Sample Email 14 - When Is It Time To Let My Marriage Go?

By Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

Dear L,

Marriage is important, marriage is love, marriage is sacred, but most importantly marriage is a practical relationship, business, and partnership. We have all been taught that the important thing is love. If we love someone then we were meant to be with them. Love makes all things better. Love will find a way. "All you need is love."

It really would be nice if that were the case. Marriage would be so much easier. The feeling of romantic love is certainly the initial attraction and glue to a budding relationship. It brings people together, makes them care, and promotes the desire to mate. It is important stuff.

However, mature love is something that comes later. It can only develop if a person loves themselves. It also can only develop by knowing someone for a long time. It is more action and less feeling. It is something that is very rare in marriage. Most marriages are about the feeling of love, which often means selfishness. A person loves another person because it makes them feel good more than caring about the person and their needs and feelings.

What makes a marriage work is maturity and self-love. If we take care of ourselves for the most part and we care about ourselves we need very little from our respective partners. When that is the case we are less selfish in our love and have much more to give to the beloved. This creates less pressure on the relationship. When a partner feels wanted and not pressured they find it much easier to care unselfishly as well and therefore are more willing to give. Then compromises are not viewed as surrender. Rather they are willing gifts of affection.

The other skills essential to a marriage are mostly practical. When people have for the most part the same beliefs, values, and goals they are more compatible partners. This does not mean that people have to be the same. It is impossible as well as rather unattractive. But it is helpful to match rather easily. Unfortunately, it is very possible to feel affection for someone with whom you have nothing in common or the goals don't match up. This often results in endless fighting where both partners are trying to win or create similarity that can not exist.

It is also important to respect and value differences of opinions and temperament. Mature couples realize that there needs to be an appropriate mix between a good fit and respect for the individual and their differences. Good communication is a must. Negotiating skills are imperative. These are relationship skills and partner skills. They are also the skills that are needed in a business and marriage is definitely a business.

Really caring for someone is a prerequisite of a good marriage, but ask yourself seriously if the practical aspects of the relationship will work. If you both can grow in these areas and match up then work hard at it. If not, all the affection in the world will not be enough and that is when it makes sense to say enough is enough. Good luck and I hope things work out no matter what you choose.

Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

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