Archive for June 2009
Once again, I find my thoughts drifting around while I sit in the rocking chair rocking Calen to sleep. Tonight I find myself reflecting on how this week I have been frustrated with all of the “shoulds” in life. For example, I should eat my vegetables, I should only drink water, I should be exercising, I should be nice to my neighbor who annoys me, I should take a shower, even I should brush my teeth. Then I want to be a little bit defiant and NOT do what I Should be doing. The word “should” itself actually means a recommendation/advice, obligation, expectation, so it is like some great authority figure telling you how to live your life.
What I have found is that when I start feeling burdened by the “shoulds” in my life, that it is a red flag for me to realize that 1.) I am probably overwhelmed, 2.) I am not taking care of myself, and 3.) depression is right around the corner and easily slipped into. For me, the “shoulds” that I resent the most are the ones around self-care and when I get to the point that even brushing my teeth seems like a chore, I know it is time to make some changes. I have also realized that when I don’t make time and space for that self-care, I become resentful of the “shoulds” outside of me, like responding to my children’s needs, or becoming resentful that I have to get up and go to work. If I get to that point that is a sure sign that depression has hit and I need to take immediate action.
But what kind of action can an overworked, overwhelmed, mom of 3 take that simply doesn’t just get added to the “should” list? That is probably a slightly different answer for everyone, but for me, it means reaching out to my friends, my family, my support network and if I have let it go too long, it is time for a therapist. I have to readjust my thinking that such self-care things as simple as showering and brushing one’s teeth is not a “should” but a “Must”. I Must take care of myself first. I have to readjust my thinking to knowing that I am Worth the time and effort of basic self-care. Shoot. I am WORTH the time and effort of advanced self-care. When I make myself shower, I always feel better and sometimes I even allow myself the luxury of standing in the water and just enjoying the water, without doing anything but pampering myself. I have also found when I MAKE time for these things as well as time for me to do something I want to do, without kids, I am a better mom, I have more patience, and I appreciate and cherish my kids more. I am also a better wife, better employee, even a better neighbor and friend.
It really is true. We HAVE to take care of ourselves first and foremost so that we can be better people, parents, workers, neighbors, wives and every other hat we wear. So when you feel yourself slipping or you see your girlfriend slipping, reach out and help each other do whatever it is you each need to refill yourselves. There are a lot of people counting on you, so you “SHOULD” try to do your best!
Hang in there, there is always tomorrow to try again.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
My husband and I have two boys, ages 7 and 5, both with differing levels of Autism. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars and had countless problems dealing with their situation, but seem to be pulling out of the worst of it. My older son is mainstreamed and doing well (considering). We believe 100% that the boys’ conditions are a result of vaccine injury. I want to have another baby, as I think we could have a “normal” child, but my husband is against it. What do you think?
Wanting One More
Dear Wanting,
Having one child with Autism is incredibly difficult, I admire your strength to not only deal with two, but want another baby as well!
Even with the complications of the Autistic boys, the answer to the baby question is the same regardless. When making plans to bring a baby into the world, the decision needs to be unanimous. If one party says no, then the answer is no. If you go ahead and get pregnant without having your husband on board, there will always be an underlying resentment (probably toward you, not the baby, but possibly the baby as well) and your actions will eat away at the trust between you and your husband.
You also need to consider how you would feel if there was something wrong with the third child, whether it is Autism or something else. Would you resent your decision? You also need to think about if you have the personal resources (financially, energetically, and emotionally) to take on another child. Babies take a lot of work and energy and you are already expending a lot of energy with the boys you have. I know these are hard questions, but ones you need to think about before making such a big decision
The main point is the welfare of the child. When one parent doesn’t want the baby that message gets conveyed to the child, whether verbally or nonverbally. That kind of message can be very damaging to a child’s sense of self and importance.
But, if you can get your husband on board and think you can handle the above questions, then by all means, go for it!
Good luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
