Ammends to the Self

By Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC

This is a 12-step ammends to the self from a former client of mine who graciously has allowed us to publish this. I was impressed with the poignancy of this ammend and thought it would be helpful to others.

Jef Gazley, M.S.,LMFT, DCC

Dear S,

This is my amends to you. I'm truly sorry that I have treated you so poorly both emotionally and physically for the last 28 years. I have poisoned your body with excessive alcohol use, drugs, and tobacco. Much of this abuse has stemmed from the fact that I always lead you to believe that you were not good enough. I let your childhood traumas and experiences create an intensified state of living in fear and self-pity. I let people take advantage of your kindness and generosity. I always put everyone else before your own needs. I let people think it was acceptable to ridicule and abuse you. I made poor choices in the women you dated because I believed you couldn't do any better. I subjected you to trying to fix someone else because I didn't know how to fix what was wrong with me. I let these sick, undeserving women abuse me, use me, and discard me like a piece of trash. When these women, who were not even in my league, rejected me, I internalized the rejection and let it destroy me. I let these sick women control me and strip me of my pride. I did not love you and I could not love anyone else. I did not respect you. I let my friends and lovers disrespect you. On more than one occasion, I tried to take your life away from you. I set myself up for rejection, by choosing impossible partners, and then I let this self-created rejection and failure convince me that life was not worth living. It is a sin to want to die. You are lovable S. You do not give yourself enough credit. You are a kind, genuine, considerate, honest, loyal "to the death," person that deserves a good life.

You are incredibly intelligent and talented. There is someone out there that thinks you are "the shit." Stop wasting your time with these losers so she can find you. Don't settle. You have picked "balcony" people and placed them in the "front row" all your life. As your amends to yourself, this ends now. You will not be lonely anymore. You will give to the fellowship. You will work on yourself and help your fellows with this terrible disease of alcoholism. God will put a deserving woman in your life when you are ready. You aren't there yet. You have let your fear of abandonment and rejection cripple you. As your amends, you will protect yourself against the bad ones, but you will love yourself and allow the right person to love you back when you meet her. God will help you with this. You have never given yourself a break in anything you do. Give yourself some credit. You work harder than most. Patience. God's time-not yours. Learn how to step back and smell the roses.

Sincerely,

S

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