 Dear T,
The art of parenting is indeed complicated, and there are many conflicting professional opinions on the subject of sleep. In the past century, as our culture grew increasingly materialistic, an emphasis on independent infant and toddler sleep became reinforced. Children's sleeping with their parents was seen as a sign of poverty, suggesting that a family could not afford to give their young children rooms of their own. Many doctors had even discouraged sleep-sharing parenting by suggesting that mothers may roll over their children and smother them, or that fathers would be tempted to inappropriately touch their children in the night. Evidence does exist, however, stating that his puritanistic approach to parenting is inappropriate and, in some cases, harmful to the psychological well-being of the child.
Traditional attachment parenting advocates that infants sleep with their mothers, allowing breastfeeding to occur throughout the night with little or no disruption to the natural sleep cycle. Single fathers have engaged in this parenting practice to reduce the separation anxiety of their children due to death or divorce. Modern fathers have even adopted this practice as a way to take a more active parenting role with their children.
As the infant ages, sleep-sharing may continue due to its many benefits. The child's sense of safety is reassured; important, especially during the toddler years as she experiences anxiety dreams, night terrors or fear of the dark. Evidence suggests that a child's breathing patterns are regulated by the natural rising and falling of her father's own chest. In an age where children are spending more of their awakening hours outside of the home - in day care centers, schools or with baby sitters - sleep-sharing will allow the father and daughter time to develop a balanced male-female relationship. Finally, sleep sharing is a parenting plan that assures a basic need - everyone gets more sleep at night.
The question therefore remains, at what point should a toddler be encouraged to sleep on her own, in her own room? Although it is generally recommended to let the child decide when she is ready to sleep on her own, some children may need a more directive approach. In this case, a small mattress may be placed in the parents' bedroom alongside their own bed. The child can then be allowed to explore and get used to sleeping in her own space, while assured that her father is nearby if she needs him. Once she completes that transition, the bed can be moved farther and farther away from her father's room, until she is ultimately sleeping in her own bed, in her own room. If the child calls out to her father in the middle of the night, he can cuddle her until she returns to sleep, and then he should return to his room. This behavior will diminish as the child becomes accustomed to her room.
Assuming the child's father is not abusing substances that would alter his sense of reality, and that he is sleeping with his daughter in response to her request for security, there is no reason to believe that anything abusive may be happening. If, however, the 5-year-old girl begins to demonstrate any signs of sexual abuse - developmental regression, increase in sexualized behaviors, complaints of pain while toileting, increased aggression or decreased social interaction - I'd strongly encourage you to intervene and get both the child and her father psychological (and possibly medical) help.
I hope you find this helpful.
Audrey B. Jung, CPC, DCC, NCC
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