When you are searching for someone to spend your life with don’t underestimate the importance of having common thoughts and beliefs about religion and spirituality. It may seem like not a big deal when you are dating, but when you have children, it WILL come up about what religion to bring them up in. It is important to have that figured out before you have kids.

here is a letter from a listener on this subject:

Dear Carol,

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and in the last few months I am having second thoughts about us being together. My family is very close and very religious and his is not. His mother lives 30 miles away and only sees our three children every 6 months or so, and bad mouths everything that has to do with religion. He will go to church with me every once in a while but not with any enthusiasm. I usually end up going by myself with the children and spending the day with my family without him. I am thinking that we are too different to be together and I am thinking about leaving him. No one knows what I am thinking not even him I am just not sure that there is any way to get around this big block in the road.

Wanting more religious unity

Dear Wanting,

Oftentimes when people first get together they underplay the importance of sharing religious beliefs, probably thinking the difference is no big deal, which it may not be at the time. Then couples have kids and all of a sudden it carries much more importance.

The other thing about religion/spirituality is that it is very personal and you can’t really make someone believe or not believe. It has to be their choice. He may feel like he needs to go with you to please you, but you can’t make him do it enthusiastically unless he really feels it.

I do think this is and can be a very big issue between couples, but it should have been a deal breaker 7 years ago, not after 3 kids. I think you need to have a serious conversation about this with your husband. You need to explain how you feel about it and your wish (I am assuming this) to share more of a religious experience with him. If it is more of you wanting him to join in with your family afterward, maybe that is a compromise. He doesn’t go to church, but comes with you to the family time afterward. I am not sure what his mother has to do with this and I suspect there is a lot more to the story than you are sharing and maybe with more information you may have a better case for leaving at this point. Because you have 3 kids I think you owe it to them to try everything you can to make this work. If you can’t have the kind of conversation you need to have with him, I would recommend getting some couples counseling to help you express yourself better to him and open up the lines of communication.

Good Luck

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counselor

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

couples, kids, relationship, religion, spirituality