TAG | communication
There never seems to be a shortage of marriages having troubles these days. Hopefully we can work to change that! Maybe by sharing our stories and possible solutions we can make positive changes in our own relationships and keep them from falling apart.
Here is a listener question from my work on the radio.
Dear Carol,
I am 38 year old man who has been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys and a very busy lifestyle running them to practices and school, etc. Our marriage has had small struggles over the last several years and I know we have gotten too busy with the boys and have stopped paying attention to the marriage. Now when I try to talk to my wife all I get is the shove-off or “I’m tired right now, can it wait?”
Anyway, I noticed her taking some phone calls that she would go outside to talk and when I asked her about it and who it was, she seemed nervous. So I looked at her phone and found out it is a dad of one of the kids who plays ball with our son and they have been talking 30-45 minutes at a time almost every day! I confronted her about it and she denied anything going on, but when I caught her again, I confronted her again and she finally said they had been talking for a while, but nothing had happened. She says she wants to work on the relationship, but I am having such a hard time trusting her! What do I do?
Marriage falling apart fast!
Dear Marriage Falling apart Fast,
I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about not giving the relationship enough attention. It is a difficult thing to do, especially with 3 busy boys, plus work and all of the other requirements of life, but it really is absolutely essential if you want to stay married. It is always easier to get those needs for attention and those feelings of being wanted and needed from someone else than it is to work through all of the little things that irritate you about your spouse.
I think it is time for a major sit down with your wife. If you are serious about staying together it is time for some drastic changes. I think that starts with some couples counseling. Next I would recommend that you each start doing small things for the other person. Try to remember back to when you first got together and what you did to romance her. That is the stuff you need to rekindle. I know it is difficult to do when you are having trouble trusting her, but my guess is, if she can get those needs met at home, she won’t need to talk to that guy and she will refocus her attention back on you and at home. I do think you need the counselor though to help sort through things and help you find ways to reconnect. Working on your marriage needs to take #1 priority in both of your lives if you want it to work out.
Don’t forget, you are the role model relationship for your boys. How you work things out or don’t work things out with your wife will impact their relationships in the future, so try to take the high road. If either of you aren’t willing to do the work that is needed to save the relationship, please try not to be angry and vindictive at your wife. Try to work through those feelings so your boys don’t see it. Again, counseling could come in really handy here.
Good Luck, I hope things get better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
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Dear Carol,
I recently found out that my boyfriend of four years has a baby with someone else. We split up for about a year and he hooked up with some other girl. I’ve accepted it and moved on. But recently he has been treating me like crap. I’ve moved all over to different states with him because of his job, and am having trouble finding a job due to the fact that I’ve only stayed at a job for at least four months tops in the past two years. It’s really taking affect on me financially. He acts like it’s all my fault that I’m having trouble. (all of this has taken place in the past month). We fight all the time and I feel myself growing further away from him. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even like him to touch me. So you can only imagine what our sex life is like. He thinks that I think about things too much. I think I have a lot to think about. I just found out this month that he has a baby, I can’t find a job, I can’t pay bills because I don’t have a job, etc. I talk to my friends, they tell me that I’m too good to have to deal with all of what’s been going on. Even if I wanted to leave, I can’t financially go anywhere. I’m so lost, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Please help. . .
Feeling Desperate
Dear Feeling Desperate,
It is hard when you feel like you have invested significant amounts of your time, money and energy into something that feels like it is falling apart. You have some big decisions to make and it sounds like you probably will need to make them sooner, rather than later. The biggest thing I want you to remember, though, is that you ALWAYS have options. You are not stuck here.
I am not sure what is going on with your boyfriend to just start being nasty to you. From your letter I am not clear if he knew all along that he had the baby or if he just found out too. Regardless of his reasons, I think you need to have some serious conversations about what has been going on and where your relationship is going. This baby is definitely going to impact your relationship. If he is a good man, he will want to (and need to) be involved in this child’s life. That means regular visitation and possibly moving closer to wherever the baby and its mom live. When the child is in your home, it means negotiating parenting duties and discipline as the baby grows. It means regular communication with this ex-girlfriend. It means paying child support and extra things for the baby. All of these are huge things that could take a toll on your relationship with him if you don’t talk about them ahead of time. You also need to decide what you want to put up with. Do you want to have to deal with always having a baby in the picture? What if you eventually get married to this guy? Do you want to be a step mom right away? Lots of things to think about.
Your feeling yourself growing further away from him is your anger. It sounds like you are very angry at him for the baby issue, for not being nice to you, for moving so much to make it difficult for you to get a job. However, I want to challenge you to take some responsibility for some of these. Obviously, you can’t for the whole baby situation, but you need to remember that you chose to follow him every time he moved. You chose to stay after finding out about the baby. I am definitely not saying all of this is your fault, but you need to take responsibility for you and your part in this. When you separate out what you have control over, I think your decisions that you will make about your relationship will become clear.
I know that financially things are tough right now. If you are thinking of leaving you may need to lean on some friends or family members to help you out temporarily. Maybe you need to widen your options for what kind of job you could do, just to get something to get started. Maybe you make a plan to go in a few months, after you have gotten some money together to be able to do it. Whether you stay or go, it is in your best interest to have some of your own money. The more dependent you are on him, the more trapped you become. So start your own bank account, get a small amount of credit in your name (try to keep it paid off!) It is always a good idea to have something to fall back on.
If you need help through this rough time in your life, counseling might be a good way to help you resolve of these issue.
Good Luck,
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
I recently answered an email question about a woman who felt very disrespected by her husband. We need to remember in marriage/couples that we need to continuously communicate with each other, or people start making assumptions that aren’t necessarily true. If you don’t keep your partner in the loop, you may not have a loop to keep!
Here is the letter and my answer below:
Dear Carol,
Tonight my husband came home late & didn’t let me know he was going out after work. I had supper ready as usual & got worried that something had happened to him after it got past our daughter’s bedtime. His student finished a defense, so it was a customary thing to go out, but I’m really hurt & can’t figure out why he wouldn’t call & let me know. !! He comes home starving every night & knows I always have dinner ready. How do I handle this? I am so mad. >:(
Angry at Husband
Dear Angry at Husband,
It sounds like your husband was VERY insensitive when he didn’t call to let you know he was going to be late. My first thought was that maybe he was feeling he had to look “manly” in front of his student and would have been embarrassed to have to check in or get permission from his wife. I could be completely off base, he could have just been a jerk, but I think it is worth finding out if there was any kind of explanation for it (good or bad).
I really think you need to share with him how his not communicating with you really hurt and impacted you. You are supposed to be working as a team and when one member of that team does something without telling the other members, it affects everyone involved. Like when you throw a rock into the pond, the ripples touch the whole pond, not just the spot where you threw it.
Really, it is also a matter of common courtesy. You made dinner, put in effort and then had anxiety all night. Not very polite on any account. So it is time for another sit down and make him talk session. It is time to get some junk on the table. Remember, do it when he isn’t distracted with the game on the tv or too tired and ready for bed, but don’t wait forever, either. Sometimes you have to create your opportunities.
If he doesn’t have a good explanation or isn’t open to hearing your feelings on this matter, I think it is time for some couples counseling to help you both communicate better.
Good luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.AskTheInternetTherapist.com
Once you have been in a relationship for awhile, it is really easy to forget that we need to continue to actually put effort and WORK on the relationship. We do so much work at the beginning, getting things established, that we forget we need to continue the work to keep it going. Add in a kid or two, a full time job or two, a mortgage, housework, a yard to mow, and all of a sudden you become roommates who are just trying to get through the day.
How do you put the romance back into your relationship? How do you get reconnected? It takes some effort and some focus on your relationship from both parties. It may be awkward at first, especially if it has been a long time since you really connected emotionally. But everyone’s relationship needs some sparks. That is the fun part of being in a relationship. So lets bring back the fun! The more you play with your partner, the more connected you will be.
I wrote an email answer about this that i have posted below.
Hi Carol,
I feel I need suggestions to spice up our relationship. I give my husband affection and don’t get much response. I get a kiss in the morning and at bed and I love you. But I want more affection and sex. I feel we are in a rut and I don’t want to say I’m giving up but I don’t know what else to do. I try talking about it and we have even gone on a vacation. I feel we don’t even know what to talk about when we are alone. I have read you don’t always want to talk about the kids when you are alone but I catch myself doing that for conversation.
Thanks,
Wishing for Romance
Dear Wishing,
It is so easy to get into these ruts with our spouses. It seems like life gets in the way of keeping that romantic part of our relationships alive. I do think it is a good sign, though, that he is still kissing you and saying that he loves you. It is better than nothing and gives me a clue that he is still interested in being together with you. My guess is that he doesn’t realize that he needs to do more, or doesn’t know how or what he should be doing to show you he loves you.
I give you credit for at least attempting to do something about this. Talking is definitely the first step. However, it can be very awkward when you aren’t used to talking about this sort of stuff. When you have been disconnected for so long, it is like having to get to know each other all over again. That is why it is so hard to find things to talk about when you are alone. You don’t have life interrupting to take your focus off of each other and you are left with the feelings of being disconnected, even when you are sitting right next to each other. That is also why the vacation didn’t work, because even though it seemed like a good idea to go away together, you weren’t forced to confront your relationship. You had the traveling and sites to see and logistics get in the way of actually spending time connecting.
A heart to heart conversation is the place to start and it should be one without the distractions, where you can express how serious you are and how much you love him and want to reconnect with him. He may not realize how disconnected you have become and may need ideas on how to reconnect. He may need instructions on how to give you more affection. Try to talk more for other reasons than what we are having for dinner. When you feel yourself itching to talk about the kids or what needs to be done at home, catch yourself and try to focus only on him and on your relationship. Again, it will feel awkward because you are used to filling that blank space with other topics that ease the tension between you. But what you are really doing is letting the both of you off the hook from having to deal with that vulnerable space. If you allow yourself to sit in that uncomfortable place you might be surprised what you find. It will help you push through that wall that has developed between you and your husband.
Some other things to try is to pretend that you don’t know each other and need to get to know each other all over again. Try to forget that you know everything about his childhood and try to forget that his mother hates you (J) and try to relearn things about him and him about you. Try to remember what attracted you to him in the first place. Flirt with him. Call him at work just to say hi, leave him little notes to say “I love you”. Find ways to show him how much you appreciate him and all of his hard work. Start touching him more, not in a sexual way, but in a connecting way. Touch his arm when you talk to him, give him a hug when he comes home, brush up against him in a fun playful way. Finding ways to have fun together will increase your sense of connection with him. If you do this after you have talked with him about wanting to reconnect, he will be much more likely to respond positively.
Find ways to express your commitment to him and your trust in him. The more you either verbalize or show your commitment to him, the more comfortable he will be and the more vulnerable you can both become. The more vulnerability between a couple in their relationship, the more connection and bonding will occur.
You can’t wait for him to take the initiative on these things. You have a lot of power in this relationship to make things different. Don’t underestimate the impact little changes can make. It can be the difference between a happily married couple and divorce. If you get stuck in any of the above or aren’t getting the results you think you should be getting, I would recommend some couples counseling to help you over the rough spots so that you can reconnect again. Marriage takes work, but its rewards are well worth it!
Good Luck and Happy Marriage to YOU!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com
