The bad news is that it is inevitable to go through phases of loneliness, pain, stress, sadness? In addition, breakups, if they end badly, create a feeling of uncertainty that is not pleasant.
Sometimes you will feel for a long time as if you have unresolved issues with that person, we become emotionally attached to our loved ones and detachment can be a long and often painful process.
To overcome it you need to follow certain steps:
Allow yourself to feel the pain of the breakup , get all your emotions out and be kind to yourself, you will feel like you are on a roller coaster.
Accept that perhaps part of this pain will be physical, when we are in stressful situations, cortisol and adrenaline increase drastically, a situation that leads us to suffer insomnia, headaches, muscle stiffness, among others.
Take some time to distance yourself, to avoid relapses, you need to be at peace with the situation and have overcome your grief to see him/her again without reengaging.
Recognize what is your part of responsibility in this breakup and what is his part. Only from there will you be able to move forward and reflect on what attitudes or behaviors you do not want to repeat in order to build a healthier relationship in the future.
Finally, remember that you don't have to deal with this alone, we are here to support you and make you feel supported in the process.
We are coping together!
A person can achieve valuable objectives and, despite this, not feel comfortable with the goals accomplished. From this perspective, different limiting beliefs about success arise. For example, the professional relativizes his or her merits and, therefore, downplays his or her own talent. The way in which a human being is perceived by an outsider can be very different from the way he/she analyzes him/herself.
Some success stories show a repeated pattern. Despite the triumphs achieved, the professional lives with the feeling that at some point he will be caught in a major mistake. In other words, he fears that he is not prepared to face new challenges.
What happens when someone does not objectively recognize his or her own merits?
He has difficulty in assertively receiving praise, a positive caress or a compliment. When this situation is prolonged over time, the level of suffering increases for those who live with frequent tension. As a result, not only may someone not fully enjoy the work he or she is doing. They may also postpone projects or avoid certain situations.
Today's society is very competitive and it may happen that the level of personal demands is excessive. From this perfectionism, no achievement seems really relevant for those who focus more on their mistakes than on their successes. In order to consciously celebrate major objectives, we must first cultivate the art of valuing the smallest steps.
Every human being has strengths and weaknesses; however, those who suffer from the impostor syndrome attribute the positive events that have occurred in their career to luck. In other words, they do not objectively value their involvement, their perseverance or their talent.
From this point of view, the tendency towards comparison grows. The talent of others seems infinite. On the other hand, one's own abilities go unnoticed.
Why can psychological support help those who suffer from imposter syndrome?
Because the first step to overcome it is to identify the limiting beliefs that are repeated in an internal dialogue that is conditioned by fear. Fear of not being valuable enough, fear of not living up to others' expectations or fear of failure. And, while focusing on results, the person does not truly enjoy the process.
It is worth remembering that successes, like unmet goals, do not define a human being. But we feel deeply fragile when we identify with positive or negative outcomes that are ultimately changeable and temporary. That is, when we believe that these successes or failures say absolutely everything about ourselves.
Moreover, a failure is not definitive. There is always the possibility of trying again. However, those who suffer from imposter syndrome try to avoid the risk of error for fear of being discovered in their vulnerability.
Any scenario of personal or professional change requires a process of adaptation. In the initial stage of a new path, it is possible to feel a greater discomfort before a different scenario. But, as time goes by, this new scenario becomes familiar and close. Insecurity continues to accompany those who, as a consequence of the imposter syndrome, feel as if they are deceiving others in some important aspect.
]]>Some populations may be considered at risk and some circumstances may be considered risk factors, or potential triggers, for future suicidal behavior.
Prominent among these are mental illness, especially depression and schizophrenia. Personality disorders, especially borderline and antisocial disorders, and chronic disabling physical illnesses that produce biological and/or psychological vulnerability.
Prevention Approach
Suicide prevention can be approached in two ways:
High-risk population Psychiatric cases with a history of suicidal behavior, affective disorders, alcoholism, etc.
In these cases it is proposed:
* Optimize the treatment of mental disorders and ensure the personal integrity of the patient.
* To improve continuity of care and social and health care coordination in relation to patients at high risk of suicide, once they have been discharged from a psychiatric hospitalization unit, especially without interrupting therapeutic contact.
* To improve the psychiatric training of primary care physicians in order to achieve early care and effective treatment of patients affected by mental disorders that increase the incidence of suicidal behavior.
* Improve continuity of care and social-health care coordination for patients at high risk of suicide, once they have been discharged from a psychiatric inpatient unit, especially without interrupting therapeutic contact.
* To improve the psychiatric training of primary care physicians in order to achieve early care and effective treatment of patients affected by mental disorders that increase the incidence of suicidal behavior.
General Population:
* Inform the public about suicidal behaviors: prevalence, risk factors, behavioral disturbances, etc.
* Recommendations to the media to prevent the effect of imitation, especially among young people.
* Psychoeducation in civic, school and work centers on improving the quality of life and promoting health, learning resources or strategies for coping with stress, social skills, etc.
* Restructuring of the availability of means for suicide and security measures in places used by suicidal people.
* Actions on the consumption of alcohol and other drugs.
]]>The main symptom of anxiety disorders is anxiety or panic. Panic Attacks tend to be more discreet symptoms in a variable fashion, and GAD is more general in nature. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder shows itself most often in having irrational beliefs that a person cannot stop thinking about or compulsive activities aimed at relieving the obsessive thoughts. This does not relieve the problem. ADD is a learning disorder that shows itself in distractibility, impulsiveness, and at times hyperactivity or anxiety. Phobias are particular irrational fears. Tourette's Syndrome is the compulsion to scream out obscenities and or display facial grimaces. Trichotillomania is the compulsion of pulling ones hair or picking scabs.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is characterized by either obsessive thoughts or compulsive behavior and often shows itself in both symptoms. In fact, the ritualized compulsive behavior exhibited in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is usually a futile attempt to ease the anxiety of the obsessive thoughts. The person is usually aware that the thoughts are not reality based and also are aware that the repetitious behavior would have no way of taking care of the obsessions, but are unable to stop.
Often the fears are of dying or some other catastrophic event. Excessive hand washing to stave away germs, counting in a ritualized fashion to be safe, having to check whether the door is locked numerous times are all common compulsions. There is also a tendency to hoard things that are useless but felt to be vital. The person feels that their behavior makes no sense, but also feels that if they stopped the behavior something horrible would occur.
Both psychotherapy and chemical therapy are needed to resolve this issue. Therefore a psychiatrist and a therapist who specialize in this area would be helpful. Usually, an anti-depressant such as Paxil, Anafranil, or Luvox is used. Given the right combination of medication and psychotherapy, this condition can be treated effectively in a moderate amount of time. The newer medications are very effective compared to the medication that was available for clients several years ago.
All of the staff members of AskTheInternetTherapist.com are quite competent in working with this condition. Jef Gazley, M.S., LMFT, DCC has specialties in this area.
]]>Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder is characterized by the following symptoms according to the handbook that Psychiatrists and Psychologists use called the DSM-IV-TR:
A person suffering from MPD or Dissociative Identity Disorder may have only two separate personalities or 10. They might be partially aware of the other personalities or not. Often the other personalities or what is called alters have separate names and/or separate genders.
The origin or cause of MDP or Dissociative Identity Disorder is most commonly due to massive physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse when a person is very young. The abuse is so overwhelming for the individual that in order to mentally and emotionally block out the pain a person will dissociate to such an extent that they will develop a separate ego state to experience it while what we think of as the real person blocks out memory.
The goal of treatment is to get the person suffering from MPD or Dissociative Identity Disorder to re-experience all their split off parts and to accept them as part of the person. Then it is important to relive the trauma and integrate it into their lives devoid of the original pain.
]]>They vary, however, in length of condition and severity. There is also a distinction made between Situational Depressive Episode, which comes about due to life stresses ~ and Endogenous Depression, which is caused by a low amount of neurotransmitters ( brain chemicals ). To a large degree, this is usually genetic.
Symptoms of depression are:
Depressive conditions, regardless of type, are usually treated with psychotherapy (counseling), and if serious enough, with medication. The medication is called an anti-depressant and works on the neurotransmitters. They include Elavil, Triavil, Imipramine, Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Anafranil, Luvox, and Effexor.
The medication often needs to be taken for 9 months to 2 ½ years and some people need to take them for their entire life. They are all rather safe, but sometimes have side effects like all medications. These include dry mouth, anxiety, headaches, weight fluctuation, and temporary sexual problems such as lack of libido (desire).
]]>In the available studies, it has been found that from 14% to 33% of individuals who have been exposed to severe trauma have been found to have Acute Stress Disorder (DSM-IV-TR pg. 463). You may experience a feeling of hopelessness, or overwhelming despair in which case it is wise to consider whether or not you are depressed. Impulsivity and risk-taking behavior is often present after the trauma has been experienced. Because of some of the symptoms of Acute Stress Disorder, you may not even realize that you are experiencing a residual affect of the trauma; you may not want to talk about it to anyone. You may think you have processed the trauma, but, in reality, you may be unable to recognize that you do need professional help in working through the incident.
At least three of the following dissociative symptoms must be present while experiencing the traumatic event, or after the event:
Following the trauma, the traumatic event is persistently reexperienced and lasts for a minimum of 2 days and a maximum of 4 weeks after the traumatic event.
People who suffer from Acute Stress Disorder find it difficult to be emotionally responsive. They no longer find pleasure in activities they once enjoyed and often feel guilty about pursuing usual life tasks. It is difficult to concentrate when you are experiencing Acute Stress Disorder. You may even feel detached from your body, or think that your world is unreal or dreamlike. People often lose recollection of details surrounding the traumatic event which is called dissociative amnesia. Perhaps you are persistently reexperiencing the event through flashbacks, or dreams, or thoughts that recur. Maybe you avoid places or people or activities that remind you of the traumatic event. You might have difficulty sleeping, or concentrating, and you may be irritable or have an exaggerated startle response. There may be agitation or overactivity (a flight reaction of fugue). Sweating and flushing are often present and perhaps signs of panic anxiety may also be demonstrated.
Finding help is important as left unchecked, Acute Stress Disorder could progress to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
What is the difference between Acute Stress Disorder and PSTD?
ASD differs in that there are more dissociative symptoms (numbing, reduced awareness, depersonalization, derealization, or amnesia). Acute Stress Disorder is the immediate reaction to trauma. If left untreated, it could develop into PTSD. Cognitive behavioral interventions have proven quite successful in the treatment of Acute Stress Disorder. Because there is no closure in a tragedy or traumatic event, a caring, trusted, and trained professional counselor is the best equipped individual to help a victim process the clinical symptoms and profound feelings of Acute Stress Disorder.
Kathleen R. Madison, MRC, CRC, LPCI
]]>1) attention span
2) perseverance
3) judgment
4) organization
5) impulse control
6) self-monitoring and supervision
7) problem solving
8) critical thinking
9) forward thinking
10) learning from experience
11) ability to feel and express emotions
12) interaction with the limbic system
13) empathy
Whenever there is a problem with this part of the brain, a number of skills that many human beings take for granted would not be available in any optimal way. The following are problems that develop when the prefrontal cortex is affected:
1) Short attention span
2) distractibility
3) lack of perseverance
4) impulse control problems
5) hyperactivity
6) chronic lateness and poor time management
7) disorganization
8) procrastination
9) unavailability of emotions
10) misperceptions
11) poor judgment
12) trouble learning from experience
13) short-term memory loss
14) social and test anxiety
The exact neurological problem with ADD is unknown at this time. However SPECT scans, single photon emission computed tomography, which measures cerebral blood flow and metabolic activity patterns, has shown that when someone with ADD concentrates, their prefrontal lobe activity decreases significantly. This essentially means that under stress and concentration someone with these disorders cannot bring to bear their full cognitive capacity.
It is theorized that our usual ability to screen out and attend to stimuli of our choice is impaired with these individuals. I like to think of it as going to the mall during the summer. It is too bright and there are too many people around, but it is not overwhelming. However, at Christmas time after a couple of hours at the mall people are so over-stimulated that it is hard to find the car. People with ADD feel this way almost all the time.
There are five recommended courses of treatment for someone with ADD or ADHD. Physicians often give an antidepressant such as Wellbutrin and Strattera, which tends to calm the limbic system and increase dopamine, a neurotransmitter. In my experience, this can be helpful but stimulants, the second course, seem to do a better job. Stimulants given in small doses, so the mood alteration is minimal, act in a paradoxical manner. This means that instead of accelerating a person they help to focus and calm them while still allowing the prefrontal lobe to remain active. They also seem to increase dopamine. This neurotransmitter is negatively affected with people suffering from ADD. The third regimen, a combination of an anti-depressant and a stimulant, seems to work best for most people suffering from most forms of ADD. The fourth treatment consists of teaching relaxation, stress-management, organizational, and socializing skills. This should always be included as part of treatment whether or not medication is used.
Another form of treatment is the naturopathic approach. There are many natural vitamins and supplements that if taken on a regular basis help someone with ADD and ADHD. These include regular chiropractic care, fish oil, L-tyrosine, GABA, and St. John’s Wort, but none of these work as a primary treatment as the stimulants do. For many years the naturopathic community has claimed that they can cure the condition, but this simply has not occurred. There is one homeopathic, amino acid, and herbal remedy that has been shown to be just as effective as the stimulants in head to head trials at the Amen Clinic called ADD-care®. ADD-care® met or exceeded the performance of the stimulants in several SPECT brain images and the Conner’s ADD impulsivity test. ADD-care® is the only true alternative to the stimulants.
There are numerous misconceptions about Attention Deficit Disorder and a lot of emotional fervor about the diagnosis. It reminds me of the debate over Prozac several years ago or whether or not Alcoholism is a disease or a moral defect. It is understandable that people worry about giving young children a mood-altering drug. However, any time medication is considered as an approach, the physician needs to carefully assess both the costs of the benefits and the severity of the problem. Most medication difficulties with ADD result from mismanagement. When the appropriate amount of medication is used with ADD the benefits are immense and the cost is minimal. A person’s life changes dramatically for the better. It is as if for the first time a person can think clearly and their self-esteem soars.
There is still a tendency in this country to feel that people need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps regardless of the severity of the problem. They are often blamed for their own illness. This often happens to those with ADD.
True ADHD is rather easy to diagnose. However, only in the last ten years was ADD inattentive type recognized. This diagnosis is hard to spot and often is characterized by a general spacyness and inability to track conversations. It also used to be common knowledge that children were the only ones to suffer from this disorder and that once they became 14 they grew out of it. What is more common is that in the normal course of experimentation with drugs and alcohol a person with this disorder finds amphetamines and becomes addicted to them. Almost the right drug, wrong dose! Most people do not grow out of the disease. Interestingly enough, even with hard-core Methadrine addicts, if they are put on a small dose of Adderall they thrive and it does not reactivate the addictive process.
Dr. Daniel G. Amen is the acknowledged leader in the field for the study of Attention Deficit Disorder. He has expanded the classifications of this condition within the last two years from the standard two types of Hyperactive and Inattentive by adding four more distinct types of ADD. He has done this by exhaustive research and has been aided by the SPECT scan, which is a sophisticated brain scanning tool that measures and clearly shows what part of the brain is most active. What is most impressive about his work is that he stresses the need for a multi-treatment approach. This includes attention to diet, exercise, vitamins, supplements, traditional psychotropic drugs, and behavioral techniques.
In “Healing ADD” Dr. Amen lists the six types of ADD as
1) Classic hyperactive,
2) Inattentive,
3) Over focused,
4) Temporal,
5) Limbic, and
6) Ring of Fire.
Each of these types has much in common, but also differences in symptoms and treatment.
All of the types of ADD have as their primary feature periodic impairment of the prefrontal cortex of the brain and dopamine involvement. Classic ADD is characterized by both hyperactivity and inattentiveness. It is usually quite easy to treat by a combination of a high protein diet, aerobic exercise, a stimulant such as Adderall or Ritalin, and possibly the supplement of L-Tyrosine. Often an anti-depressant is used as well.
Inattentive ADD lacks the hyperactivity, but people who suffer from it have a difficult time focusing and are often very scattered. As with the classic type the prefrontal cortex is involved. The treatment for inattentive ADD is usually exactly the same as the classic type.
Over-focused ADD exhibits the same prefrontal cortex symptoms and problems as with classic and inattentive ADD, but the difference is that the sufferer of over-focused often cannot break away from a thought or behavior. This is because the cingulate system of the brain is overactive and often locks a person into self-destructive, negative, or repetitive behavior. Often a stimulant will cause temper problems if used alone. Therefore, it is usually helpful to have the person take an anti-depressant first and only later to add the stimulant. Another possible treatment is to use St. Johns Wort, a natural herbal anti-depressant, but it is important not to use both a traditional and an herbal anti-depressant at the same time. The other forms of treatment such as diet and exercise is the same as the first two types of ADD.
Temporal ADD is still characterized by problems with the prefrontal cortex, but the temporal area of the brain is often affected. This could be from a previous head injury, but not necessarily. All the symptoms remain the same, but often extreme bouts of anger are also included. The treatment for this type is usually a stimulant and an anti-convulsant such as Depekote. All other treatment is the same except the following supplements can be used: GABA, Ginkgo Biloba, or Vitamin E.
Limbic ADD is when the limbic area of the brain is affected in addition to the prefrontal cortex. This type of ADD has the symptoms of inattentive ADD, but a significant amount of depression is also present. A stimulant and an anti-depressant are indicated. Aerobic exercise is needed, but often a complex carbohydrate and protein mixed diet is indicated. The following supplements are used: SAMe or L-tyrosine.
Ring of Fire ADD is a very disorganized and severe form of ADD that is a combination of all the other types. The entire brain is lit up on a SPECT scan. In addition to the standard treatment of a stimulant and an anti-depressant, an anti-psychotic like Respiridal is often called for. Dietary and exercise treatment is the same as in inattentive type. The following supplements are possibly needed: GABA or Omega-3. Other supplements that have been found helpful with ADD in general are Zinc, Flax seed oil, and Serephos.
]]>Dr. Scott Walker developed NET™ in the early 1980's. Dr. Walker is a chiropractor by training, who uses Applied Kinesiology or AK. AK is based on Chinese Medicine, acupuncture and the Meridian System. Chinese medicine is concerned with the body's need for balance or homeostasis. If the Chi or energy of the body is in balance then it is assumed that the body will be able to cure itself and run at top efficiency. Practitioners do this by testing acupressure or acupuncture points in the body, which are divided up into 12 main Meridian Systems. These Meridian Systems are named for the main organs of the body such as the Lung Meridian or the Liver Meridian. Each of these systems is correlated with particular emotions. The lung meridian is associated with grief and sorrow and the liver meridian with anger and resentment.
pplied Kinesiology tests the Chi or energy by taking a strong indicator muscle, any strong muscle, and asking the client or patient to lock their muscle as the practitioner tries to challenge the strength of that muscle by pushing or pulling the area to see if it will hold. The practitioner might ask a client to hold their arm straight out in front of them and lock it while the clinician with an open hand firmly pushes down on the arm right above the wrist. This checks to see if the arm will hold. Almost any major muscle will work for muscle testing.
The body consists of water and electricity. It is believed that muscle testing checks to see if the muscle has enough electricity in it to hold. It appears that Chi is essentially the same as this electricity. Dr. Goodheart, the father of Applied Kinesiology, first demonstrated therapy localization. Therapy localization occurs when you test a strong muscle alone or in the clear and then touch another part of the patients' body to test if a change of muscle strength occurs. If it does then dysfunction is assumed to be present in the localized area.
Chiropractors who practice AK routinely test or challenge a vertebra in the neck or the back, and if the muscle goes weak then they can assume that the vertebra is misaligned or out of position in the spine. They then put the vertebra back in and retest. When the muscle is strong it is assumed the vertebra is back in alignment. The client routinely reports feeling much better.
Dr. Walker adapted and built on Dr. Goodhearts' work by applying AK to the emotions. Emotions are energy. Emotions can be tested through the electrical system of the body. Therefore, if a muscle tests strong in the clear and then the NET™ recipient thinks of some issue that is upsetting, that previously strong muscle will become weak. Dr. Walker believes that what he is testing is the "emotional reality" of the body. This means that theoretically if a person believes an untruth his muscle testing will be consistent with that belief.
However, the emotional belief of a client, at least when they are not psychotic, is usually consistent with reality. Therefore, if a person says "My name is Sam" and his name is Sam, a muscle test of that statement will be congruent and will hold strong. The reverse is equally true. A clinician can now test how a person is feeling even if they do not consciously know how they are feeling. A therapist can now trace present feelings and problems a person is suffering from, and discover if there is an original trauma or feeling that the present problem or feeling is reactivating.
This essentially means that Dr. Walker has found the royal road to the subconscious. The ramifications of this discovery cannot be overstated. There has never been a better diagnostic indicator for subconscious reality. In my experience working with trauma survivors and children who have grown up in these environments, this technique is essential for a full recovery.
These populations usually show a tremendous amount of dissociation. This essentially means that consciously they often do not know how they feel. NET™ accurately diagnoses the feelings that a client is having and the client then often reports congruence with that previously dissociated set of feelings. Then it releases it from the body by tapping on a few vertebrae that are related to the particular Meridian System that is associated with the emotion. Usually at that point several things occur. The client reports subjectively 1) A lessening of that particular feeling state that was bothering them 2) A feeling of relief and 3) Less dissociation in general and more overall integration.
NET™ seems to work in several ways:
While all of these are good reasons to become proficient in NET™, with trauma work and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder this technique is a must. PTSD is so pervasive and the symptoms are attached so securely to the body, that unless some relief to the physical part of the trauma is attained the client will remain in great distress. Neuro Emotional Technique™ is a welcome addition to a clinician specializing in this section of the field.
If you want to learn more about NET™, visit NetMindBody.com
The term 'recovering from a broken heart' usually means that there are still strong feelings and attachments to the person you once loved and whom you depended on. It also may tend to imply that the breakup was not the outcome you desired, leaving you feeling some form of powerlessness. There is probably some underlying message that somehow you've failed or that you may not have been good enough in some way.
Those who have faced an ending to an important relationship with someone they loved, and perhaps still love very much, can certainly relate to an aftermath of sadness, grief, disorientation, self-doubt, and often a temporary feeling of depression and despair.
It takes time for your heart to mend, which usually involves a time of thinking through and reliving all the shared experiences. It takes time to re-evaluate your choices from beginning to end, to look for clues that may not have been apparent at the time. This can mean weeks or months and even years for some, of feeling waves of emotion as your mind revisits experiences that keep getting triggered by your daily activities.
One of the most difficult parts of breaking up is getting through the initial shock, sadness and loss. Even those who feel that it was their choice to end the relationship go through a period of feeling lost and confused without their former partner. After all, life has changed drastically and quickly!
It's important not to misinterpret the pain you're feeling as a sign that you did something wrong when the relationship came to an end. Most people tend to feel that they are in more pain than the other person. It's a natural part of the healing process to feel this and it means that you are now focused on yourself and what you need, instead of thinking in terms of the other person's needs. Allow yourself time to engage in recognition of your pain and your loss.
You may have read rule-of-thumb statements similar to one that goes "It takes as much time to heal as the time involved in the relationship." In my experience this has not been a fact for most people. The deepness and dependence on the relationship is often rooted in unfulfilled needs from childhood. What seems like a brief relationship may take a year to heal, where a long-term relationship may end and be processed in a relatively short time. There are no real rules for how much time it takes, but it's a good idea to seek help if the time seems extensive and protracted, beyond what would seem a normal time to each person, or if there seems to be no progress in the healing.
If you want to see how that progress is going for you, watch for these steps and work on getting through each one completely.
This may be the hardest step. When you care for another person, over time, you blend your energies in the form of hopes, dreams, plans and expectations with that person. When the relationship ends, you go through a process of individuation, pulling back and reclaiming yourself and your evolved identity. This can feel for a time like part of you is actually missing. Even if you want someone out of your life, the ending of the pattern of familiarity leaves a feeling that you are not whole for a time. Your mind is searching to rebuild the feeling of independence you once knew, while incorporating the development which has taken place during the time you were involved in the relationship.
Because of the newness, the strangeness, and the confusion of your mind during this time, you may experience a period of tearfulness, hopelessness, and not feeling joy. You may not feel like socializing or eating, and you may experience physical symptoms such as an aching in the pit of your stomach. You may feel loneliness even in the presence of close friends. It's interesting to note that these symptoms are similar to those reported from people recovering from drug, food and alcohol addiction in the earliest stages. It's normal during this step to feel sorry for yourself as you review many painful memories. People experience strong longings to return to the situation that has ended, to prevent or stop the emotional and mental processing of this first step. It's a longing for the familiar and the ensuing confusion that drives people at this time to want it to be over.
Allow yourself to feel sorry for your loss. This means allowing tears, feelings of loss and wanting to be alone for a time. If you ignore these feelings or try to distract yourself, they will only remain for a longer period. Cry about it, write about it, talk about it with a therapist or close friend who will listen without judging.
After an initial period of grieving and mourning your loss, make a commitment to begin to get back to re-building other connections which you may have neglected while you were part of a couple and through your grieving period. Begin to make plans with old friends, sign up for a class to make new friends, plan a gathering at your home or have one at the home of a friend. Only schedule part of your time with others, and use some constructive alone time to continue the review of the past relationship. Your mind needs to find answers to your questions. You may need to do research to gain the understanding you need, and/or talk to a professional to do some soul searching. You'll want to know if you lost something positive in your life, or something that was negative and needed changing even before the actual breakup.
Based on what you will learn about the past experience, you can begin to build a listing of what you want in your future. That evaluation can help move your mind from the past to the future, where hope exists. The only part of life you can control is what you think and do today, and what you make plans for in your future.
Practice healthy avoidance. Avoid seeing or interacting with your former partner, avoid excess in the use of alcohol, food, and medications. You may think you are reducing emotional pain, but you are actually setting up to continue it for a longer time. Calling him/her to relieve the pain is simply continuing the connection where your recovery will be destined to start over and over again.
Don't avoid feelings. Don't avoid what can really help, such as exercise (at the gym or maybe dancing), communication with friends, and reading.
When you find yourself free of thinking about your past relationship for a few hours at a time, you are starting to move from the hardest first step. You are now at a place that you can quantitatively measure your progress. Make a notation of each event, thought, or experience that makes you smile. Those can begin the new foundation you are building for yourself. You were there before, you are getting there again, almost as a reward for facing the hard work you have done up to this step.
You may even have periods where you are able to think of the past relationship in terms of being needed in your life for that specific period of time. You may find that you are becoming more philosophical and enlightened about the meaning of the past relationship. Look for new meaning each time your mind goes back to cover more details.
There is a phenomenon that most people find disconcerting for many months. You may feel that you're doing better, you're beginning to smile, and you may even have started feeling good enough to date again. Then, out of nowhere, you are hit with a flood of emotions! You think to yourself "I thought I was doing better than this, what’'s wrong with me?" Know that it is part of the process that can be looked at with a metaphor of the ocean and the waves coming in and out. Recovering from a relationship comes in waves that cover you, but as time goes on, the waves become more infrequent and have less power. Eventually, the tide will go out and not return, but during recovery from a breakup, understand that you have little control over the pattern and frequency. Don't lose sight of your path to find things and people who make you feel like smiling again.
Life is now returning to some semblance of normalcy. You'll find that you're able to concentrate, get excited by prospects of the future and you no longer feel as if you are in transition. You have returned to a place where you have your identity back, and you may be ready to date and get involved in a new relationship. You may have another path, such as working on your career for the time being. You'll find that your mind has found many answers to your questions that arose during the period of grief and that you have come to a settled place of feeling like you know what was wrong with the past relationship. Hopefully, you can find it comfortable to say with honesty - Nice person, bad match. Additionally you may honestly see why it was perfect for a time, but destined to be only for that specific period of your life. Your needs are changing all the time. Still, watch out for the occasional wave of memories.
When you get to this point, you're well on your way in your development of complete healing. You may have even talked about or seen your former partner, and the stinging pain was gone. You are involved and connected with friends and maybe in a new relationship. As time has gone on, you've re-evaluated what is important in your life and changed your list somewhat of what you want in a partner. It may have gotten longer or even shorter based on your previous experiences. You know now that you can and did recover and that if it ever happens in your future, you can depend on the strength you demonstrated to get you through the process again. No, of course you don't want it to happen again, but you also don't want to waste any time getting out of a relationship which is fundamentally over. Each relationship is giving you more information as the desired picture of your life comes into clear focus. Remind yourself that you survived before and you can do it whenever it is needed in the future.
_______________________________
Judith L. Allen, Ph.D. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor by the Texas State Boards and a State Board Registered Counselor by the Washington State Board. Originally from Los Angeles, Dr. Allen has been in practice for 25 years and has an active practice for Online Counseling and an office practice in Wenatchee, Washington, where she specializes in relationship and communication issues for adults and children. Judith may be reached at Judith@AskTheInternetTherapist.com
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