Sample Email 19 - Parenting. How Can I Get Her Help?

By Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

Dear S.,

It certainly sounds as if your fiancée's mother is troubled. From your description though I cannot really guess in exactly what way. Some chemical disorder might be the cause of her inward and outward rage, but there are many other possibilities as well. Depending on her age she could be going through a difficult menopause. It is also possible that she has had a traumatic life and is reacting to that.

The problem you have is how best to reach her. I can only talk about the laws of the State Of Arizona, but the commitment laws are very stringent here and I believe everywhere else in the United States. The only way that someone can be committed for treatment against their will is if they have a major mental disorder at the time of their observation by the mental health staff. This means Major Depression or Schizophrenia or related disorders. The person has to be severely delusional or be suffering from auditory or visual hallucinations, which is hearing voices or seeing things that others can't. This can not be related to using drugs and alcohol. In fact if chemicals are being used the authorities usually will not commit.

The second condition is that the person in question has to be proved to be a life-threatening threat to themselves or someone else in the recent past. This has to be witnessed by two people. If someone says they are going to kill someone with only one witness this is not enough.

Even if you are able to get this person committed they will be in the hospital for a three day period for observation only. Then there will be a court case to decide if the person should be forced into treatment. If so, then they could be committed for anywhere between 30 and 90 days. At the end of this time another court case would be instituted to either let the person out or give them further time.

The reasons that the law is written this way is that earlier in the century there was a lot of abuse in terms of committing people. It was an all too frequent way for families to displace a rich family member and get control over the finances. Now the laws have swung so far over the other way that it is almost impossible to get appropriate care for someone who is really in danger.

As I read your e-mail I don't see anything that would meet these criteria. If I had to guess I would wonder more whether she was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but there is no way for me to know for sure with the lack of detail. She does sound very destructive to personal relationships. I would focus on trying to see if you can communicate in a way that might reach her. You might also talk to your fiancée and ask him to be firmer with her.

I wish you luck because this does seem to be a difficult situation without easy answers. Take care.

Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

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