Dear Carol,

My husband of 7 years has a history of not being able to keep a job. In the beginning it didn’t bother me because it was just us, but we have a 3 year old daughter and it still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t act like it even phases him. Most of the time he gets Fired, but, and I quote, “it’s Never His Fault” there is always an excuse as to why he got fired, but the blame is never his. I confronted him about it almost 2 years ago. He walked out. He actually got upset with me and walked out on me and our daughter. He was gone for about a week, I let him come back home and he did it again. He walked out on us again and was gone for about a month. I filed for divorce. In the end I stopped the divorce and let him come home and things have been bad ever since. He still can’t keep a job. He has been out of work on Workman’s Comp for 6 months due to an injury. When he was released he didn’t have a job to go back to because he didn’t read the paper work. I am working 2 jobs and 50-70 hour weeks trying to make ends meet. My house looked like a pig sty until a few weeks ago when I cam home from a 12 hour shift and had had it. I screamed and yelled and threw a fit. I didn’t talk to him the rest of the night and left for work in the morning, still without saying a word to him. He finally got the hint that I was upset and got the house clean and has kept it clean. I was all ready to divorce him, but the kicker is I do love him, just not his habits and I am scared as Heck to be a single mom, and financially I would be out of luck because why would I think he would keep a job and pay child support if he doesn’t even contribute now. I am lost in marriage and don’t know where to turn. I love him and I am just fed up with the things he pulls. Please help me.

Lost in Marriage

Dear Lost in Marriage,

My question for you is Why do you love him when he treats you this way?  My next question is Why do you let him back time and again when you know he hasn’t and isn’t going to change? You working 50-70 hour weeks only enables him to remain jobless and not take any responsibility. He has a good thing going. He gets to stay home, be a bum and you will take care of him. Can I move in to your house? I need someone to take care of me too!

The things that you say are standing in your way of doing what you know you need to do are as bad of excuses as he has for not keeping a job. You ARE already financially supporting yourself and your daughter, and him as well! I am sure you have some kind of support network to help you be a single mom and if you don’t, start creating one. Look for playgroups, start going to church, look online for other single moms in your area. If you put yourself out there, you will find all kinds of people in the same situation as yourself. Start building your support network so you will have someone to lean on when the time comes that you need it.

Somewhere in the back of your mind is the faulty assumption that you somehow deserve him and that having anyone is better than having no one. This is NOT TRUE! You will be Much better off being on your own than supporting this guy for the rest of your life, and that is what it will be, the rest of your life. He has had multiple opportunities to make changes and hasn’t. He isn’t going to until you make some changes where you put you and your daughter first.

You made a mistake in marrying this guy. It is time to fix that and find some self-esteem and give yourself credit for what you have already accomplished.

Getting some individual counseling might help you find the strength you need to pull your self out of this.

Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT

Online Counseling

www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp

divorce, enabling, family, marriage