Dear Carol,

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. It has been a pretty rocky 12 years with him cheating physically and me cheating emotionally. We have finally got everything on the table and are trying to make things work. I am still really angry about his affair (with several different people and once in MY bed!) and he says he can’t trust what I say because of my emotional connection to another guy. I want us to re-do our vows and he says he isn’t ready yet. He says how can he trust that I really mean my vows when I lied to him. He refuses to go to counseling, saying he has said his piece and there is nothing else to talk about.

Where do I go from here?

Dear Where do I go from here,

Sounds like you have been through some really rough patches in your marriage. I am impressed that you are even still together. For couples that have been through as much infidelity as you have, I really think it is important to do some counseling to help you heal the wounds that have been created. Rebuilding trust is an incredibly hard thing to do and even harder when you don’t have someone guiding that process.

Recovering from an affair in the relationship is like going through the grieving process. Essentially you are grieving the loss of what your relationship used to be. It can no longer be the same as it was originally. It has to grow and become something new in order for it to survive. And thus, you need to go through those grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining,  and sadness before you get to accepting that a new relationship has to be born out of the old. Things will never be what they were before, but maybe, with time and help, it can be even better. Obviously there were things that weren’t working before, so with the new relationship, hopefully those things have gotten better.

So don’t give up on trying to get him to get some counseling. Don’t forget that there are less scary options like phone or internet counseling available so he doesn’t even have to leave the house. If  you just can’t get him to budge, I think you really should get some for yourself. Put it into the budget, even once a month, so that you have some support as you go through this rocky time.

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

affair, counseling, couples counseling, grief, honesty, marriage, relationships, stages of grief, trust, vows Hide

Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.

The following is a letter from a radio listener:

Good Morning Carol.

I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?

Struggling with being single again!

Dear Struggling,

It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.

I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.

I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.

You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.

It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.

Good Luck!

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

child, children, counseling, depression, kids, relationships, self-esteem, single parenting, therapy Hide