is the case we are less selfish in our love and have
much more to give to the beloved. This creates less pressure on the relationship.
When a partner feels wanted and not pressured they find it much easier
to care unselfishly as well and therefore are more willing to give. Then
compromises are not viewed as surrender. Rather they are willing gifts
of affection.
The other skills essential
to a marriage are mostly practical. When people have for the most part
the same beliefs, values, and goals they are more compatible partners.
This does not mean that people have to be the same. It is impossible as
well as rather unattractive. But it is helpful to match rather easily.
Unfortunately, it is very possible to feel affection for someone with
whom you have nothing in common or the goals don’t match up. This
often results in endless fighting where both partners are trying to win
or create similarity that can not exist.
It is also important
to respect and value differences of opinions and temperament. Mature couples
realize that there needs to be an appropriate mix between a good fit and
respect for the individual and their differences. Good communication is
a must. Negotiating skills are imperative. These are relationship skills
and partner skills. They are also the skills that are needed in a business
and marriage is definitely a business.
Really caring for
someone is a prerequisite of a good marriage, but ask yourself seriously
if the practical aspects of the relationship will work. If you both can
grow in these areas and match up then work hard at it. If not, all the
affection in the world will not be enough and that is when it makes sense
to say enough is enough. Good luck and I hope things work out no matter
what you choose.
Jef Gazley, M.S.,
LMFT, DCC
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