AskTheInternetTherapist Blog

Once you have been in a relationship for awhile, it is really easy to forget that we need to continue to actually put effort and WORK on the relationship. We do so much work at the beginning, getting things established, that we forget we need to continue the work to keep it going. Add in a kid or two, a full time job or two, a mortgage, housework, a yard to mow, and all of a sudden you become roommates who are just trying to get through the day.

How do you put the romance back into your relationship? How do you get reconnected? It takes some effort and some focus on your relationship from both parties. It may be awkward at first, especially if it has been a long time since you really connected emotionally. But everyone’s relationship needs some sparks. That is the fun part of being in a relationship. So lets bring back the fun! The more you play with your partner, the more connected you will be.

I wrote an email answer about this that i have posted below.

Hi Carol,

I feel I need suggestions to spice up our relationship.  I give my husband affection and don’t get much response.  I get a kiss in the morning and at bed and I love you.  But I want more affection and sex.  I feel we are in a rut and I don’t want to say I’m giving up but I don’t know what else to do.  I try talking about it and we have even gone on a vacation.  I feel we don’t even know what to talk about when we are alone.  I have read you don’t always want to talk about the kids when you are alone but I catch myself doing that for conversation. 

Thanks,

Wishing for Romance

Dear Wishing,

It is so easy to get into these ruts with our spouses. It seems like life gets in the way of keeping that romantic part of our relationships alive. I do think it is a good sign, though, that he is still kissing you and saying that he loves you. It is better than nothing and gives me a clue that he is still interested in being together with you. My guess is that he doesn’t realize that he needs to do more, or doesn’t know how or what he should be doing to show you he loves you.

I give you credit for at least attempting to do something about this. Talking is definitely the first step. However, it can be very awkward when you aren’t used to talking about this sort of stuff. When you have been disconnected for so long, it is like having to get to know each other all over again. That is why it is so hard to find things to talk about when you are alone. You don’t have life interrupting to take your focus off of each other and you are left with the feelings of being disconnected, even when you are sitting right next to each other. That is also why the vacation didn’t work, because even though it seemed like a good idea to go away together, you weren’t forced to confront your relationship. You had the traveling and sites to see and logistics get in the way of actually spending time connecting.

A heart to heart conversation is the place to start and it should be one without the distractions, where you can express how serious you are and how much you love him and want to reconnect with him. He may not realize how disconnected you have become and may need ideas on how to reconnect. He may need instructions on how to give you more affection.  Try to talk more for other reasons than what we are having for dinner. When you feel yourself itching to talk about the kids or what needs to be done at home, catch yourself and try to focus only on him and on your relationship. Again, it will feel awkward because you are used to filling that blank space with other topics that ease the tension between you. But what you are really doing is letting the both of you off the hook from having to deal with that vulnerable space. If you allow yourself to sit in that uncomfortable place you might be surprised what you find. It will help you push through that wall that has developed between you and your husband.

Some other things to try is to pretend that you don’t know each other and need to get to know each other all over again. Try to forget that you know everything about his childhood and try to forget that his mother hates you (J) and try to relearn things about him and him about you. Try to remember what attracted you to him in the first place. Flirt with him. Call him at work just to say hi, leave him little notes to say “I love you”. Find ways to show him how much you appreciate him and all of his hard work. Start touching him more, not in a sexual way, but in a connecting way. Touch his arm when you talk to him, give him a hug when he comes home, brush up against him in a fun playful way. Finding ways to have fun together will increase your sense of connection with him.  If you do this after you have talked with him about wanting to reconnect, he will be much more likely to respond positively.

Find ways to express your commitment to him and your trust in him. The more you either verbalize or show your commitment to him, the more comfortable he will be and the more vulnerable you can both become. The more vulnerability between a couple in their relationship, the more connection and bonding will occur.

You can’t wait for him to take the initiative on these things. You have a lot of power in this relationship to make things different. Don’t underestimate the impact little changes can make. It can be the difference between a happily married couple and divorce. If you get stuck in any of the above or aren’t getting the results you think you should be getting, I would recommend some couples counseling to help you over the rough spots so that you can reconnect again. Marriage takes work, but its rewards are well worth it!

Good Luck and Happy Marriage to YOU!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com

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I recently received a question about someone’s current couples therapy and her feelings of the sessions being one sided. It was a great question and reminds us that counselors are human and need feedback too. If you feel uncomfortable or don’t like the direction your counseling is going, now is the time to tell that to your counselor. The most important part of the counseling process is the relationship between the client and the counselor and if you aren’t feeling heard or understood, you need to do something about that. You are in charge of your sessions and what you want to get out of them. If you are not getting what you need, let your therapist know and hopefully they will address your concerns and the relationship will get better.

here is the question and my answer:

Dearest Carol,

Me and my boyfriend of on and off for 7 yrs started seeing a therapist months ago for couples therapy. He started seeing her alone a few months ago. I am feeling really uncomfortable with this because they are previewing our serious issues before i even get in there and get a chance to say my side. I notice that it doesn’t seem to be an equal session anymore. I try to talk about my concerns and they seem to be getting pushed aside and more focused on what he has said about me prior. I am looking for some advice on this. I am really upset and things are not going well. Thank you.

Concerned about our Therapy

Dear Concerned,

I am proud of you for reaching out for help as a couple! That is a great first step.

I also think you have a right to be concerned. As a couple’s therapist, your therapist has to work extra hard to make sure she is being fair to both sides. There are times when individual counseling is warranted with one or both of the parties to help them work through their own personal issues that get in the way of the couple. However, when the therapist does that they must be even More careful not to take sides. It sounds like that is what is happening here. I would suggest you confront your therapist on how you are feeling and see what their reaction is. If she blows you off, I would be looking for a new therapist as you will never get a fair shake with her. If she listens respectfully and addresses the concern, you are probably ok continuing as she will hopefully make more effort to be more fair. You may want to schedule some individual sessions of your own so that she can get to know you and your side of the story better. Therapists are human and can make mistakes as well, so if you are not happy with your services, speak up and do something about it. Ultimately, you are the consumer of a service and are in charge of your treatment.

Hope that helps.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.AskTheInternetTherapist.com

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Couples counseling can be so beneficial to so many people. The problem is that people often wait to long before asking for help. Often by the time they start thinking about couples counseling, they are often headed for divorce. I think that if people would take advantage of the wonderful services of couples counseling BEFORE they hurt and wound eachother beyond recognition, there would be a lot less divorce.

Men and women really do think and act differently and so many times it is tough to understand why your partner does the things they do. Couples counseling can help you both understand what motivates the other to say and do the things they do. It can also help you both learn to communicate so that the other hears you better and more clearly. So many issues and emotions get wrapped up in a couples’ communication pattern that it is really easy to get stuck and really difficult to get unstuck. Without help, people end up in ruts where they get so frustrated they want to pull out their hair. That is when they start thinking “Why am I doing this?” and that is the first step toward divorce.

So take the time, make the investment in your relationship. Couples counseling is way cheaper than a divorce or alimony or child support and much less truamatic to all involved.

You can even do couples counseling online! It works great on the phone or in the chat room, or even with video (web cam)!

I wrote an email response for ABC’s radio website Todays Best hits about a wife talking with her husband about how she felt about his behavior toward her.
You can check it out at http://www.todaysbesthits.com/thetherapistisin.asp

My webpage is http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor

Parenting is such a hugh topic. There are so many things and questions you can have about parenting. Parenting is something you really learn as you do it. It doesn’t matter how many books you have read or trainings you have been to, there are always going to be situations where you aren’t sure what to do. Then when you think you have a handle on things the child continues to grow and you are onto whole new issues, or you have another child and they are completely different and respond completely differently than your first child.

I think the best we can do is to try our best, which includes asking for help when we get stuck. Read books, go to trainings, learn as much as you can about other people’s experiences. Those things will definitely help. But also don’t be afraid to bounce things off of someone else. Things from your childhood usually get triggered when parenting, which can skew how you look at the situation. You may differ in parenting styles from your partner, which can cause much stress and problems in your marriage. Parenting is such an important job. We are creating the future leaders and followers and peacemakers and terrorists (hopefully not! That is probably what happenes when people don’t care about their kids). It is worth it to give it our best effort and do the best job we can.

Therapists can be great resources for advice about parenting. The huge percentage of my everyday work is dealing with parenting issues, of babies, kids, teenagers, even grown children may still need parenting. The parent’s job is never done! So the next time you get stuck in trying to decide how to handle that temper tantrum, or can’t get your kid to stay in bed, or your son is getting bullied at school, or your teenager is using drugs, or you have stepfamily issues, or your grown son won’t move out, please take the time and make the investment in the most important job you will ever have. Ask for help.

You can find my webpage at

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor

Counseling has gotten a stigma over the years. Some people feel embarressed to go to counseling or feel a sense of failure if they have to ask for help. However, I believe that every one of us can benefit from counseling. You don’t have to be mentally ill or have a diagnosis to get benefits out of counseling. Everyone can benefit from someone to talk things over with. Someone to help you weigh out the pros and cons of a big decision, or simply just to get feedback on how to live your best life. Often times we get into our heads too much and our thinking gets distorted. By talking to an unjudgemental person about these thoughts can help you get them straight.

Most of us have relationship issues that could use a third party opinion from time to time and if you don’t have relationships, that is an issue, too, that you probably need to look at. I can think of lots of times with my husband that were very frustrating to me and it was helpful to have a person to talk to about those frustrations and how to regain the intimacy that we lost.

Parenting is definitely a trial by error practice and counseling can be a great source of ideas and suggestions and ways to figure out why this technique isn’t working. Lots of people don’t think of counseling to help with parenting problems until their child is way out of control. The sooner you get help, the better your child will be. It is much easier to solve that problem when the child is 5 and not 15. However, there are things that can help at 15 as well, you may just have to work harder.

I would love to hear your comments or questions about when is a good time to get some counseling.

You can write your comments here or email me at

carol@asktheinternettherapist.com

here is my homepage: http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor

Welcome to AskTheInternetTherapist blog! I am Carol Agnew, marriage and family therapist on the site. I have been a counselor for 10 years and have been doing online counseling for 4 years. I am married and have two kids.
I will be talking here about all kinds of relationship issues, mental health issues like depression, bipolar disorder, self-esteem, parenting problems, and lots more.

You can see my page at http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

you can also email me at carol@asktheinternettherapist.com

I look forward to talking with you soon!

Carol