TAG | depression
Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.
The following is a letter from a radio listener:
Good Morning Carol.
I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?
Struggling with being single again!
Dear Struggling,
It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.
I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.
I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.
You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.
It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Once again, I find my thoughts drifting around while I sit in the rocking chair rocking Calen to sleep. Tonight I find myself reflecting on how this week I have been frustrated with all of the “shoulds” in life. For example, I should eat my vegetables, I should only drink water, I should be exercising, I should be nice to my neighbor who annoys me, I should take a shower, even I should brush my teeth. Then I want to be a little bit defiant and NOT do what I Should be doing. The word “should” itself actually means a recommendation/advice, obligation, expectation, so it is like some great authority figure telling you how to live your life.
What I have found is that when I start feeling burdened by the “shoulds” in my life, that it is a red flag for me to realize that 1.) I am probably overwhelmed, 2.) I am not taking care of myself, and 3.) depression is right around the corner and easily slipped into. For me, the “shoulds” that I resent the most are the ones around self-care and when I get to the point that even brushing my teeth seems like a chore, I know it is time to make some changes. I have also realized that when I don’t make time and space for that self-care, I become resentful of the “shoulds” outside of me, like responding to my children’s needs, or becoming resentful that I have to get up and go to work. If I get to that point that is a sure sign that depression has hit and I need to take immediate action.
But what kind of action can an overworked, overwhelmed, mom of 3 take that simply doesn’t just get added to the “should” list? That is probably a slightly different answer for everyone, but for me, it means reaching out to my friends, my family, my support network and if I have let it go too long, it is time for a therapist. I have to readjust my thinking that such self-care things as simple as showering and brushing one’s teeth is not a “should” but a “Must”. I Must take care of myself first. I have to readjust my thinking to knowing that I am Worth the time and effort of basic self-care. Shoot. I am WORTH the time and effort of advanced self-care. When I make myself shower, I always feel better and sometimes I even allow myself the luxury of standing in the water and just enjoying the water, without doing anything but pampering myself. I have also found when I MAKE time for these things as well as time for me to do something I want to do, without kids, I am a better mom, I have more patience, and I appreciate and cherish my kids more. I am also a better wife, better employee, even a better neighbor and friend.
It really is true. We HAVE to take care of ourselves first and foremost so that we can be better people, parents, workers, neighbors, wives and every other hat we wear. So when you feel yourself slipping or you see your girlfriend slipping, reach out and help each other do whatever it is you each need to refill yourselves. There are a lot of people counting on you, so you “SHOULD” try to do your best!
Hang in there, there is always tomorrow to try again.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
With Memorial Day here and remembering those who have fought for us, it seemed like a good time to talk about grief. Whenever we lose someone close to us, whether it is through death or separation or even the breakup of a relationship we need to remember that it takes time and that it is ok to grieve. We need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we feel and to go through the stages of grief at whatever pace we go through it. There is no set time frame for how long grief should last. For some it takes only a short while, for others the process is much longer. Only when you have completed a stage are you ready to move on to the next one. The stages are a natural process and one can’t judge another about how fast or slow they go through the process. The thing to watch for though, is if you get stuck in one of the stages. If it seems like you just can’t get past that particular point, it may be the perfect time to get some short term counseling to help you move to the next stage.
Here are the stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”
1.Denial- This is when we don’t want to admit that we have lost someone. We keep going as if nothing has changed. Not crying, feeling numb.
2. Anger- Feelings of wanting to fight back, yell and scream, get even. Blaming the deceased or ex-spouse is part of this stage. “Why is this happening to ME?” Or “it is so unfair!”
3. Bargaining-trying to make deals with God or your ex to put things back the way they were. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. Sometimes this stage happens before the person is gone.
4. Depression- otherwise known as Sadness, overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. This is the time, especially if you are feeling suicidal, to get help.
5. Acceptance- where you accept the reality of the loss and are able to move on with your life. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of the loss and being able to grow and move forward again.
Grief is difficult, whatever the situation. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Therapy doesn’t have to be a long time commitment. It can be a few sessions just to get you over that hump. Be gentle with yourself through this process. It is hard and painful and human to feel the loss so deeply.
Happy Memorial Day!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Dear Carol,
I am the mother of two young children, 3 and 1 and have been married for 10 years. I work part time and am home with the kids the rest of the week. I have been feeling extremely depressed for the last few months. I have put on about 50 pounds in the last few years with having kids. My marriage is ok, my husband is a great support (most of the time) and my work is stressful at times, but I like it and excel at it. I know I don’t eat well and am usually up a minimum of once per night with one or the other child. Some days I struggle with basic self-care tasks like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I am tired of feeling this way and it scares me to see my depression affecting my kids. I was crying today when I was home with them and my 3 year old said, while rubbing my head, that she was sorry and it would be ok. So I know it affects them and that kills me. What do I do?
Depressed in Arizona
Dear Depressed in Arizona,
Trying to maintain a job, a household, a marriage, AND raise two young kids is a HUGE job for anyone. Believe me, I know! I am in the same situation! It can be VERY overwhelming trying to juggle all of those things and take care of yourself too. It sounds to me like you are definitely depressed and need to do something about that right now.
You definitely have some strengths going for you. A good, helping, supportive husband is a huge benefit for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on his shoulder from time to time. Let him know how you are feeling and that you need him to help you. Whether it is more help around the house, taking the kids out of the house for a few hours so you can have some “me” time, or just holding you while you cry. Try to use the resources you already have available. He could even help encourage you to maintain your basic self-care tasks like showering and brushing your teeth.
Tomorrow, I want you to call your family doctor and talk about getting on an antidepressant. Then I want you to make an appointment to talk with a therapist. It can be me, or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It will take some effort to make these calls, but I think you understand how important it is to do this right away. You need to be able to talk to a professional about what is going on here, before you get to the point that you give up or hurt the kids. I know you don’t want to think about that, but it sounds like you are headed in that direction and could get there pretty quickly.
Next, it is time to teach the kids to sleep through the night. I know, I know, easier said than done. Believe me, I know! Sleep deprivation can take down even the most stable of people. This is something you need to do for your own good, as well as for the children. They will be better off if they get a good night’s sleep too. Telling your 3 year old when they go to bed that you expect them to stay in their bed all night and that they are safe and that you will see them in the morning when it is time to get up. I usually tell my daughter what we are planning to do for the next day and that she has to go to sleep and stay in bed all night in order to do that thing. It also gives her time to adjust to the idea so there are less fights in the morning. I call this “front loading”, meaning giving her the information ahead of time so she can feel some control over it and doesn’t feel tricked into doing something she doesn’t want to do. Three year olds like to feel like they have some power in their lives and finding ways for them to have an appropriate amount is very useful.
If the baby is still waking up you need to figure out if you have taught her to not sleep through the night, or if she was sleeping through the night and isn’t anymore, what has changed. Is she/he teething or have an ear infection? Are they congested and can’t breathe? If it isn’t her teeth or ears, then you need to find a method that fits for you (there are several out there) and stick to it. Studies have shown that the method doesn’t really matter as long as you pick one and stick to it consistently. Get your husband to help you and make it a priority. It is time for you to get some sleep!
Once you get these few things into place you can start looking at making your lifestyle healthier. Adding some exercise and eating better will help you feel better and give you more energy to do all that you need to do.
Lastly, you need to give yourself credit for doing everything you are doing. You are raising loving kids (as evidenced by their empathy), holding together a 10 year marriage to a great guy, and excelling at your job! You deserve an award just for that! Try to remember that we weren’t made to be “Superwoman”, even though we try to live up to that. You have to give yourself some kudos for doing the best you can and being ok with that. It is time to put away the perfectionistic ideas and start taking care of you. I know, no small order. If you want to work more with me, I am more than willing to do chat, email or phone sessions with you through my website www.asktheinternettherapist.com.
Good Luck and let me know if I can help you more.
Hang in there!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
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To check out the wide variety of recordings available, check out the webpage
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It is that time of year again, when all the decorations and lights come out of the attic and chaos ensues at the stores. The holidays are a time of frenzied activity for some and for deep depression for others. There can be several factors that influence depression at this time of year. In the North, the daylight hours grow shorter and shorter, causing many people to hardly see the sun at all. Oftentimes they get up and go to work before the sun comes up and are in the office building all day, then drive home in the dark. Thus, those people are likely to suffer from Seasonal Affect Disorder, a type of depression caused by not getting enough sunlight and vitamin D. These people can remedy this disorder with a sun lamp, making an effort to be outside for simply 15 minutes a day, and taking a daily vitamin.
In addition to dark days the holidays are a time when people evaluate the amount and quality of relationships they have in their lives and if they don’ t like what they see, it can be very easy to become depressed, lonely, and isolate yourself even more, making matters worse.
Add to that torturous family gatherings and one can end up feeling worse and worse.
Still others have had traumatic things happen around the holidays such as important people dying, car accidents, war situations, etc., that can get triggered, simply by the holiday decorations, songs, smells, and even simply the calendar.
If you are feeling blue, for whatever reason, even if you are simply overwhelmed with the amount of stuff you are supposed to accomplish between now and December 25, it is time to seek some help.
It is better to seek help from a counselor BEFORE you get to the point where you can’t get out of bed or you feel so numb nothing phases you. If you are at those points, you need to seek help right away. Don’t wait any longer. If you are feeling like hurting yourself, or if the world would be better without you, call your counselor today and make an appointment, or you can call 1-800-SUICIDE, a 24/7 toll free support line.
There are many ways to survive the holidays and maybe even make them enjoyable. Do something today to make yours better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
Check out my page at
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Depression is such a buzz word these days for anyone feeling down. I think we need to remember that depression can be VERY Serious and have Very Serious consequences and impact on one’s life if it is not addressed.
Everyone goes through times of sadness or feeling down, especially after an unhappy event, like a loved on dying or losing a job. The problems come when the person doesn’t resume their normal activities within a couple of weeks. Clinical depression is not just grief or sadness. It is an illness that can challenge your ability to perform even routine daily activities. At its worst, depression may lead you to contemplate or commit suicide. Depression represents a burden for both you and your family. Sometimes that burden can seem overwhelming.
Some signs and symptoms of depression include sleeping too much or too little, or waking frequently through the night, not being able to get out of bed in the morning, not taking care of your self, ie., not showering or getting dressed, not doing your hair, having low to no energy, having continually low mood, crying all the time, eating too much or not at all, not engaging in social activities, isolating yourself, calling in sick to work frequently because you can’t get out of bed, feelings of worthlessness, thoughts of suicide or that life would be better without you here. Even cutting and self mutilation can be signs of depression.
These are symptoms that last for weeks and seriously impair your normal functioning.
If you have any of the above symptoms it is important for you to get a thorough evaluation by a qualified mental health counselor or psychiatrist. There are many different types of treatment available and no one should have to live like this. There are so many wonderful things in the world that depression keeps you from enjoying. There really is a light at the other end of depression. It IS treatable, you just have to ask for help.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
