AskTheInternetTherapist Blog

Once again, I find my thoughts drifting around while I sit in the rocking chair rocking Calen to sleep. Tonight I find myself reflecting on how this week I have been frustrated with all of the “shoulds” in life. For example, I should eat my vegetables, I should only drink water, I should be exercising, I should be nice to my neighbor who annoys me, I should take a shower, even I should brush my teeth. Then I want to be a little bit defiant and NOT do what I Should be doing. The word “should” itself actually means a recommendation/advice, obligation, expectation, so it is like some great authority figure telling you how to live your life.

What I have found is that when I start feeling burdened by the “shoulds” in my life, that it is a red flag for me to realize that 1.) I am probably overwhelmed, 2.) I am not taking care of myself, and 3.) depression is right around the corner and easily slipped into. For me, the “shoulds” that I resent the most are the ones around self-care and when I get to the point that even brushing my teeth seems like a chore, I know it is time to make some changes. I have also realized that when I don’t make time and space for that self-care, I become resentful of the “shoulds” outside of me, like responding to my children’s needs, or becoming resentful that I have to get up and go to work. If I get to that point that is a sure sign that depression has hit and I need to take immediate action.

But what kind of action can an overworked, overwhelmed, mom of 3 take that simply doesn’t just get added to the “should” list? That is probably a slightly different answer for everyone, but for me, it means reaching out to my friends, my family, my support network and if I have let it go too long, it is time for a therapist. I have to readjust my thinking that such self-care things as simple as showering and brushing one’s teeth is not a “should” but a “Must”. I Must take care of myself first. I have to readjust my thinking to knowing that I am Worth the time and effort of basic self-care. Shoot. I am WORTH the time and effort of advanced self-care. When I make myself shower, I always feel better and sometimes I even allow myself the luxury of standing in the water and just enjoying the water, without doing anything but pampering myself. I have also found when I MAKE time for these things as well as time for me to do something I want to do, without kids, I am a better mom, I have more patience, and I appreciate and cherish my kids more. I am also a better wife, better employee, even a better neighbor and friend.

It really is true. We HAVE to take care of ourselves first and foremost so that we can be better people, parents, workers, neighbors, wives and every other hat we wear. So when you feel yourself slipping or you see your girlfriend slipping, reach out and help each other do whatever it is you each need to refill yourselves. There are a lot of people counting on you, so you “SHOULD” try to do your best!

Hang in there, there is always tomorrow to try again.

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Dear Carol,

My husband and I have two boys, ages 7 and 5, both with differing levels of Autism. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars and had countless problems dealing with their situation, but seem to be pulling out of the worst of it. My older son is mainstreamed and doing well (considering). We believe 100% that the boys’ conditions are a result of vaccine injury. I want to have another baby, as I think we could have a “normal” child, but my husband is against it. What do you think?

Wanting One More

Dear Wanting,

Having one child with Autism is incredibly difficult, I admire your strength to not only deal with two, but want another baby as well!

Even with the complications of the Autistic boys, the answer to the baby question is the same regardless. When making plans to bring a baby into the world, the decision needs to be unanimous. If one party says no, then the answer is no. If you go ahead and get pregnant without having your husband on board, there will always be an underlying resentment (probably toward you, not the baby, but possibly the baby as well) and your actions will eat away at the trust between you and your husband.

You also need to consider how you would feel if there was something wrong with the third child, whether it is Autism or something else. Would you resent your decision? You also need to think about if you have the personal resources (financially, energetically, and emotionally) to take on another child. Babies take a lot of work and energy and you are already expending a lot of energy with the boys you have. I know these are hard questions, but ones you need to think about before making such a big decision

The main point is the welfare of the child. When one parent doesn’t want the baby that message gets conveyed to the child, whether verbally or nonverbally. That kind of message can be very damaging to a child’s sense of self and importance.

But, if you can get your husband on board and think you can handle the above questions, then by all means, go for it!

Good luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

With a newborn, I spend a lot of time in my rocking chair, feeding him, rocking him, singing to him, etc. Granted, it is less time now than with my first child as I am chasing after my 3 and 5 year old as well, but it is still a considerable amount of time. While I am sitting in this chair I have a lot of time to think. I actually enjoy the excuse to be able to sit down and be still for a while. This life I have created where I think I have to be superwoman and do EVERYTHING there possibly is to do and if I don’t accomplish it with greatness, I am a failure, can be very taxing and overwhelming at times. This opportunity to just sit and think and “be” actually helps me handle all of the other duties and responsibilities I have taken on in this life.

Today I was thinking about the difference between simply living life and living life to its fullest. Simply going about day to day activities, just getting from one thing to the next and hoping that you can survive whatever life throws at you is not living your life to its fullest. Usually you are just numb and just surviving. You may be functioning well and accomplishing the tasks you set out to do, but you are not experiencing your life like you could be. People who are depressed are often numb. They aren’t feeling anything and when that depression lifts, it is like the sun coming out and everything is brighter and prettier and more amazing than you had ever noticed before.

Living life to its fullest is about experiencing everything in the moment. It is about not worrying about the past or being anxious about the future, but being fully awake and aware of the moment you are in right now. It is about experiencing the beauty of your surroundings, appreciating the complexities of nature and the miracles that are your children. It is about noticing the ordinary and being grateful for what you do have. It is about breathing and having an awareness that you are feeling your emotional states and being OK with whatever emotional state you are in. It is about accepting who you are, as you are, without reservation.

Sometimes it takes slowing down and taking stock of where you are in your life and what you want to get out of it, more than just what tasks you want to accomplish, but how you want to live, even how you want to feel. I know I am grateful for the opportunity to be “forced” to slow down and remember what is really important to me and where my energy should be focused. I am grateful for the blessings I have in my life and look forward to the many years of amazing moments ahead.

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

With Memorial Day here and remembering those who have fought for us, it seemed like a good time to talk about grief. Whenever we lose someone close to us, whether it is through death or separation or even the breakup of a relationship we need to remember that it takes time and that it is ok to grieve. We need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we feel and to go through the stages of grief at whatever pace we go through it. There is no set time frame for how long grief should last. For some it takes only a short while, for others the process is much longer. Only when you have completed a stage are you ready to move on to the next one. The stages are a natural process and one can’t judge another about how fast or slow they go through the process. The thing to watch for though, is if you get stuck in one of the stages. If it seems like you just can’t get past that particular point, it may be the perfect time to get some short term counseling to help you move to the next stage.
Here are the stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”

1.Denial- This is when we don’t want to admit that we have lost someone. We keep going as if              nothing has changed. Not crying, feeling numb.

2. Anger- Feelings of wanting to fight back, yell and scream, get even. Blaming the deceased or ex-spouse is part of this stage. “Why is this happening to ME?” Or “it is so unfair!”

3. Bargaining-trying to make deals with God or your ex to put things back the way they were. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. Sometimes this stage happens before the person is gone.

4. Depression- otherwise known as Sadness, overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. This is the time, especially if you are feeling suicidal, to get help.

5. Acceptance- where you accept the reality of the loss and are able to move on with your life. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of the loss and being able to grow and move forward again.

Grief is difficult, whatever the situation. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Therapy doesn’t have to be a long time commitment. It can be a few sessions just to get you over that hump. Be gentle with yourself through this process. It is hard and painful and human to feel the loss so deeply.

Happy Memorial Day!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

“People Pleasers” as they are so often referred to, are people that we all know and very possibly are even ourselves. These are people that spend their lives doing for others. Now normally, doing for others is a good thing. All of the charity organizations count on people doing good things for others and it does tie into the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. So when is doing for others a bad thing? Where is the line and how do you know if you have crossed it?

The answer is both simple and complex. The line is crossed when you sacrifice yourself for the other person.  However, (here is the complex part) there are always situations in which you have to, or need to sacrifice your way to make decisions. This is called compromise. You will know if you have gone too far if all you are EVER doing is giving in, if you can’t form an opinion about anything without checking with someone else first, if you feel taken advantage of, or if you have lost who you are in the process of trying to please someone else.

People Pleasers usually get the way they are because their parents were either not available, stingy with their praise, or condescending.  Basically the child spent their entire childhood trying to get their parent’s approval without success. Thus, the child learned that they were worthless unless they were doing something for their parent. So they would sacrifice any and everything in hopes of being accepted and ultimately loved.  This need to please carries over into adulthood and these people are easy targets for people to take advantage of. This is because they are so afraid of rejection, thinking that any rejection translates into their not being worthwhile or lovable, that they are unable to set appropriate healthy boundaries with people. These people also, for the same reason have a hard time finding TRUE friends. It is easy for them to find friends, but it is usually a one-way relationship with the people pleaser doing everything for the other and getting nothing in return.

So what do you do if you are a People Pleaser? How do you fix this? First you identify your urge to please and recognize how that links to feelings of inferiority. Then you have to remind yourself that you really are worthwhile and lovable and that you don’t have to do everything their way in order for them to like you and respect you. (this is usually a hard thing to convince yourself of after so many years of thinking the opposite, so be gentle with yourself if you don’t get it immediately, just keep trying!) If you can interrupt the process that goes from the urge to please to the action of pleasing you are making headway! The goal is to be able to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for yourself so that you can have an opinion and start to get to know who you really are without all that need to please. Healthy boundaries may mean that you still want to do things for others, but it will be on your terms because you want to, not because you need their approval for doing it. You need to start doing things for yourself as well. Taking care of ourselves is very hard, but vital for our well-being.

It is usually best if people pleasers get some help from a counselor in this process, simply because it is so ingrained in their way of thinking it can be really hard to do this on your own. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is time you mattered to you.

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Dear Carol,

I am in a relationship with the most wonderful guy in the world. I moved almost 1400 miles away from my family and friends to be with him. He has 2 children and I have one. He is a wonderful dad. He is one of my closest friends. I love him more than I ever thought was possible. Here’s is my problem. I have gained about 40-50 pounds since moving out here to be with him. We have been together for about 4 years now. I am ready for more of a commitment. We get into discussions about marriage and he just doesn’t understand why I feel we need to do that. I finally got him to admit that I had put on a few pounds and he is worried about my health and doesn’t want to marry me because I could get either bigger afterwards or my health could start to fade. So as a woman all I heard was you are too fat to marry, but good enough to live with and raise my kids and take care of my house. I don’t want to leave him but what to I do? Thanks!

Feeling Fat and Confused

Dear Feeling Fat,

It sounds like there are a couple of issues here. The first is why you would move yourself and your child 1400 miles WITHOUT the commitment of marriage in the first place. Did you think you weren’t good enough for him to marry you back then?

The second is your denial about his behavior. You spoke so highly of him in the beginning of your letter that it sounds like you don’t want to admit he could do something so cruel and heartless, which is exactly what he did: Something CRUEL and HEARTLESS to the woman he is supposed to love. OF COURSE you heard that you are too fat to marry, but not too fat to do everything else for him, that is they way women are programmed in this society. We are programmed to be so self conscious about how we look that it overrides normal, rational thought. If he really is such a good guy, then my guess is there is something else going on here. It sounds like fear of commitment, the reason for which you will have to do some digging. My guess is that it was easier to him to put the blame on you (since you were so ready to take that blame) than it was for him to admit that he was afraid of something. It could be he got burned the first time around with his kids’ mom and doesn’t want to do that again. Or, it could just be that he is a shallow jerk that is more concerned about appearances than about who you are as a person.  Whatever his reasons, he wasn’t being such a great guy when he let you take the blame.

It is time for some confrontation with him about what is really going on and if he truly won’t marry you because of your weight or if there is something else.  It is also time for you to gain some self-esteem. You have to believe that you ARE worth marrying before anyone will want to marry you. You need to do some soul searching and find that awesome, beautiful woman inside you. It may help you to talk with a counselor to figure out what gets in your way of feeling good about yourself.

Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Dear Carol,

I am the mother of two young children, 3 and 1 and have been married for 10 years.  I work part time and am home with the kids the rest of the week. I have been feeling extremely depressed for the last few months. I have put on about 50 pounds in the last few years with having kids. My marriage is ok, my husband is a great support (most of the time) and my work is stressful at times, but I like it and excel at it. I know I don’t eat well and am usually up a minimum of once per night with one or the other child. Some days I struggle with basic self-care tasks like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I am tired of feeling this way and it scares me to see my depression affecting my kids. I was crying today when I was home with them and my 3 year old said, while rubbing my head, that she was sorry and it would be ok. So I know it affects them and that kills me. What do I do?

Depressed in Arizona

Dear Depressed in Arizona,

Trying to maintain a job, a household, a marriage, AND raise two young kids is a HUGE job for anyone. Believe me, I know! I am in the same situation! It can be VERY overwhelming trying to juggle all of those things and take care of yourself too. It sounds to me like you are definitely depressed and need to do something about that right now.

You definitely have some strengths going for you. A good, helping, supportive husband is a huge benefit for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on his shoulder from time to time. Let him know how you are feeling and that you need him to help you. Whether it is more help around the house, taking the kids out of the house for a few hours so you can have some “me” time, or just holding you while you cry. Try to use the resources you already have available. He could even help encourage you to maintain your basic self-care tasks like showering and brushing your teeth.

Tomorrow, I want you to call your family doctor and talk about getting on an antidepressant. Then I want you to make an appointment to talk with a therapist. It can be me, or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It will take some effort to make these calls, but I think you understand how important it is to do this right away. You need to be able to talk to a professional about what is going on here, before you get to the point that you give up or hurt the kids. I know you don’t want to think about that, but it sounds like you are headed in that direction and could get there pretty quickly.

Next, it is time to teach the kids to sleep through the night. I know, I know, easier said than done. Believe me, I know! Sleep deprivation can take down even the most stable of people. This is something you need to do for your own good, as well as for the children. They will be better off if they get a good night’s sleep too.   Telling your 3 year old when they go to bed that you expect them to stay in their bed all night and that they are safe and that you will see them in the morning when it is time to get up. I usually tell my daughter what we are planning to do for the next day and that she has to go to sleep and stay in bed all night in order to do that thing. It also gives her time to adjust to the idea so there are less fights in the morning. I call this “front loading”, meaning giving her the information ahead of time so she can feel some control over it and doesn’t feel tricked into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Three year olds like to feel like they have some power in their lives and finding ways for them to have an appropriate amount is very useful.

If the baby is still waking up you need to figure out if you have taught her to not sleep through the night, or if she was sleeping through the night and isn’t anymore, what has changed. Is she/he teething or have an ear infection? Are they congested and can’t breathe? If it isn’t her teeth or ears, then you need to find a method that fits for you (there are several out there) and stick to it. Studies have shown that the method doesn’t really matter as long as you pick one and stick to it consistently. Get your husband to help you and make it a priority. It is time for you to get some sleep!

Once you get these few things into place you can start looking at making your lifestyle healthier. Adding some exercise and eating better will help you feel better and give you more energy to do all that you need to do.

Lastly, you need to give yourself credit for doing everything you are doing. You are raising loving kids (as evidenced by their empathy), holding together a 10 year marriage to a great guy, and excelling at your job!  You deserve an award just for that! Try to remember that we weren’t made to be “Superwoman”, even though we try to live up to that. You have to give yourself some kudos for doing the best you can and being ok with that.  It is time to put away the perfectionistic ideas and start taking care of you. I know, no small order. If you want to work more with me, I am more than willing to do chat, email or phone sessions with you through my website www.asktheinternettherapist.com.

Good Luck and let me know if I can help you more.

Hang in there!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Today I want to talk about Patience. “Patience is a virtue” is the old saying, but what does that mean and why is it so important in our lives? There are numerous examples of times when you need patience. For example, the few weeks prior to giving birth, I was feeling very impatient, wanting to have my baby in my arms instead of in my belly, but there is a difference between what we “want” and what we “need”. I “wanted” to be less uncomfortable and “wanted” to be able to roll over in my bed without pain, but the baby “needed” to grow and develop more so that he could be healthy when he did come out and at the end of the day I resigned to the fact that his “need” overrode my “want”, thus allowing me to have patience for another day.

I have found that having patience is all about living in the moment. Being impatient means that you are looking ahead and wanting whatever you see in front of you to be here now. But how many times have we been impatient for something only to be disappointed when it finally arrives. Somehow we build up this anticipation for the event or thing and once it is here is either not such a big deal or it is here and gone and we didn’t stop to really enjoy it. I felt that way after my wedding. There was so much planning and preparing and excitement prior to the wedding that once the night was over it was like wedding withdrawal.

The key to having patience truly is being present to what is happening right now. If you are 100% focused on what you are doing right now or 100% focused on who you are talking to you don’t have time to be thinking ahead to the future and worrying or getting nervous or being impatient for something to happen. Everything will happen in its own time, whether you are anxious about it or not. It is better to enjoy and take advantage of what is happening in front of you than to waste time wishing things were different. That is not to say that if bad things are happening now that you simply sit on your haunches and wait. You always have the power to do things differently. Focusing on what you are doing today and evaluating if you need to do things differently will help you get to the point where you can enjoy what you are doing today. Focusing on the present helps you to take stock of what you like and what you don’t and make the choice to live your best life today.

So take a deep breath and notice your surroundings. Pay attention and appreciate what you have and you will find your patience growing exponentially.

Parenting is probably one of the hardest jobs out there. Not only is it 24/7, but it is for the remainder of your life. You never really stop being a parent. Your job duties may change along the way, as they should, as your child gets older, but you never really stop being a parent.

Having said that, all of you parents out there know how exhausting it can be to be a parent. Whether you are a single parent, married, divorced, widowed, whatever, it can be truly exhausting. On the flip side, the benefits are amazing as well.

Currently, in my home we are dealing with the “terrible twos” from my youngest daughter. “Terrible Twos” should really be called terrible 1-4’s because they can happen anywhere in that time frame. My oldest daughter started at 18 months, and my youngest didn’t start til she was almost 3. It really is a time when they are starting to assert their independence and realizing that they do have some power in their surrounds. It is incredibly easy to get frustrated with the whole process, especially after you have said “put on your shoes, please” for the hundredth time and she stares at you blankly, or puts her hand on her hip and says “no! I don’t want to!”

The trick is to not explode on your child as well as not to take their resistance personnally, both of which are much easier said than done. Exploding on your child simply reinforces the behavior you want to get rid of. It is role modeling a grown up temper tantrum as well as probably scaring her to death, creating more crying/whining, creating a bigger mess than the one you had before. If you take it personally that she is being disrespectful to you and that triggers stuff for you (most of us have that trigger!) it gets really easy to blow things out of porportion, which really is exactly what she is doing and you get into a tug of war of who is going to give in first and it will be painful whatever the outcome.

What I have discovered, through trial and error and doing all of the above with little success, is once i take a step back from the situation, what i really see is a small child wanting to be heard. She wants to be acknowledged that she has feelings and emotions and is more than something to be bossed around. Granted, she seems to pick the most inopportune times to be heard, but when i take the 30 extra seconds (and that really is all it takes) to get down on her level and reflect back that i know she is angry, upset, or whatever, she is much more likely to hear what I need to say. Plus, my taking that time (honestly, 30 seconds) gives her the opportunity to learn how to put her feelings into words so that she can learn how to express herself in more positive, healthy ways, which will serve her for her entire life. It also reminds me that I am not a dictator (although, there are occasions where this is necessary) and that all of these little everyday instances are what shapes my daughter’s life. It gives me pause to remember that I am a crucial part of the creation of her reality, more than just giving birth to her, but helping her learn how to cope in a healthy manner in this world. That is really what makes parenting so amazingly and profoundly important and rewarding.

So the next time your 2 year old, or your 8 year old, or your 12 year old (if they didn’t learn it at 2, they keep having them!) has their own temper tantrum, remember to stop and actually listen to what they are complaining about. They may just need to be validated that their feelings and emotions are ok and that they are an important part of the family.

Go home and hug your kids!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

Dear Carol,

I am in my early 20’s and me and my husband have been together 3 yrs.  We recently had an argument where he became physical and grabbed me and threw me to the ground etc…  I have kicked him out (this is the first time he has ever laid a hand on me) and told him that I wouldn’t even consider taking him back unless he got into anger management.  This all happened in front of my 4 yr old!  He has since apologized to me and my daughter and told us both he will do whatever he has to make everything better.  He has started calling around to try to find an A.M. class.  My question is, is it a mistake to trust him again?  I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and saw all the signs in my husband after a few years, and told him he needed help.  He didn’t believe he would do anything like that so he ignored my request to get help although he did make more of an effort to just walk away instead of getting really mad and throwing stuff.  I’m afraid of making the same mistake twice.  My husband is not some controlling jerk, actually the complete opposite.  He is shy and quiet and always asks me permission before doing anything (which I hate!)  He’s not the “typical” abuser.  I love him and don’t want my children to lose their dad but I refuse to go thru that kind of relationship again.  Please I need some advice. Thanks

The wife

Dear Wife,

I can completely understand your hesitation to be with a man who abuses you and I commend you for it. However, it does sound like he is trying to make things better. I would probably play this one by ear. If he continues to make efforts to show that he is trying to make changes, it may be worth sticking it out. I would suggest you get counseling as well to see what part you play in your relationship with him. I am not suggesting you asked to be hit or anything like that, I am just saying relationships are two way streets and there may be things you can do to make your relationship with your husband better. Also, with your history of picking abusive men, it sounds like you have some personal issues to work out of your own. I would also suggest some couples counseling along with his AM class. There are obviously issues in your marriage that need some attention and if you can attend to those before either of you gets to the point of violence, all the better. I think you owe it to your 4 year old to make every effort to stay together. However, if he reverts to violence again, I think I would be out of there as the likelihood is that it will get worse before it gets better.

Hope this helps!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

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