When talking with parents over the years, one word seems to always come into the discussion. “CONSISTENCY” Why is this so important when dealing with children, of all ages? Our children depend on us as parents to establish the routine, even if the stubborn adolescent complains about all the “rules”. I believe that consistent parenting with follow-through gives our children a safety net that catches them when they stumble. If we can outline clear expectations and our children understand the consequences, good or bad, they are able to learn safe and effective boundaries. Without such boundaries, they could feel lost and distrustful. So, I encourage all parents to be consistent because it pays off in a well-adjusted, self-confident child.
Is this just another new “buzz” word or a legitimate diagnosis that has come to the forefront of our awareness? For me personally and professionally, trauma is a very real issue that many people, if not most, consciously and/or unconsciously deal with every day. Trauma does not discriminate among race, gender, age, or socio-economic backgrounds. Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes…and just because the trauma experienced may not be “BIG”, it is still a very real experience that must be addressed and resolved for success to be realized. How would you define trauma in your life?
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. It has been a pretty rocky 12 years with him cheating physically and me cheating emotionally. We have finally got everything on the table and are trying to make things work. I am still really angry about his affair (with several different people and once in MY bed!) and he says he can’t trust what I say because of my emotional connection to another guy. I want us to re-do our vows and he says he isn’t ready yet. He says how can he trust that I really mean my vows when I lied to him. He refuses to go to counseling, saying he has said his piece and there is nothing else to talk about.
Where do I go from here?
Dear Where do I go from here,
Sounds like you have been through some really rough patches in your marriage. I am impressed that you are even still together. For couples that have been through as much infidelity as you have, I really think it is important to do some counseling to help you heal the wounds that have been created. Rebuilding trust is an incredibly hard thing to do and even harder when you don’t have someone guiding that process.
Recovering from an affair in the relationship is like going through the grieving process. Essentially you are grieving the loss of what your relationship used to be. It can no longer be the same as it was originally. It has to grow and become something new in order for it to survive. And thus, you need to go through those grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and sadness before you get to accepting that a new relationship has to be born out of the old. Things will never be what they were before, but maybe, with time and help, it can be even better. Obviously there were things that weren’t working before, so with the new relationship, hopefully those things have gotten better.
So don’t give up on trying to get him to get some counseling. Don’t forget that there are less scary options like phone or internet counseling available so he doesn’t even have to leave the house. If you just can’t get him to budge, I think you really should get some for yourself. Put it into the budget, even once a month, so that you have some support as you go through this rocky time.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.
The following is a letter from a radio listener:
Good Morning Carol.
I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?
Struggling with being single again!
Dear Struggling,
It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.
I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.
I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.
You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.
It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
There never seems to be a shortage of marriages having troubles these days. Hopefully we can work to change that! Maybe by sharing our stories and possible solutions we can make positive changes in our own relationships and keep them from falling apart.
Here is a listener question from my work on the radio.
Dear Carol,
I am 38 year old man who has been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys and a very busy lifestyle running them to practices and school, etc. Our marriage has had small struggles over the last several years and I know we have gotten too busy with the boys and have stopped paying attention to the marriage. Now when I try to talk to my wife all I get is the shove-off or “I’m tired right now, can it wait?”
Anyway, I noticed her taking some phone calls that she would go outside to talk and when I asked her about it and who it was, she seemed nervous. So I looked at her phone and found out it is a dad of one of the kids who plays ball with our son and they have been talking 30-45 minutes at a time almost every day! I confronted her about it and she denied anything going on, but when I caught her again, I confronted her again and she finally said they had been talking for a while, but nothing had happened. She says she wants to work on the relationship, but I am having such a hard time trusting her! What do I do?
Marriage falling apart fast!
Dear Marriage Falling apart Fast,
I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about not giving the relationship enough attention. It is a difficult thing to do, especially with 3 busy boys, plus work and all of the other requirements of life, but it really is absolutely essential if you want to stay married. It is always easier to get those needs for attention and those feelings of being wanted and needed from someone else than it is to work through all of the little things that irritate you about your spouse.
I think it is time for a major sit down with your wife. If you are serious about staying together it is time for some drastic changes. I think that starts with some couples counseling. Next I would recommend that you each start doing small things for the other person. Try to remember back to when you first got together and what you did to romance her. That is the stuff you need to rekindle. I know it is difficult to do when you are having trouble trusting her, but my guess is, if she can get those needs met at home, she won’t need to talk to that guy and she will refocus her attention back on you and at home. I do think you need the counselor though to help sort through things and help you find ways to reconnect. Working on your marriage needs to take #1 priority in both of your lives if you want it to work out.
Don’t forget, you are the role model relationship for your boys. How you work things out or don’t work things out with your wife will impact their relationships in the future, so try to take the high road. If either of you aren’t willing to do the work that is needed to save the relationship, please try not to be angry and vindictive at your wife. Try to work through those feelings so your boys don’t see it. Again, counseling could come in really handy here.
Good Luck, I hope things get better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
I am so impressed with all of the resources available on our website here at AskTheInternetTherapist.com! There are some really awesome books and DVD’s and audiobooks available and many of them with the option for CEU’s which for any of us in the field know are always necessary to maintain our licenses.
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The team at AskTheInternetTherapist.com is doing such a great job with these new products, that i just wanted to give a “kudos” to them and their awesome products!
As a therapist I get a lot of questions about ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) both in kids and in adults. It has become very commonly diagnosed over the last ten years and parents seems to be perplexed about what to do with it. I had a question from come in i wanted to share here:
Dear Carol,
My 8 year old son is having difficulty at school paying attention, not turning in assignments, losing assignments, and the teacher says he is very disruptive in class. He also has problems getting along with other kids because he is very impulsive. I have been diagnosed with ADD and wonder if my son has it too. Do you think 8 is too young to be diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or too young to try medication?
Concerned parent of possible ADHD child
Dear Concerned parent of possible ADHD child,
From your description and with your family history, it is very likely that your son does indeed have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and possibly ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The difference between the two is one is hyper, constant movement, out of his chair, can’t sit still, and the other is only the difficulty paying attention without the hyperactivity.
There are many different treatments available for ADD/ADHD and given the level of problems your son is having it sounds like a good time to start looking into what options you have for treatment. One option is to try medication like Ritalin or Adderall and if you decide to got that route, I would recommend you see a psychiatrist to get the medications though, at least initially, just to make sure it is not something else going on and to get the kind of medication that is right for your child.
The great thing about ADHD medication is that you will know relatively quickly if it is helping or not. These medications typically go through your system quickly. If the child becomes MORE hyper, then it is not the medication for them and they probably don’t have ADHD. If your child calms down or is better able to focus to get their work done, then the meds can be helpful. I do want to say that not every kid is the same and you may need to try different medications to see if one works better than another, so don’t be discouraged if your doctor wants to try different things.
Another option that is more homeopathic is a product known as ADD-Care(tm) SR. This supplement, like the stimulants, does not cure ADD. ADD-care SR may help contolr the symptoms that are consisten with those found with ADD/ADHD adn therefore the supplement must be taken on a daily basis to continue to be effective. ADD-Care(tm) SR doesn’t seem to have the side effects the stimulant medication has and it can be used in the later part of the day without disturbing sleep. You can find it and more info about it at www.ADD-care.com as well as through the home page at www.asktheinternettherapist.com.
Another option I have seen parents use that has had some benefits is by changing the diets of those with the symptoms of ADD/ADHD. You will want to do some additional research about which diet to use, but typically they are ones that take out simple carbohydrates like sugar or ones that take out gluten seem to have some positive results with these symptoms.
I do want to note that medication and supplements are not the only treatment for ADD and ADHD. There needs to be a behavioral component to the treatment where the child learns how to control his impulses, learns organizational skills, social skills, etc. The medication or supplements can help slow him down enough for him to be able to learn these new skills. Without the additional training, the medication probably won’t be enough. Sometimes, once the kids have learned these new skills it is possible to have them on a much lower dose of medication or even no medication at all.
I know some parents are very hesitant to put their child on medications, and with good reason. It is important to research all of your options before making any decisions.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
The Rocking Chair Continues…
Well, here I am again, in what is quickly becoming my best thinking space, my rocking chair in my son’s nursery. With just the dim light from the star on the wall, the baby asleep in my arms and my reluctance to put him down in the crib, I have uninterrupted quiet time to just sit and enjoy and think.
Tonight I am thinking about paradoxes and how the theme of “life is full of Paradoxes” is so true in so many aspects. The word ‘paradox’ means “a seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true,” (American Heritage Dictionary). So basically, it is when the best route to take is the opposite of the one our instinct says we should take. For example, in the Disney Pixar movie “Cars” Doc Hudson teaches Lightning McQueen that in order to make that fast curve on the dirt track he actually needs to turn the wheels the opposite way from what he thinks he should do in order to keep the car from spinning out of control. How many times in our lives do we feel like it is spinning out of control? And paradoxically, if we turn the wheel the other way we are able to get back on the road?
The biggest example of this that comes up in my therapy work is the paradox of intimacy. It is the thing we all crave, but the instinct to protect ourselves flares up and sends us running the opposite direction from each other. How many times have you “liked” someone and ended up avoiding contact with them, or as a teenager, sent your friend to talk to him? Or with your spouse, how many times have you had an opportunity for a close moment that you just allow to pass by for fear of being rejected? The paradox to great relationships is that you have to risk being vulnerable to achieve that kind of intimacy. You have to walk TOWARD the risk instead of away from it. You have to pursue those opportunities for closeness regardless of whether you will be rejected or not. That is the part called “work” when we talk about relationships taking “work”. It is the part that takes effort to go the opposite way than what your instinct (reacting to fear) is telling you to do. To truly connect with others you have to take those risks. Does that mean you won’t ever get hurt? No, of course not. You will get hurt. That is part of life. But if you don’t take those risks you will never feel true intimacy with someone and that is probably the best thing there is in this life.
The next most common one I encounter in therapy as well as in my personal life is about the healing process. Again, the instinct (reacting to fear) is to stay away from what hurts you. Yes, it is a survival skill that probably worked well in the stone ages and occasionally works well today, but a lot of the time it really gets in the way. People avoid their pain like the plague, whether it is physical or emotional pain. Say you break your leg. That is a pretty severe injury that really hurts every time you move it. So you tend not to move it, but if you never move it again, it won’t heal properly and you won’t be able to use your leg, or if you do, it won’t be as good as it was before you broke it. The same goes for emotional pain. If you are hurt emotionally, your instinct says to avoid it however you can, whether it is through numbing yourself, or diverting your attention or trying to numb yourself through external measures like drugs or alcohol. All of these things allow you not to think about the hurt, but it doesn’t allow the hurt to heal and the hurt doesn’t go away. So paradoxically, the best route to health is to work through the pain. For the leg, that means physical rehabilitation and for anyone who has been through that they will tell you that it is very painful to go through rehab. For the emotional hurt, that means working through the pain, allowing it to come out and dealing with it. For both, we have professionals who are trained to help people deal with their pain. We realize that working through pain is incredibly difficult regardless of the kind of pain it is and that we all need a helping hand from time to time, a guide, a support, someone to help us along the way. Even there, there is a paradox. The instinct is just to handle it yourself and the paradox is that it is better to have someone help you through that tough time, be it physical or emotional. There is trust that your guide/helper/support person can handle whatever kind and amount of pain you have. Believe me, it is not always an easy job for the guide/helper/support person, but we wouldn’t be doing the jobs we are doing if we couldn’t handle the pain. Plus, the risk you take to do what you need to do to heal will be worth it in the end.
So when you get to those tough decisions in your life or life isn’t working out the way you want it to, look and see if you are headed in the right direction. It could be you are in the middle of a paradox!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I recently found out that my boyfriend of four years has a baby with someone else. We split up for about a year and he hooked up with some other girl. I’ve accepted it and moved on. But recently he has been treating me like crap. I’ve moved all over to different states with him because of his job, and am having trouble finding a job due to the fact that I’ve only stayed at a job for at least four months tops in the past two years. It’s really taking affect on me financially. He acts like it’s all my fault that I’m having trouble. (all of this has taken place in the past month). We fight all the time and I feel myself growing further away from him. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even like him to touch me. So you can only imagine what our sex life is like. He thinks that I think about things too much. I think I have a lot to think about. I just found out this month that he has a baby, I can’t find a job, I can’t pay bills because I don’t have a job, etc. I talk to my friends, they tell me that I’m too good to have to deal with all of what’s been going on. Even if I wanted to leave, I can’t financially go anywhere. I’m so lost, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Please help. . .
Feeling Desperate
Dear Feeling Desperate,
It is hard when you feel like you have invested significant amounts of your time, money and energy into something that feels like it is falling apart. You have some big decisions to make and it sounds like you probably will need to make them sooner, rather than later. The biggest thing I want you to remember, though, is that you ALWAYS have options. You are not stuck here.
I am not sure what is going on with your boyfriend to just start being nasty to you. From your letter I am not clear if he knew all along that he had the baby or if he just found out too. Regardless of his reasons, I think you need to have some serious conversations about what has been going on and where your relationship is going. This baby is definitely going to impact your relationship. If he is a good man, he will want to (and need to) be involved in this child’s life. That means regular visitation and possibly moving closer to wherever the baby and its mom live. When the child is in your home, it means negotiating parenting duties and discipline as the baby grows. It means regular communication with this ex-girlfriend. It means paying child support and extra things for the baby. All of these are huge things that could take a toll on your relationship with him if you don’t talk about them ahead of time. You also need to decide what you want to put up with. Do you want to have to deal with always having a baby in the picture? What if you eventually get married to this guy? Do you want to be a step mom right away? Lots of things to think about.
Your feeling yourself growing further away from him is your anger. It sounds like you are very angry at him for the baby issue, for not being nice to you, for moving so much to make it difficult for you to get a job. However, I want to challenge you to take some responsibility for some of these. Obviously, you can’t for the whole baby situation, but you need to remember that you chose to follow him every time he moved. You chose to stay after finding out about the baby. I am definitely not saying all of this is your fault, but you need to take responsibility for you and your part in this. When you separate out what you have control over, I think your decisions that you will make about your relationship will become clear.
I know that financially things are tough right now. If you are thinking of leaving you may need to lean on some friends or family members to help you out temporarily. Maybe you need to widen your options for what kind of job you could do, just to get something to get started. Maybe you make a plan to go in a few months, after you have gotten some money together to be able to do it. Whether you stay or go, it is in your best interest to have some of your own money. The more dependent you are on him, the more trapped you become. So start your own bank account, get a small amount of credit in your name (try to keep it paid off!) It is always a good idea to have something to fall back on.
If you need help through this rough time in your life, counseling might be a good way to help you resolve of these issue.
Good Luck,
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
Once again, I find my thoughts drifting around while I sit in the rocking chair rocking Calen to sleep. Tonight I find myself reflecting on how this week I have been frustrated with all of the “shoulds” in life. For example, I should eat my vegetables, I should only drink water, I should be exercising, I should be nice to my neighbor who annoys me, I should take a shower, even I should brush my teeth. Then I want to be a little bit defiant and NOT do what I Should be doing. The word “should” itself actually means a recommendation/advice, obligation, expectation, so it is like some great authority figure telling you how to live your life.
What I have found is that when I start feeling burdened by the “shoulds” in my life, that it is a red flag for me to realize that 1.) I am probably overwhelmed, 2.) I am not taking care of myself, and 3.) depression is right around the corner and easily slipped into. For me, the “shoulds” that I resent the most are the ones around self-care and when I get to the point that even brushing my teeth seems like a chore, I know it is time to make some changes. I have also realized that when I don’t make time and space for that self-care, I become resentful of the “shoulds” outside of me, like responding to my children’s needs, or becoming resentful that I have to get up and go to work. If I get to that point that is a sure sign that depression has hit and I need to take immediate action.
But what kind of action can an overworked, overwhelmed, mom of 3 take that simply doesn’t just get added to the “should” list? That is probably a slightly different answer for everyone, but for me, it means reaching out to my friends, my family, my support network and if I have let it go too long, it is time for a therapist. I have to readjust my thinking that such self-care things as simple as showering and brushing one’s teeth is not a “should” but a “Must”. I Must take care of myself first. I have to readjust my thinking to knowing that I am Worth the time and effort of basic self-care. Shoot. I am WORTH the time and effort of advanced self-care. When I make myself shower, I always feel better and sometimes I even allow myself the luxury of standing in the water and just enjoying the water, without doing anything but pampering myself. I have also found when I MAKE time for these things as well as time for me to do something I want to do, without kids, I am a better mom, I have more patience, and I appreciate and cherish my kids more. I am also a better wife, better employee, even a better neighbor and friend.
It really is true. We HAVE to take care of ourselves first and foremost so that we can be better people, parents, workers, neighbors, wives and every other hat we wear. So when you feel yourself slipping or you see your girlfriend slipping, reach out and help each other do whatever it is you each need to refill yourselves. There are a lot of people counting on you, so you “SHOULD” try to do your best!
Hang in there, there is always tomorrow to try again.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
