TAG | therapy
Single Parenting is extremely hard at its best and tremendously hard at its worst. You are trying to do the job of two people and don’t have the luxury of “passing the buck” when you need a time out. In addition, single parenting usually has the added stress of the “ex” and the ongoing (or lack thereof) relationship with that person. So for all of you single parents out there, I understand what a hard job you have. Unfortunately for many of you that job is made even harder when you don’t protect yourself and your children. When you have the sole responsibility for a child, it is your job to make sure you make good decisions about your welfare, including financially and providing food and shelter and safety. It is not good for kids to move around a lot, or move from one boyfriend’s house to another, so if you are thinking of getting more serious with someone, please think long and hard about the impact on your kids before making any big changes.
The following is a letter from a radio listener:
Good Morning Carol.
I am struggling with starting over. I am a Single Mom who has been raising my daughter for the last 9 years alone. 4 years ago, I fell in love with a man. He proposed to me and after a few months of talking, I said yes. I had an apartment with my daughter and he ask that I move in with him and being naive said yes with doubts. I moved in with my daughter and sold everything I owned and remodeled the house with my savings. Then we had a son not long after he proposed. He was very happy and I was extremely happy being pregnant, then after I had my son I feel into deep depression and my fiancé could not deal with it. I did not know I was depressed or what was going on with me. I was too busy to notice or take the time to address the issue. Working a full-time job, with an infant and 6 year old running errands along with swimming lessons, dance, cleaning the house and everything else was just very stressed but still get going. My fiancé called his parents and they told me he could not deal with this anymore and he wants you out. I was extremely upset and hurt that he could not sit down with me and discuss what he was feeling instead drag his parents in on it. After going back and forth over 2 years of being together and not, he told me to leave. I am very hurt, mad and frustrated. I am 37 mom with 2 kids and have no money and homeless, staying with my mom and having to start over is very overwhelming and scary. I don’t know what to do with myself and he won’t talk to me and when I do call he hangs up and then threatens he will call the Sheriff and have me arrested. I have all of my things and daughters things at the house. I spent all of my savings on remodeling his house and sold all my furniture and now I have nothing. Please give me advice. I feel the world has stopped and I don’t know what do to?
Struggling with being single again!
Dear Struggling,
It sounds like you have been through some crazy times with this guy. It also sounds like you made some “not so great” decisions along the way. At the moment, I think your approach needs to be about damage control and how much damage is done to your kids.
I am confused as to why you would stay with a guy who promises to marry you, but never follows through. I am also confused as to why you would stay with a guy who can’t tell you himself that he isn’t happy, but has to involve his parents. Relationships/marriage are about more than just “love”. I am sure if I asked you why, you would say that you Loved him, but unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make this things work. If you had waited to have a child with him until after you were married, you wouldn’t be as tied to him.
I think what you do now is focus on how you are going to survive the immediate future. You need an income, your own bank account, some housing, etc. I think it is probably ok that you stay at your mom’s for now while you get back on your feet, but you need to make sure that isn’t a permanent solution. Check into the government programs where you live to see if there is any assistance with housing, food, medical insurance, etc. (also not a permanent solution, but something that will help you get on your feet.) I also think you need to go to the court and get some child support from this man for his child.
You need to find some self-esteem that tells you that you are a very capable woman and are deserving of a good life and to be treated with respect. If you can’t find that on your own, it is time for some counseling for yourself.
It is time for you to step up to the plate and give it all you have got. You are in a sink or swim situation and you have to swim for the sake of your kids.
Good Luck!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
There never seems to be a shortage of marriages having troubles these days. Hopefully we can work to change that! Maybe by sharing our stories and possible solutions we can make positive changes in our own relationships and keep them from falling apart.
Here is a listener question from my work on the radio.
Dear Carol,
I am 38 year old man who has been married for 14 years. We have 3 boys and a very busy lifestyle running them to practices and school, etc. Our marriage has had small struggles over the last several years and I know we have gotten too busy with the boys and have stopped paying attention to the marriage. Now when I try to talk to my wife all I get is the shove-off or “I’m tired right now, can it wait?”
Anyway, I noticed her taking some phone calls that she would go outside to talk and when I asked her about it and who it was, she seemed nervous. So I looked at her phone and found out it is a dad of one of the kids who plays ball with our son and they have been talking 30-45 minutes at a time almost every day! I confronted her about it and she denied anything going on, but when I caught her again, I confronted her again and she finally said they had been talking for a while, but nothing had happened. She says she wants to work on the relationship, but I am having such a hard time trusting her! What do I do?
Marriage falling apart fast!
Dear Marriage Falling apart Fast,
I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about not giving the relationship enough attention. It is a difficult thing to do, especially with 3 busy boys, plus work and all of the other requirements of life, but it really is absolutely essential if you want to stay married. It is always easier to get those needs for attention and those feelings of being wanted and needed from someone else than it is to work through all of the little things that irritate you about your spouse.
I think it is time for a major sit down with your wife. If you are serious about staying together it is time for some drastic changes. I think that starts with some couples counseling. Next I would recommend that you each start doing small things for the other person. Try to remember back to when you first got together and what you did to romance her. That is the stuff you need to rekindle. I know it is difficult to do when you are having trouble trusting her, but my guess is, if she can get those needs met at home, she won’t need to talk to that guy and she will refocus her attention back on you and at home. I do think you need the counselor though to help sort through things and help you find ways to reconnect. Working on your marriage needs to take #1 priority in both of your lives if you want it to work out.
Don’t forget, you are the role model relationship for your boys. How you work things out or don’t work things out with your wife will impact their relationships in the future, so try to take the high road. If either of you aren’t willing to do the work that is needed to save the relationship, please try not to be angry and vindictive at your wife. Try to work through those feelings so your boys don’t see it. Again, counseling could come in really handy here.
Good Luck, I hope things get better!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
Once again, I find my thoughts drifting around while I sit in the rocking chair rocking Calen to sleep. Tonight I find myself reflecting on how this week I have been frustrated with all of the “shoulds” in life. For example, I should eat my vegetables, I should only drink water, I should be exercising, I should be nice to my neighbor who annoys me, I should take a shower, even I should brush my teeth. Then I want to be a little bit defiant and NOT do what I Should be doing. The word “should” itself actually means a recommendation/advice, obligation, expectation, so it is like some great authority figure telling you how to live your life.
What I have found is that when I start feeling burdened by the “shoulds” in my life, that it is a red flag for me to realize that 1.) I am probably overwhelmed, 2.) I am not taking care of myself, and 3.) depression is right around the corner and easily slipped into. For me, the “shoulds” that I resent the most are the ones around self-care and when I get to the point that even brushing my teeth seems like a chore, I know it is time to make some changes. I have also realized that when I don’t make time and space for that self-care, I become resentful of the “shoulds” outside of me, like responding to my children’s needs, or becoming resentful that I have to get up and go to work. If I get to that point that is a sure sign that depression has hit and I need to take immediate action.
But what kind of action can an overworked, overwhelmed, mom of 3 take that simply doesn’t just get added to the “should” list? That is probably a slightly different answer for everyone, but for me, it means reaching out to my friends, my family, my support network and if I have let it go too long, it is time for a therapist. I have to readjust my thinking that such self-care things as simple as showering and brushing one’s teeth is not a “should” but a “Must”. I Must take care of myself first. I have to readjust my thinking to knowing that I am Worth the time and effort of basic self-care. Shoot. I am WORTH the time and effort of advanced self-care. When I make myself shower, I always feel better and sometimes I even allow myself the luxury of standing in the water and just enjoying the water, without doing anything but pampering myself. I have also found when I MAKE time for these things as well as time for me to do something I want to do, without kids, I am a better mom, I have more patience, and I appreciate and cherish my kids more. I am also a better wife, better employee, even a better neighbor and friend.
It really is true. We HAVE to take care of ourselves first and foremost so that we can be better people, parents, workers, neighbors, wives and every other hat we wear. So when you feel yourself slipping or you see your girlfriend slipping, reach out and help each other do whatever it is you each need to refill yourselves. There are a lot of people counting on you, so you “SHOULD” try to do your best!
Hang in there, there is always tomorrow to try again.
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
With Memorial Day here and remembering those who have fought for us, it seemed like a good time to talk about grief. Whenever we lose someone close to us, whether it is through death or separation or even the breakup of a relationship we need to remember that it takes time and that it is ok to grieve. We need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we feel and to go through the stages of grief at whatever pace we go through it. There is no set time frame for how long grief should last. For some it takes only a short while, for others the process is much longer. Only when you have completed a stage are you ready to move on to the next one. The stages are a natural process and one can’t judge another about how fast or slow they go through the process. The thing to watch for though, is if you get stuck in one of the stages. If it seems like you just can’t get past that particular point, it may be the perfect time to get some short term counseling to help you move to the next stage.
Here are the stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”
1.Denial- This is when we don’t want to admit that we have lost someone. We keep going as if nothing has changed. Not crying, feeling numb.
2. Anger- Feelings of wanting to fight back, yell and scream, get even. Blaming the deceased or ex-spouse is part of this stage. “Why is this happening to ME?” Or “it is so unfair!”
3. Bargaining-trying to make deals with God or your ex to put things back the way they were. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. Sometimes this stage happens before the person is gone.
4. Depression- otherwise known as Sadness, overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. This is the time, especially if you are feeling suicidal, to get help.
5. Acceptance- where you accept the reality of the loss and are able to move on with your life. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of the loss and being able to grow and move forward again.
Grief is difficult, whatever the situation. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Therapy doesn’t have to be a long time commitment. It can be a few sessions just to get you over that hump. Be gentle with yourself through this process. It is hard and painful and human to feel the loss so deeply.
Happy Memorial Day!
Carol Agnew, MA, LMFT
Online Counselor
www.asktheinternettherapist.com/online_counselor_ag.asp
